Dancing on rooftops

Last post as a single person!

2011-11-08T17:05:00.001-08:00

I better make this good. This is my last post as a single person. I figured I'd better blog tonight because a) it's my only "free" time until the wedding, and b) I will wish I would have blogged right before my wedding so I can remember everything later.

Where do I start? I can't possibly go over every detail of my life since I got back from Uganda. There is just entirely too much and God is just entirely too good for me to recount it all. I would have to say the last several months of my life have probably been the craziest months ever. Really, from May 2011 to now, life has felt like lightning flashing through the sky--if you blink too long you miss it.

I was just writing my wedding vows and I went through a few journals. One of my journals had a mention of Andrew at the beginning with a prayer of "God if this is not it, let me know quickly". That was before we ever hung out...before our first date. I was praying for discernment for even going to coffee with him ;) The next several pages were seeking wisdom and discernment with the "Andrew situation" continually. And then several pages later, there was "I think You (God) are preparing us for marriage." And the journal literally ends with wedding plans. In a 50 page journal, that is NOT much time!

I laughed as I looked at the timeline of this all. But after I laughed, I almost cried because the grace of God was suddenly so evident to me. He heard my prayer and answered quickly. How does a perfect God always hear our imperfect prayers? It must be because we have a perfect High priest interceding for us. Thank you, Jesus, that you are the reason God hears me. I have Jesus to thank for bringing me a husband.

I'm sorry, but...

2011-08-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married!

To any blog followers I may have had, I am sorry it has been so long, but yes, I am getting married and all my time has suddenly disappeared. Between getting back from Uganda, moving into a new place, working, getting engaged and wedding planning, I have felt a little disheveled. It is amazing how being busy can quickly get in the way of time with the Lord. With the million and one things to do running through my head constantly, I have been distracted from my One True Love. As I prepare to get married, I am already feeling the gravity of Paul's truth in 1 Corinthians 7:34-35;

"And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord."

It is amazing how true this is, as I am sure many of you know. I am so very thankful for my future husband and am so excited for our marriage, but I miss my undivided time with the Lord already. My most recent prayer has been that I would have an undivided heart for Jesus. I truly want to yearn for Him. I know God alone can satisfy, so as I am "busy" with all of this new stuff I must fight to have sweet fellowship with the lover of my soul. Prayers are welcomed :)

A God of Individuals...Uganda post #3

2011-07-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

In my last post I talked about a place called Mama Mary's where we met a bunch of kids filled with faith. It was there that I met a seven year old girl named Jen. She wore ratted shorts and a see-through vest-type shirt that tied in the front and showed her whole belly. As I looked around at the kids, I realized she had the least amount of clothes on. It bothered me.

As we went through out the day, Jen clung to my side. There was a sweet connection between us and we loved on each other all day. When we were preparing to leave I had a conversation with one of my teammates about the need these kids had. Earlier we had separated donations for the kids into categories of younger and older kids. I only had a few things for kids older than baby/toddler age--actually I had three dresses from the Jones girls I live with back home. As I talked to my teammate, I realized I had the dresses in my bag, which was with me. Jen walked over to me and I pulled the dresses out of my bag and handed them to her. She smiled from ear to ear and bent down low to say thank you. I hugged her and said goodbye since we were leaving. She wouldn't let go of my hand and ended up walking me all the way to the gate. She kept saying thank you and hugging me.

As I turned to walk to the bus alone, the realization of God's providence hit me. Of course the 'naked' girl would be the girl who attached to me all day...and of course I was the only one who had donations with me--three dresses just her size! Of course. That is our God. Our God is a God of individuals--One who provides for each of our needs. He does not forget about one of His children. No, not one. Truly, He is a Father to the fatherless. I left that day having confidence that no matter what happens, those kids have a Father in heaven who cares for them and meets their needs in Christ.

And so do I. Praise Him.

And another...

2011-07-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be my one week mark of being back from Uganda. I haven't had any major revelations this week, but I have been able to see God's continued grace from my trip and His faithfulness in all the small things...even now that I'm home.

Today I am sitting on my porch, drinking coffee and truly missing Uganda. It is weird how a place and a people can steal your heart so quickly. I miss the red dirt and the smiling faces. I miss the opportunity to learn from those who are poor in wealth, but rich in faith. I will share a testimony of those whom I miss now.

While we were serving last week, we had the opportunity to visit a woman called Mama Mary who had taken 39 kids into her home and raised them as her own. The kids ranged from age three to twenty. The second we walked in the door, these precious children bombarded us with love, and not just any love, but truly the love of Christ. We had the opportunity to do VBS with these children and one of the first questions I was able to ask them was, "Can anyone tell me about Jesus?" Immediately I knew the Spirit was there. Answers like, "He died for our sins," "He rose from the grave," and "He is King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and my Master," rolled off the tongues of these heralds of God.

I wanted to sit down and let the kids teach me, but God called me to bring a message so I continued on. I had been anxious about this VBS before the trip even began, but as soon as I stood before those kids and started speaking of Jesus all my anxiety fled and the Spirit spoke. I don't even know what I said. After VBS the kids wanted to sing us some songs and worship. So we all marched over to a garage-turned-sanctuary and lined up by the wall as the kids stood before us prepared to sing. They started in, singing beautifully with words that touched our hearts.

They sang and worshiped like I have never seen before. These children were on their knees, hands in the air, tears streaming down their cheeks pouring themselves out before the Lord. They were completely undone as they worshiped in Spirit and in truth. It was evident that their faith was genuine and that Jesus is truly all they have and all they need. It didn't take but a second for our team to come undone as well. How incredible it was to watch these precious orphans worship their Father in heaven unashamedly! I began to weep uncontrollably. The song ended and instead of silence, all we could hear were cries and whimpers of everyone in the room. One of our team members stepped forth from the wall and grabbed two small girls as they cried. We all followed suit. Pretty soon every team member in the room was holding one or two kids and crying with them or praying over them. I grabbed a little boy and just held onto him tight, then I prayed God's promises over him and assured him that he was loved more than he could know.

I was (and still am) blown away by the faith of these children. They are filled with joy because they have so much confidence that they have a Father and are loved by Him. They just get it. Oh, how I want to just get it.

One of many to come...

2011-06-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have returned from Uganda and am pleased to report the Lord has been gracious in all things involved in the trip. He answered so many prayers and I can't even begin to tell you how faithful He is. The trip was filled with moments marked by His fingerprints and in the next several blogs I will share some of those moments. Here is the first.

We arrived on a Sunday and spent the next three days serving at the baby's home and getting to know one another and the children. We spent a lot of time with the kids, just loving on them and learning their stories and praying for their futures.

One of the other team members and I were chosen to paint a mural in the backyard of the baby's home. We were told to paint a few panels on the wall and what was supposed to be a simple mural ended up filling up the whole backyard. We painted for two days and to be honest, I was feeling a little discouraged that I wasn't able to spend more time with the kids those two days. Then one afternoon one of the little guys with whom I had really connected walked out into the backyard and grabbed on to my leg. I had a paint brush in one hand and a can of paint in the other. I acknowledged he was there by patting his head and smiling at him and then I turned back to the wall to paint before I realized, "What am I doing? I am choosing to paint over this child." So I put down the brush and wiped my hands off and picked him up. He hugged me tight and we walked over to the stairs to sit down. He sat hugging me for the next hour on those stairs.

You see, this child is not adoptable like some of the others are. He and his sister were dropped off at the baby's home by his father and he told them he might come back later to pick them up. This little boy is 3 and doesn't speak much and is kind of withdrawn. He seems to have a lot of emotional paint, even at age three. It took him quite some time to smile and laugh with some of us. So the fact that he was letting me love on him for so long was a miracle. I sat there with him and just prayed over him, claiming God's promises for his life.

The Lord really spoke to me during this time as well. He was reminding me that too often we have a paint brush in one hand and something else in the other and we are working hard to get things done. We don't just throw the paint brush down and embrace Him when He comes to us, but instead we try to spend time with Him while multi-tasking. I was so convicted. Here I was doing the "work of God" by painting and serving and I almost missed this opportunity to love on this child because I was so busy working. But Jesus says, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." (John 6:29) So I sat and believed...believed that Jesus is enough for me and for this child. Believed that Jesus has come to seek and save the lost. Believed that this child has a chance. He has a future. And nothing is impossible with God.

And so today, sitting in my room back in the States, I still believe that Jesus is enough for this child and that he has a chance. So I will pray for him and ask for God to move mountains for him. Please pray with me. And please fully embrace the Spirit when He comes.

Uganda in 1...2...3...

2011-06-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

I leave for Uganda on Saturday and I am preparing this week. As I pray over the trip, my team, and the children and people we will be meeting and ministering to, I can't help but be excited and overwhelmed with all that is to come. I know many short-term trips can be draining because they are go, go, go, but I fully intend to take this trip moment by moment and strive to see Jesus in it all. This will only be possible with the power of the Spirit. So in preparing for my trip this week, I will be praying for the following and asking the Spirit to come and show me Jesus--His humble birth and perfect life, His death, His resurrection, His ascension, and His coming return to earth for His Bride:

I want to know Jesus and become like him as I change diapers and wash dirty faces.
I want to know Him as I bend my knee and humble myself to pray for someone in need.
I want to know Him and love Him as I give of myself and am emptied of all the truth and grace the Lord has placed within me that day, so that I may be filled up once again the next.
I want to know Jesus in the faces of the orphans and widows as I tell them of the Hope that is within me.

Please join me in prayer as I seek to know Him more through this trip. Pray I would be willing to do whatever He calls me to. Pray that He would cut away the deadened sin areas in my heart as He works on me using the people of Uganda. Pray for energy for me and my team, as I am sure lack of sleep and jet-lag will be major influences on us. And just in case I haven't made it clear (since I have said a lot of "I's" in this post), this trip is not about me; it is about God and His glory...so please pray that people would come to see the glory of God in the face of Christ Jesus as we go to Uganda and serve with humble hands and feet in His Name. May He be made much of!

I will be posting maybe once, depending on the internet situation there. If I don't post then, I will definitely have a series of posts when I return home. Thank you in advance for your prayers, love and support!

Levi (Matthew), I choose you...

2011-05-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

The other day I was spending time with the Lord in the book of Mark. I felt this rush of creativity come over me and I wanted to write. I was taken by the fact that when Jesus called His disciples, they didn't hesitate to follow Him immediately, even when they knew nothing about Him.

I saw in Mark 2 when Jesus "saw Levi...and said to him, 'Follow me.' And he rose and followed Him," and I immediately wondered what could have possibly been going through Jesus' mind and Levi's mind. So...I wrote this from Jesus' perspective.

***

"I knew you before the beginning of time. I knit you together in your mother's womb. I fashioned you and chose your every wrinkle. I knew each hair on your head, and I still do--even though you've lost a few.

I placed you into a family--not just any family--a family of tax collectors who lived in Capernaum by the sea. I sustained you as you hated me and sinned against me in your heart of stone. I gave you breath as you went from house to house collecting money that wasn't yours. I ordered your steps to the tax booth that day. I even allowed your legs to bend so you could sit there and wait for me.

You had no clue. You were sick and in need of a doctor. You needed a heart transplant. In fact, you were dead and needed to be brought to life.
So, when I saw you at the tax booth, I wasn't surprised you saw me too. In the midst of the noisy crowd our eyes met. I looked at you, even through you, and said, "Follow me." You rose and followed me and that, was it. I made you for that moment.

Levi, I chose you before you ever were. I used you to introduce me to the table of tax collectors and sinners for my glory. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners, and you happened to be one of them. One whom I chose and whom I love. This was the plan from the beginning. I knew you wouldn't question me when I said 'Follow me,' for I am the Lord of Lords and I have called you. Don't ask me why I chose a tax collector. You will soon see why. I will open your understanding that my blood covers all. And even when I go, keep following me. And you will because I lose none that the Father has given me."

Jesus, that's who

2011-05-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

I apologize it has been so long. God has done so much since my last post. I think it is fitting that my last post was asking our great God for great things. God has done just that...great things.

I am going to Uganda in a month.

This opportunity literally came out of nowhere and happened so quickly. God made it evident that I was to go immediately in obedience to Him. I learned about this opportunity on a Sunday night and by Tuesday night I had committed to going and by Wednesday the Lord had already provided $450 (all within 45 minutes). By Thursday I had the $1,000 "goal" needed for the following week. It is now a month before my trip and I have $1,000 OVER the full amount needed. God is SO very faithful and surely has great plans for this trip!

If you'd like to read more about this opportunity please visit my fund raising page. Uganda

But this post isn't about my trip; it's about my great God. Who is this God who loves us so much? Who is this God who stepped out of heaven to live life in the flesh like those He created? Who is this God who bore His own wrath for sinners and died on a tree, rose Himself from the grave, and went to prepare a place for us?

Who is He?

Jesus Christ.

"...Jesus Christ the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of kings on earth. To Him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by His blood and made us a kingdom, priests to His God and Father, to Him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. Behold, He is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see Him, even those who pierced him, and all tribes of the earth will wail on account of Him. Even so. Amen."

"'I am the Alpha and the Omega,' says the Lord God, 'who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.'" (Revelation 1:5-8)

This is who He is. I tremble and rejoice at the sound of His Name. The great 'I AM.'

Asking for Greatness!

2011-02-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be safe and comfortable. I don't want to just sit in my room and study my Bible. I don't want to just go to church on Sundays, Bible study on Tuesdays, Theology class on Thursdays and game night on Saturdays. I don't want to have a routine that is so regimented that I'm bothered when it gets interrupted. I don't want to go to bed early and wake up late.

I want to be spent for Jesus. I want to go all out. I want to love recklessly. I want to depend on the Spirit and not my own strength. I want to go to bed late and wake up early because I'm too busy doing Kingdom work and being enveloped in the presence of my God.

I want to step out of the boat and expect that when my feet hit the water I won't sink because my eyes are on Jesus.

I want great faith because I serve a great God. I want His name to be made great! And I want it now!

Look...we have been risen from the grave (those of us who are in Christ)! We have already died with Christ and will live eternally with Him (Col. 3), so we have nothing to fear in this life. We were dead but now we are made alive together with Christ (Eph 2). Christ has conquered the world!

Why in the world are we so afraid then?! Afraid of stepping out of our comfort zones and giving our monthly income to orphans and widows...afraid of living with community and serving one another selflessly...afraid of sharing the gospel with a stranger in public when the Spirit says "GO!"...afraid of what others might think when we speak like crazy people about our love for God...afraid of articulating our thoughts and being honest about our sin...afraid of messing up.

We need to get over ourselves! I would say "I" instead of "we", but I just know that I'm not the only one struggling with this and longing for so much more. I know that as Christians, we were made "that [we] may proclaim the excellencies of him who called [us] out of darkness into his marvelous light." (1 Peter 2:9) We were not made to be silent and comfortable and hidden.

Dear Brother or Sister, wake up! Let us ask God for great things! Let us ask for miracles. And let us trust that He will hear His children and answer. Expect great things when you ask a great God for His great will to be done in the name of His great Son!

Stop being so serious

2011-01-12T13:21:00.000-08:00

The other day my household of 10 was empty and I was alone. So instead of reading and studying in silence like I usually do, I turned my music up really loud and danced like a mad woman.

I would encourage you to not take yourself too seriously. Rejoice in the Lord and be a little goofy. It's okay. Take heart, Jesus has overcome and you can relax for a second. I know I need to do this more often.

Today's signs and wonders in my life...

2010-11-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

God is moving. He is granting me much faith and speaking to me in all things. He is using me more than I could have ever imagined. He is giving me clear direction and answering prayers on a daily basis. He is writing His word on my heart and using it to change me and others around me. I am in awe of Him.

I am about to write a series of confirmations from the Lord that have happened in the last two months.

-Two months ago, I was offered a new position at work. I will be strictly counseling in my new position, both women who come in for pregnancy tests and families who have been through the process of adoption. (i.e. I just recently facilitated a reunion of a birth mother and adoptee after 25 years of life)

-Since I took that position, I really have felt the Lord leading me to seriously consider getting into a Biblical Counseling program soon. I began to pray about it.

-A few weeks later, co-workers and friends RANDOMLY came to me and told me the Lord was really working through me to speak to them and to clients. I encountered the question "Have you ever considered biblical counseling?" more than once. I considered this my first major affirmation that I was headed in the right direction.

-I did research on a few counseling programs, finding that one of the main ones was in San Diego...15 minutes from where I used to live. Not necessarily an affirmation, but nonetheless an interesting coincidence.

-Two weeks ago, I was asked to speak on a panel for our all staff meeting at work to speak with staff and volunteers on how to share the gospel with our clients. I considered this another affirmation.

-After the panel, the Lord used what I said to the staff to bring a client to Christ. One of my co-workers shared the gospel with a woman (using some of my suggestions) the day after the panel. Again, affirmation.

-The more affirmations I received, the more I felt I needed. I asked the Lord for more clarity three nights ago. The next day I came home and picked up the mail. I saw some brochure with my name on it and threw it aside, thinking it was trash. I felt the Lord saying pick it up. I went back to it and opened the pages. The first sentence I read was this: "If you can answer yes to any of the following questions, God may be calling you to the ministry of Biblical Counseling." I threw the paper down and started laughing. Then I looked more intently at it and tried to figure out how this organization got my information. I have not signed up for any biblical counseling information, nor is my name registered on anything that has to do with counseling...not even my job...since my title has yet to change. I then thought confirmation number four or five.

-That night I thanked the Lord for speaking clearly but with great faith asked for one more confirmation.

-Yesterday I received a phone call from a client asking who did her pregnancy test a month ago. I looked up her file and responded, "Well, actually, I did your test. What can I do for you?" She proceeded to tell me thank you for praying with her that day. Since then her life has been changed drastically and she has been reading the Bible every day and serving her community. She just wanted to call and thank me personally.
My jaw dropped and I said you're welcome and told her if she ever wanted more prayer she could stop by and I would be there to pray with her. Immediately I knew this was confirmation from the Lord. I NEVER have clients call back, especially if they had a negative test and have no need of our services anymore. This was of the Lord.

I don't need anymore confirmation from the Lord about pursuing Biblical Counseling. I will be going part time at my job next week and will be using my spare time to research (even more) counseling programs with the hope of starting as soon as possible. I am in awe of the way the Lord is using me and speaking to me.

Let me not forget to say that the most common way the Lord speaks is through His word...hence my desire to know the Bible even more. I want to point people to the truth. I don't want them to know my opinion or even give them some psychological diagnosis, but to point them to the only solution there is...Christ Himself. I want to be a living concordance of the word of God.

Confess your sins to one another...

2010-10-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'm humbled by the way God uses me. I am honored. I am in awe. I see His hand at work in so many people around me lately, and I am humbled that I get to witness the great work He is doing.

Since the conference (almost 2 weeks ago), the Lord has done a lot of heart work on me. There has been so much fruit already. As the Lord has granted repentance to me and many other women around me, I have seen a supernatural love come alive in my community and family. There is so much freedom in confession. James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed..." I have been witnessing this everywhere lately. While I was at the conference, a lot of us women confessed our sins to one another and prayed for one another. There was so much healing in just that...but even more healing came in continuing in the way of confession and repentance after the conference.

I came home and asked two friends for forgiveness because I had sinned against them before I had gone to the conference. There is something so crucial about confessing your sins aloud. It is as if your offense is made that more real when it comes out of your mouth...especially if it is being said to the one sinned against. My apology was graciously received by both friends, thankfully.

Today two co-workers come to me in tears (at different times), asking me for forgiveness because of the way their indwelling sin effected our work relationship one day. There's something really humbling and powerful about saying "I forgive you". When you just shrug your shoulders and say, "It's okay, don't worry about it," you are condoning sin. Sin is sin, and we love each other best when we call it that and call it out in each other's lives.

Tonight, the same thing happened in my small group of girls. There was confession, and with it came freedom. It is a glorious thing when all things are brought out into the light. God is light, and in Him there is no darkness. Praise the Lord for light!

Too long

2010-10-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

It has been too long. I feel like life has been especially crazy in the past couple months. I'm exhausted, but I'm anticipating a break starting today. Although I am still working "full-time", I now have every Wednesday off. Also, tomorrow I will be leaving for the True Women Conference in Ft. Worth, TX. The Lord's timing is always so perfect. Months ago I had the option to go to this conference with my small group in September, or go with my mom and sister and my mom's church in October. I really felt like I was supposed to go with my family in October. And now that it is here, it couldn't have come at a better time. I need to get away and to rest and to be surrounded by encouragement.

My soul has been weary the past month. I am excited to just leave my every day life. Traveling does wonders for me. It clears my head and helps me focus on the Lord. I will blog about all that I learned when I return. If you want to see what I'm up to while I'm there, check out the site:

Preach the Gospel to Yourself

2010-09-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

Life has been so busy lately. I have had a hard past couple weeks. I was sick for a while and then classes began again and I've been busy with work and small group in between. I've been overwhelmed lately. I finally got to the point where I felt like I was doing a lot of nothing. I was running on empty and all my 'good' things added up to one big bad mess; I was just going through the motions. My relationship with the Lord the past couple weeks has really suffered.

CJ Mahaney visited our church last weekend and gave a sermon on what to do during these times. It was probably one of the most encouraging sermons I've heard in a while because it pierced my heart at the right time. Mahaney preached on Jude 1:20-25, but mainly v. 20-21:

"But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life."

I was encouraged to learn (once again) that there is no hidden secret to living the Christian life. All we must do is preach the gospel to ourselves, pray in the Holy Spirit, and wait for the mercy of the Lord Jesus. We must overwhelm our busy days with the gospel. We must pray continually. We must be heavenly minded, waiting in expectation for God's mercy instead of His wrath. We must cling to Christ, our righteousness. And we must persevere.

Life can get overwhelming, but when our focus is upward rather than inward, we can experience His rest even in the midst of chaos. This week I am learning how to continually preach the gospel to myself. I encourage you to do the same.

May you be blessed knowing that the God of the universe came in flesh to conquer sin for your sake. How precious is the blood of Christ!

A Faithful God

2010-08-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

God is so faithful.

Since my last blog post on discipleship, the Lord has done so much in our group. Not only have we seen fruit from the preaching that my brothers have been doing and have had the chance to disciple some new believers, but our small group has quickly become the family of Christ knit together in love that I have longed for for years.

One of the things we were trying to accomplish in this group was getting away from agendas and moving more towards living a Spirit-filled life together without a plan or a time limit.
We started doing dinners together on Thursday nights. One of the girls thought it would be a good idea to do communion while we were together, so...now, each week, we go from house to house breaking bread together.
As the Lord began to grow this group and grow this vision, He happened to reveal something great to me. I was studying the book of Acts for a few weeks and right after this process began with our group, I read this:

"They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved." Acts 2:42-47

For the first time it felt like I had a visual of what this is supposed to look like. Our group IS devoting itself to teaching, fellowship, the breaking of bread and prayer. Our group DOES have one mind. Our group IS taking our meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart. And the Lord IS adding to our number. Wow, what a beautiful thing! The body of Christ is amazing.

I feel so blessed to be a part of this move of God. I have been looking for this kind of fellowship for so long. God is faithful to provide. I am greatly encouraged by my brothers and sisters here.

Discipleship, what's that?

2010-08-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been discipled?

I know I haven't...and it's rare that I find someone who has.

This should be alarming since the last thing Christ said to us before he ascended was "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you..."

We need to know what discipleship is if we call ourselves disciples of Christ.

My small group has been evangelizing lately. Some of the brothers in my group, I believe, are anointed preachers and God is using them mightily. A few men have been saved through the preaching of one of these brothers. Because of this, and the fact that our group feels led to evangelize more often, we were forced to talk about what might happen if the Lord brings people into the Kingdom through our small group.

So, as we talked about what it means to make disciples we came to some conclusions:

-We are called to make disciples, not tell someone about Jesus and toss them into the pond to learn to swim on their own. Therefore, if YOU bring someone to Christ, then YOU are responsible for "teaching them to observe ALL that Christ commanded"--not the church you suggest to them.

-Discipleship means sacrifice. Sacrifice of time, comfort, and ultimately, your life. If we are called to disciple people, we must do life with them...not just Bible study once a week.

-It means being selfless always. It means counting others better than ourselves. We should be doing this daily anyway.

-It means living godly lives for others to see. "Teaching them to observe all that I commanded..." Observe. That means they are watching our every move. We are to do what Christ has commanded. James 1: 22 "But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves."

As another brother said last night, and I have often thought, although I do not know what it is like to be discipled, I will try my best to give them what I never had and follow the command of Christ in doing so.

I challenge you, learn to disciple...I plan to start learning right now.

A heart condition

2010-07-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

A few things I'm learning these days:

A while ago I blogged about my hardened heart. Well, I'm still noticing how quickly my heart grows cold and hard if not tended to. The other day I was reading Psalm 119 (which I love so much and am quite familiar with) and my heart was hard. With each word I read, I felt a change. My eyes filled with tears and my heart began to melt. At that moment I realized the Word of God is the only thing that can truly soften my heart. If I have a heart of stone, it is an indication that I am not in the word enough. I thank God for this revelation because it shows me my daily need for nourishment from the Word of God. I am starving without it...growing cold...and slowly dying.

Man, God has really been making me aware of the condition of my heart; after all, that is what He is concerned about. The more I learn about my depraved heart, the more I have to cling to Christ.

I am also learning much through my Bible Study (Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss). It is allowing me to identify lies I didn't know I was believing. Simple lies like "I can make it through the day without prayer and the word...I'll do it tomorrow," or "I can watch this movie, be entertained, and NOT be drawn away from Christ." These are lies, direct lies. I am unable to do anything pleasing to God when I do it in my flesh...and you better believe I am acting in my flesh when I haven't been in the Word or in prayer that day.

Romans 8:5-8 "For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

It comes full circle...if I am not in the Word, I set my mind on things of the flesh, I start to believe lies, my heart begins to harden, and I can do nothing to please God.

Thank God for His Word, and for Christ Jesus, who is our hope and our righteousness.

Blessed Father's Day weekend

2010-06-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

I know the love of two fathers. I know and cherish the love of my earthly father, with whom I spent much time this weekend, AND I know the great love of my heavenly Father, who continues to reveal Himself to me more and more each day.

I was so blessed to get time with my parents this weekend. They came to Minni and we played and relaxed all weekend. Gosh, I just love my dad SO much! I am incredibly blessed to have a father who cares for me deeply and would do anything to protect me and provide for me. He brings me so much joy and just loves me well.

As we played in the pool, drove around the city, went to a car show, went to church and ate out multiple times, I realized how truly special my father is. He is goofy--one big child. He is talented--a jack of all trades. He is compassionate--a true servant of God. He is my dad, and I love him.

I am thankful that my relationship with my earthly father points me to my relationship with my heavenly Father. Although not comparable, the love and comfort I experience with my dad give me a better understanding of the love and comfort that comes from God the Father. In a world where many fathers are absent, I am truly blessed to have a father who is not only present in my life, but who loves and supports me in all I do.

I love you, dad. Happy Father's day!

June Gloom

2010-06-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

Weird. I moved away from San Diego, where the famous June Gloom is inevitable every year, and...it followed me to Minneapolis.

It has been rainy and gloomy for the last two weeks and, therefore, does not feel like summer. Because of this, I have a few things to say...One: I can't believe it is already June--that means I have been here for 6 months. Two: I can't believe it is summer and I am so terribly white (Guess I'll have to get used to it--the sun shines a lot less here). Three: I can't believe the first of only four good months here in MN is like this! I feel a little cheated.

Other than the weather, I have no complaints. God is gracious and I am doing well. My parents are coming to visit me this weekend and I am excited to be around people who know and love me well.

I am so very content in the Lord right now and so thankful for that. I'm excited to see what He has for me this summer and fall. I will write more soon. I need to get back to blogging once a week. I hope you all are blessed.

Taking action

2010-05-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

Friends, I am sick of saying and not doing. I say I want to live a radical life for Jesus, but how does my life look any different from Joe Schmoe sitting next to me at this coffee shop? It may differ on two days: Sunday when he sleeps in and I go to church, and Tuesday when he goes to happy hour and I go to Bible study.

I. am. not. okay. with. this.

I am not saying that everyone is called to live radically, but I am saying that I feel called by God to be radical. My passion has been renewed and I am ready to make some tough decisions and some necessary sacrifices to live radically for Jesus.

I had blogged previously about my biggest fear coming true and I am revisiting that now. I feared that I would get a full-time job and become comfortable after moving here, forgetting the reason for which the Lord brought me here. I have been so busy with work the past month and a half that I have not been able to focus on anything else--including why I'm here. I was in desperate need for a vacation and a re-evaluation of life, so I took a quick trip to San Diego last week and visited loved ones and the dear ocean. This is what I discovered when the Lord removed me from my current situation:

I moved to Minneapolis not only for this Bible program and Bethlehem Baptist Church, but also for Christian community and radical living. I desire to live in community with a family or with sisters in the Lord and to do life together--daily things like eating, sharing life's burdens, praying, rejoicing, crying, serving, etc. For the past four months I have lived in a two-bedroom apartment by myself (since my roommate is never there) and have experienced NO community whatsoever. I have been so busy with my job and school that I have not had a chance to serve in any type of capacity and/or been able to create any type of social life. I have been so busy studying, that I have rarely taken the opportunity to share with others what I am learning (apart from a few people). I moved here to better learn God's word and to let him shape me from the inside out, invading every area of my life. Recently I have found a small group who desires the same thing. And because the Christian life is not meant to be lived alone, now that I have a great group of believers seeking the same thing, I am encouraged to go and do.

Well, this summer I am at a cross-roads and the Lord is providing an opportunity to get out of this comfort zone of living in a Christian bubble. I have to move out of my apartment by the end of June because my roommate is getting married. I have no idea where I'll be living. I am looking for opportunities now to live in community with minimal rent costs, with the ability to minister in my neighborhood. I'm also praying about making some sacrifices with work--going part time in the fall--so I can focus more on my program at Bethlehem. I am praying about, and looking for opportunities to mentor a group of teenage girls as well. My small group is looking to serve believers around Minneapolis this summer--whether that be painting houses, making dinners, visiting retirement homes, or just taking out the trash for our neighbors. I have also contacted a Biblical counselor and will be meeting with her to pick her brain about counseling and how I can prepare myself (or more so let the Lord prepare me) for counseling women in the future.

With all this said, I am excited to take action and not just talk about passions I have or dreams that I'm dreaming. Life is too short to talk and not do. It is time to do!

With the grace of God, I press on.

The best homework there is

2010-05-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

So, I am officially done with classes this term. I finished one paper last night and I am starting the second one today, hoping to finish before next Wednesday. I am at a new coffee shop with a caramel latte in hand and it is raining outside. I am thankful to be alive and well today.

Although I would love to share with all of you all that I have learned this semester, I do not have the time or ability to verbalize all of that. So, I thought it would be a good idea to take an excerpt from my paper. Below, are the last two paragraphs of my reflection on the pleasures of God. I hope you enjoy.

***
Through this course and the book Pleasures of God, my view of God has been enriched in many ways. I've learned how God's self-sufficiency is for our benefit. I was impacted greatly when Piper wrote "You can't bribe a mountain spring with bucketfuls of water from the valley" (pg. 32). That image was seared on my mind through out the twelve weeks of this course. Everything within me wants to stop my foolishness in bringing bucketfuls of water to the overflowing mountain spring, and just come empty to drink of His living water. And in the process of me drinking of his water, and coming back for more and more, He will be glorified. I learned in this course that the complexity of the Christian life and the daily war within can be eased by simply going back to these Biblical truths. As I daily wrestle with my sin, and my flesh and spirit are at war, instead of constantly being discouraged, I can look to my happy God and recount the ways He is delighted in my need for more of Him.

I have learned that in discovering the pleasures of God, we see His glory, worth and excellency, and we are transformed into His likeness and are able to manifest His glory in the church. In my own life, as I work on application of these sweet Biblical truths, I will strive to live in a way that declares the glory of God in all that I say and do. I will look to my infinitely happy God in moments of discouragement and find joy in Him. I will plead with God to remind me of the pleasure He has in his Son and in the atoning sacrifice which has imputed righteousness from Christ to me, an adopted daughter. I will ask the Spirit to intercede on my behalf when I do not know for what to pray. I will beg for a humble and contrite heart and faith like a child daily. And I will communicate with others, whether in difficulties or joys, all that God is doing within me so that I may never boast in myself, but only in the Lord. Now that I know more about the pleasures of God, and therefore His character, I will share with others these things that make our God so great. By the grace of God, I plan on making it a point to observe the beauty of nature, meditate on the saving work of Christ, and marvel in the illumination of Scripture more often. I will speak of God as a happy God and will praise His name. I am excited to use all I have learned in this course as I minister to believers and non-believers around me. With the help of the Spirit, I think I'll be able to better portray God as He is when sharing the gospel. Due to the nature of my work and the frequent opportunities I have to give spiritual counsel, I plan on daily using many things I have learned from this class. I have thoroughly enjoyed studying the pleasures of God alongside other brothers and sisters, and I can honestly say I am a much happier person after learning more about my happy God.

A heart of playdough

2010-04-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

I have a heart of playdough these days. If not kneaded continually, it will harden quickly.

I have been in a battle this week with my sinful nature. My flesh has been tempting me to find temporary pleasure in such shallow things. "You're too tired to pray...You had a hard day, take a break and watch a movie...Sleep in just a little bit longer, and don't wake up to read your Bible"...and it goes on, and on.

I have been confronted multiple times this week with the condition of my ugly heart. One day I was struggling to get the keys out of the lock in my door and I almost threw a tantrum. It hit me then how hard my heart had become in such a short time period. My last blog, 'grace upon grace', was out of an overflow from a very sanctifying week with the Lord. I should have known that immediately after that week I would be experiencing attack and would be in battle. The thing is, the enemy is so good at creeping up on us, when we're not quite ready for battle. I had set my sword down and was only loosely holding my shield. In my prayerlessness last week, my heart of playdough sat out on the table hardening from the outside in.

Last night at church, I begged the Lord to soften my heart, for I knew I could not do it on my own. I wept during the worship because I felt the Lord slowly softening my heart and I was broken over my sin. After church, I prayed with a dear friend and the Lord continued to soften my heart. Then I went to bed, and when I woke up this morning, it was as if my playdough heart had been left out on the table again...all night long. How can this be?! Why is my heart so inclined to be rebellious against my Lord and harden itself so quickly?

The answer is found in the Word of God (as are all other answers to life).
1 Peter 2:11
"Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul."

My flesh and soul are at war. Every day I am in battle. I cannot give in or grow weary for the battle will last until the day my earthly body dies.

My aim now is to arm myself with the same attitude of Christ Jesus, the one who suffered for my sins, because I WILL suffer and when trials come I want to be armed and ready. I urge you friends, fight the battle with the Word of God. Read it even when you don't want to. Pray even when you are tired. Be vulnerable even when you don't feel like it. Don't leave your heart of playdough out to be hardened. Place it in the hand of the Lord and let him knead it until it is soft and moldable, able to be shaped into whatever He desires. I plead with you, even as I am pleading with myself to do the same...and of course, pleading with the Lord to soften me since He is the only one who can do so.

Grace after grace; the domino effect

2010-04-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

The Lord is so gracious to me! I am blown away by the way the Lord pursues me day after day with his sufficient grace. This week I have been able to see His grace flowing over me moment by moment. His Sovereign hand has directed my feet this weekend and his gentle spirit has guided my thoughts. Moment by moment, He has been preparing my heart for the next move. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, but the quicker it comes, the more beautiful it is. This weekend, through a series of events, I was able to see how the Lord used one domino to move the next domino to push the next domino to create a beautiful collision of all the pieces of my life. They all moved so swiftly and in perfect sequence. And when they all fell at different times, I quickly saw that one pushed the other. They are still going--falling one by one, each one reflecting the glory of the One who started the wave.

I don't know when they'll stop falling and crashing gently to the table, but I rejoice in the beauty of this wave that the Lord started. So often we can't see the dominoes falling, we can only feel them. But right now, God is being so gracious to me in letting me see this process. I feel such peace in the midst of action and movement in my life. I feel the Lord preparing me for much. And the excitement that comes during a time of preparation can be overwhelming. Although I do not know where the pieces of my life will land, I am rejoicing in the fact that they are moving in a direction in which seems to point to the Lord and his will for my life. I am learning that God reveals himself to me most when I have nothing to offer and come to him to drink deeply of his never-ending mountain stream of life. It's silly for me to bring bucket-fulls of tap water to a mountain stream and dump them in, hoping to add anything to the already perfect and self-sufficient stream. I must come, completely empty, and "With joy...drink deeply from the fountain of salvation." (Isaiah 12:3)

I'm a small person in awe of a great God today. May He continue to push over my dominoes and bucket-fulls of silly water, that I may run with my empty self in the direction of the fountain of salvation!

Blessed

2010-04-06T16:30:00.001-07:00

I promise I didn't forget about my writing commitment to a once a week blog...I just got really busy (good busy). I am so blessed right now and the Lord is speaking tenderly to me in many ways. I promise I will write, but it may be a while. I just wanted to let you all know that I am well...and blessed, so blessed.

The Power of Words

2010-03-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Do you see what I just did there? I communicated with you a greeting. I verbalized what I was thinking. I simply said hi.

I haven't gone insane, I'm just trying to make a point. And my point is that words are amazing. The fact that God created us as talking human beings rather than barking or chirping animals, blows my mind. We communicate through words. Words that have power, passion, emotion, etc. With words we pray, we sing, we read, we welcome a stranger, or comfort an old friend. With words we share love and discover new things. With words we learn and grow. With words we express our emotions, thoughts, and desires.

And with words we profess faith in Jesus Christ. With words (or Word rather), God communicates to us. And with words, all things are held together...

"He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the WORD of his power." Hebrews 1:3

I don't think we realize how privileged we are to speak words...or to hear them, for that matter. If Christ holds all things together by his Word, we should be amazed at the fact that humans even have the ability to use or understand words in general.

This all came to me today when I was taking a walk. I was praying and meandering around a lake by my house today and happened to come across some geese. They were barking/chirping/hissing or whatever they do, and it hit me...here I am talking to God and listening to music (both clearly done with words), and these geese are barking! I was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude for words. We are unlike any creature on this planet, for we have been made in His image. He has made a people for himself, and he pursues us with mercy. Not only am I humbled and eternally grateful for this, but I am grateful that I can communicate with my God through words. I've never been so excited about speaking. There is power in words. Be careful with what you say, but rejoice in the fact that you can say it!

P.S. The geese were saying something too; I just couldn't understand it...but I'm sure whatever it was, it glorified God. :)

Confession

2010-03-10T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have a confession. Well, I actually have two. One: I'm breaking my own coffee shop rule, and today I am at a coffee shop I've already visited. Two: It's raining and I like it.

For all of you who know me, you know that typically I don't like the rain. However, when living in Minnesota, if it is raining, it means it's not snowing (and the promise of spring may be around the corner). So, today I welcome the rain. As I sit here with my cup of coffee and watch the drizzle of rain coat the window, I dwell on God's graciousness on us all.

Matthew 5:44-46 "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?"

God's common grace has never been so evident to me these days. The same pleasures I enjoy day by day as a believer, my unbelieving friend also enjoys. The difference is that I enjoy them for the glory of God. My unbelieving friend enjoys them for the satisfaction they give. So as this beautiful rain falls on me, it also falls on my neighbor. Both of us deserve God's wrath, but he withholds it and we take another breath and enjoy another rain drop. How gracious is our God?!

This morning I woke up and instead of opening my eyes and grumbling that I needed to get out of bed before my alarm clock went off one more time, I rolled over and thanked the Lord for the breath in my lungs. I'm not telling you this so you can see any type of sanctification the Lord may be doing in my heart, I'm telling you this to encourage you to give glory to God in the simple things. Breathing, drinking coffee, walking, eating tasty food (or even untasty for that matter), watching the rain, etc. ...are all possible only by the grace of God. Today I am thankful that I know from where all things come. I praise God for the simple things today!

The Mind of Christ

2010-03-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

"When we tell you this, we do not use words of human wisdom. We speak words given to us by the Spirit, using the Spirit's words to explain spiritual truths. But people who aren't Christians can't understand these truths from God's Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them because only those who have the Spirit can understand what the Spirit means. We who have the Spirit understand these things, but others can't understand us at all. How could they? For, "Who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who can give him counsel?" But we can understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ." 1 Cor. 2:12-16

Let me work backwards with this Scripture. We have the mind of Christ. Do we really know what that means? That must mean we are able to think as Christ thinks. Christ, the Son of God, God in flesh, our Lord and Savior--we have his mind?! Stop and dwell on that. My small brain cannot comprehend what this means, but working backwards I read something I can understand--something that I can even relate to. "We who have the Spirit understand these things, but others can't understand us at all."

This happens to me often. As I try to explain the things of God, I get blank stares. I get responses that seem as though the other person is having a different conversation than the one I am having. I get silence. I get questions. Don't misunderstand me; I am not saying I have it all figured out, in fact, I am saying that it is not ME at all who has anything figured out, but the Spirit who reveals it to me. Any time I talk about God, especially when it is about his attributes or the Doctrines of Grace, it is not me talking; it is the Spirit revealing truth to me about God and allowing me to speak with the MIND OF CHRIST.

I was just having a conversation with a friend the other day on this very subject. I said, "It's hard when your close friends or family are not believers because, in a sense, they don't truly know who you are in Christ. They don't understand what you're saying. They 'can't understand at all.' (v. 15) Although this may be discouraging at times, oh how encouraged we should be that we DO understand by the glorious grace of our Lord Jesus Christ!

I had a client come into work the other day. She was a believer. This is rare. Usually we have people come in who claim Christianity, yet have no idea who Christ is. But it was different with this woman. As I talked with her, I could feel the Spirit moving. Her Spirit said with mine, 'Yes, Christ is Lord,' as we talked. I asked if I could pray for her. She said yes and our treasured time in prayer began. I wasn't praying for her--the Spirit was praying for her and with her. She uttered multiple "yes, Lord's" and I could feel she understood the words coming from my mouth. When our time was complete, her countenance changed drastically from when she had come in earlier. She gave me two hugs, asked for Bibles for her family and any other spiritual resources we might have. Our fellowship with the Lord was genuine and we both parted feeling encouraged--all because we both have the mind of Christ and CAN understand. Wow. How glorious are the riches we have in Christ Jesus!

The more I read through the Scriptures, the more humbled I am in knowing I am not the one doing anything, but it is the Spirit within me. I stand in awe of a mighty God today, and ever day.

Writing Wednesdays

2010-03-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

It's Wednesday and I'm at a new coffee shop, still dating around. This week I'm at Common Roots (which I realize I just called it Uncommon Grounds, which is the one I went to last week, and someone looked at me oddly, understandable now). It is in Uptown (a community similar to Hillcrest in San Diego) and it's all natural, homemade everything. www.commonrootscafe.com

This has been a refreshing week so far. I had a really sweet time with the Lord on Monday night and it really has set the tone for this week. I realize how much prayer changes my attitude. I am a completely different person when I am a person of prayer. I desperately missed my prayer partner, Doris, this week. I just love praying with like-minded people, and I am excited that the Lord WILL bring me someone to pray with soon. I trust that. It is through prayer that I receive all I need. I don't know what I am thinking when I am not praying!

My friend Jen encouraged me to read Philippians 3 last night, so I decided to read it while I was at the gym. I've read this passage multiple times, but last night something struck me that has never struck me before. As Paul reminds us how 'qualified' he is in verses 4-6, I had to stop and think...how 'qualified' am I? (and by qualified, I mean outwardly perfect by the law--something which we are NOT supposed to look at for qualification)

"...though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless."

I read this and thought, wow, he had everything right on the outside...but his heart...

Then I asked, did I ever have it all right on the outside? No! Never! Before my conversion, I was so full of flaws, making mistakes all the time. THEN HOW MUCH MORE GRATEFUL SHOULD I BE THAN PAUL IS?! I was speechless. Then the hope comes in verse 7-9.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

I throw all things off--even the things I had right. For it is Christ's righteousness that matters, not one I come up with on my own (that is not even truly righteousness). My only hope is Christ. This should be a daily realization and should give me passion to share the gospel. I have been so humbled by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the electing power of our God lately. I don't understand how a Holy God can choose someone like me, a sinful, wicked being. The complexity of it is beautiful. I don't know if I said this or if I heard someone say this, but I'm saying it now: You cannot apply common sense to God. It just doesn't work.

In case you forgot what I look like, here is me today.

Humbled and loved,
Lindsey

My biggest fear...

2010-02-25T13:27:00.000-08:00

Wow. I feel like I can breathe today. I have been so busy lately! And because of that, I have encountered my biggest fear of this transition:

I forgot why I came here.

Before I moved, I said, "I don't want to get a full time job because I don't want to get distracted by what I'm actually there for--to learn more about God through school." It made sense at the time, but often God has a different plan for us. Last week I worked, went to school, did homework, went to bed, and got up to do the same thing the next day--every day. Typically, that would be an okay schedule for someone who is in school and working. But, for me, it's not okay to just have a daily schedule. I came here to learn to love the Lord more, and with that comes a lot of processing and time in prayer. So for every activity I do through out the day, I should be including the Lord, praying for clarity and purpose and fully living for Him every moment of the day. This is not possible in my own strength--in fact, that was made apparent last week by trying it out. But, by the Holy Spirit, I will be able to focus on the Lord with every move of my hand and breath of my lungs. I HATED that I left the Lord out of everything I did last week--even as I read ABOUT him, I did not INCLUDE him. I made the bible a text book. I forgot to pray. I stopped asking him for help. It makes me so sad. I can't imagine how he feels when I do it. I felt like such a Pharisee last week, gaining all this knowledge about him while remaining hard-hearted. What a waste!

But God is gracious and merciful and he has revealed my sin to me. He's slowly opening my eyes to a lot of things--especially the fact that his will is so different from what my flesh desires. Like I said earlier, I didn't want a full time job, but now I have been blessed with a job where I can use the material that I'm learning in class, and bless others with it. The Lord knew best when He provided a full time job that fit SO well with where I'm currently at in life. Over the past few years, I've really felt the Lord turning my heart to women's ministry, specifically praying with women in very difficult situations and offering counsel. I had even mentioned the desire to work at a crisis pregnancy center! And now, the Lord has brought me a job at a CHRISTIAN crisis pregnancy center/adoption agency/counseling center where I can pour into women and share the Gospel daily. God is SO good to me. He knows my heart more than I do!

Each week I get four unpaid hours off of work (so I'm really only working 36hrs). This has been a life-saver since I've been so busy. I have decided with those four hours, I will explore the city and invest in the Lord. I will go to a new coffee shop every week and read the Word, write, and indulge in delicious drinks before I go to class. I was just thinking how I feel like I'm dating coffee shops...I get so excited for my time there :) Today I am at Uncommon Grounds Coffeehouse, drinking Raspberry Chai and learning about the Pleasure of God in the Fame of his Name.

I have no profound thoughts for you today (although I have many in my head from studying theology), but I am writing to keep myself accountable of this every week. I need to write at least once a week and venture out in the city, so this is my public declaration to do so.

My new life motto

2010-02-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

This is going on the wall of my new office as soon as I can get a canvass on which to paint the saying. (And, yes, I made it up...from the influence of a dear friend and the impression of the Lord)

The ANSWER to everything is PRAYER
The PURPOSE of everything is the GLORY OF GOD

Emotional Eruption

2010-02-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

This week I:

1. Drove eight hours home after my grandma's funeral on Sunday.
2. Moved into my new apartment on Monday.
3. Had an interview on Tuesday and caught up on loads of homework.
4. Had a second interview and class on Wednesday.
5. Got offered the job and had class on Thursday.
6. Started my job and met up with my bible study girls on Friday.

I am exhausted!

The Lord has humbled me so much this week, by providing for me and being my all. I am thankful, but I am just numb right now because I am so tired. All of this transition has been hard on me and it hit me like a train this week. Now that I have this new life here, I have to completely give up my old one--and I don't know if I was ready for that. I feel like someone literally pushed fast forward on the button of my life. This whole process of moving from San Diego to Minneapolis has been awesome, but by far the quickest process ever. I remember praying, "Lord, please let me acclimate quickly," but I didn't mean THAT quickly! Ha. Truly, I am just so humbled that the Lord would call me out of a place of comfortability in San Diego to a place of uncertainty here in Minneapolis, and provide my every need. God's sovereign hand has moved in my life over the past six months. It is evident that He wants me here. I just need to take one step at a time, now that I find myself too busy and overwhelmed. So, today I say, "Thank you, Lord," and "Dear Lord, be my everything for I cannot do this apart from you."

Clinging to the cross,
Lindsey

My new little life

2010-02-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start practicing complete sentences and proper capitalization in this post. I'm preparing for a job--or just real life.

With that said, let me tell you about my new little life. Some of you may know that I had a bit of an interruption in my transition here last week. My grandma died and so did my car. I was just beginning to form a schedule with class, church, bible study, and friends when I got the news and had to head back to Nebraska. My car broke on Friday and was fixed by Tuesday, just in time for me to head back. My grandma was 85 years old and had been on hospice for a while, so it was not a surprise. I drove back last Wednesday and went to the funeral on Thursday with my whole family. The Lord really blessed the service and there were so many people there. Grandma would have been so proud. I learned so much about her while I was back. It was a quick trip though. After spending time with the family on Friday and most of Saturday, I headed back. During the drive back, I prayed for sunshine. The Lord blessed me with sunshine and great driving conditions, and I got back safely and began to move into my apartment on Sunday night.

My apartment is warm and cozy. It is a two bedroom, one bath, and is just perfect for right now. I got all settled in yesterday and even went to get groceries. I am close to a Target and a coffee shop, which are both very beneficial to me. Today I had an interview with my dream job, and it went really well. I even got a call back for another interview tomorrow! One of the open positions is 11 blocks away from my apartment (perfect!). I know I had mentioned that I would give more details about the position, but I don't think I want to do that yet--at least until I know if I get the job or not.

On the spiritual front, I am learning so much right now. We are learning about the mystery of the Trinity right now in one of my classes. How do we serve ONE God, who is THREE persons, all of whom are fully God? It is INCREDIBLE. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are all God, and they only differ in the way that they relate to each other and to us. The difference is in relation. The Father plans redemption and sends the Son, the Son accomplishes redemption for us and is the image of the Father, and the Holy Spirit helps carry out redemption in our hearts. And boy is there so much more to that! I'm learning how to dispute heresies about the Trinity and how to explain it the best we can as followers of Christ. I'll share as I learn.

I must go now. Time to read my new book, suggested by a friend: A Chance to Die--the life story of Amy Carmichael.

Blogging

2010-01-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

I just went back through 2008 blogs and realized how frequently I blogged. I am encouraged and dedicated now to blogging more. I forgot how great it was and how much I am able to process when I am writing.

Speaking of writing, today I worked on a short story for a friend as well as revisited my never-ending book. It felt good to write again. I was washing my face the other night and had a burst of creativity in thinking of a story. I think I might write that story right now. Anyway, my love for writing is back and my dedication for blogging is slowly creeping up too.

Yay for words!

So undeserving

2010-01-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

Let me just start with this. I am an undeserving sinner. I deserve nothing--not even the common grace of God (the every day things like eating and breathing). And I definitely do not deserve the favor he has been showing to me since this move. I'm not sure I knew what "men cannot live by bread alone" truly meant until this week, when I began to live on the WORD of God and place my faith in Him for every movement I made.

This day represents me being here, in Minneapolis, one full week. I have now had two classes, one church service, one bible study, one frozen lake adventure, and a WHOLE lot of time in the word. I have felt blessed and taken care of this entire week by my Father. I've seen prayers of old and prayers of new answered right before my eyes. From the smallest prayer of "Lord, please bless me to have at least ONE friend," to the giant prayer of "Lord, please bring a job to me," I have experienced his faithfulness and unconditional love for me.

This God who calls us out of our comfort zones is not just doing it for entertainment, he REALLY does know what's best for us. Leaving San Diego was hard, but He makes it so much easier when He makes clear the path before you. I have no regrets of leaving when I did (although it is COLD here in the middle of winter). The Lord continues to confirm my place here.

As I mentioned earlier, I prayed that the Lord would bring a job to me. I prayed this prayer because I don't want to do what I want to do. I want to do what the Lord wants me to do...and right now, I'm not quite sure what that is. All I know is that He brought me here for learning and growth and community. So my plans are to go to class and learn, make friends and serve my community, and to really serve and love his church. Getting a job, although important, is a pretty low priority in the large scheme of things. Yes, I am putting out resumes and asking around, but I'm almost looking for anything. As you know, this can make job searching difficult if you don't know what you're searching for.

Well, today I got a call from an UNKNOWN number from an UNKNOWN agency who had my resume passed on to them by some UNKNOWN job I had applied for. After listening to the message multiple times to find out more info, I discovered my dream job may have just found me. Or should I say, the Lord may have just answered my prayer? I'm not going to tell much detail in hopes that I won't get too excited right now, for there are no guarantees. BUT I will tell you that this job would involve me managing people, doing some marketing and admin, but mostly counseling women who are pregnant and/or wanting to adopt or learn to parent. There will be more info later. I'm praying for an interview either this week or next. I just had to share the goodness of God, for after all, that IS the purpose of life!

In other happenings, I'm now working on memorizing Scripture. Here's one out of six that I chose for this week:
"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers, but he delights in the law of the Lord, and in that law meditates night and day." Psalm 1:1-2

I challenge you to delight yourself in the law of the Lord. He really does know what's best for us!

Blessings to you all.

My Provider

2010-01-14T08:17:00.000-08:00

As I sit here in a new place, with a new cup of coffee, I have many emotions. I arrived in Minneapolis on Tuesday afternoon after a long trip and transition starting in San Diego on the 23rd of December. I arrived with excitement and joy...until I got here and got settled and had no idea what to do with myself.

My last week in Nebraska was difficult. I felt far away from my San Diegans and far away from my future here in MN--not to mention far away from the Lord. I was in a spiritual battle all week. So, as I drove, I prayed that the Lord would really provide for me when I got here. I prayed (and continue to pray) that this transition will go quickly and smoothly. I prayed for a friend or two. I prayed for a job. I prayed for His complete provision on my life--the life that He has called me to.

So, Tuesday, the day I got here, I decided to try out a bible study from my new church . It was a small group of women of all ages who were thirsty for the Lord. They were all very welcoming, and happened to be studying 1 John (which I had just studied at my church in SD). My time there was great and I even met a RUNNER! I stayed after for tea with the leader and we related on many levels. By the end of my first day there I had already been invited to a lake house for the weekend! (I think I'm going to go).

Yesterday was my first full day in this new city. I got up, spent time with the Lord, got ready for the day and went to get groceries. After an afternoon of job searching, I met up with Anna (a friend from back home) for coffee. Then I went to my first class, Theological Foundations. My emotions and nerves grew as I prepared for the class. Class began and I found joy in just being there. Our professor went over many of the things we will be learning this semester. Here are just a few: Scripture -The Word of God Written, The Trinity, God's Eternal Purpose and Election, God's Creation of the Universe and Man, and many more. The whole time I just felt so privileged to be in a class so focused on Christ.

After class, I was offered a job as a babysitter and invited to dinner with two women my age. I went to dinner with Amy and Sarah and really enjoyed talking with them and getting to know them. Amy even paid for my dinner! I left the restaurant humbled and in awe. The Lord truly is my Provider. Even when the smallest doubt entered my mind yesterday of 'did I really do the right thing by moving here?', the Lord quickly squashed that doubt by confirming my place here. I really don't even have words for how I feel right now.

Today I am meeting my future roommate, Amanda. Then I will most likely be looking for jobs and working on homework already, which to be honest, I am so excited about!

I stand in awe of our God. To Him be all the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

Don't look back

2010-01-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

Transitioning....

San Diego to Phoenix. CHECK.
Phoenix to Nebraska. CHECK.
Hastings to Lincoln. CHECK.

As I continue in this transition, or more so start this transition, I struggle with looking back. Leaving San Diego proved difficult due to the snow immediately outside of my beautiful city and the chilly weather that followed. There were only a few tears on the way to Phoenix. I think I was too excited for Christmas with my family to be sad--I also didn't feel like I was leaving, only going on vacation. When I arrived in Phoenix, I spent quality time with my family and celebrated Christmas in the sunshine. It wasn't until the day after Christmas, when hiking the mountain across from my sister's house, that it hit me I would not be going back to San Diego. As I hiked, I felt this extreme sadness come over me. The realization of not being able to be outside and play in the sun anymore hit me hard. Being outside and being active has become such a huge part of who I am. The Lord really speaks to me in nature and in my time outdoors. I know I will find it difficult to be in a place where the outdoors are not the most comfortable choice. I not only began to mourn the loss of my friends in San Diego, but also the loss of my natural surroundings there.

I was pretty quiet on the way to Nebraska from Phoenix. Riding in the car with my loving, goofy father was comforting and entertaining. We enjoyed each other, but didn't do as much talking as I thought we would have. I think I had too much on my mind to speak even one profound thought.

By the grace of God, we arrived in Nebraska safely two nights ago. I saw a bunch of friends and family the next day, and then I headed to Lincoln yesterday. Now, as I am here in Lincoln at the same coffee shop in which I worked during my time here, I am processing much. I spent the night with some dear friends last night, all of whom are married, and this morning I met with my second mom (my best friend's mother) for coffee. Every moment I spend in this state, I seem to walk down memory lane. Since I lived here for so long, I have mixed emotions due to the ups and downs of life I experienced here. I am glad I'm here for another week--I need this time to process.

The other night I watched our Huskers play in the Holiday Bowl in San Diego. The irony of my leaving San Diego when the Huskers play there for the first time was thick and caused me to miss my city even more. In the last week and a half, I have found myself looking back WAY too often.

I knew this might be a problem before I left and because of that, the Lord gave me a theme for this time in my life. DO NOT PUT NEW WINE INTO OLD WINESKINS. THEY WILL BURST.

I know myself well enough (and the Lord knows me even better) that I know I will be severely disappointed in many things if I try to compare my time in Minneapolis with my time in San Diego. This is a new season. I'm starting over. I must not look back as Lot's wife did. I must press on to the life God is calling me to. This new wine is demanding new wineskins. Please pray for my wineskins as the Lord continues to pour me out.

It is snowing right now...just fyi. Blessings to all in 2010. May we all grow increasingly closer to our Lord this new year.

Last week, best week

2009-12-18T20:13:00.000-08:00

God has blessed me.

in processing this move and transition, the Lord has allowed me so much grace. he is teaching me so much right now, but more importantly, his timing is perfect in the emotions i am feeling thus far.

when big changes happen in my life, i tend to process them and mourn them BEFORE they actually happen. THEN when i am in the middle of the transition, i am filled with joy and excitement and have enough strength from the Lord to get through it. so, because i already mourned my goodbye for a couple weeks, i am now excited and ready. i had my goodbye party last night and i ended the night without a tear shed. also, today was my last day of work and i left there without tears as well--just excitement.

one thing i've been constantly realizing is how much easier it is to say goodbye when you are leaving for the lord and not yourself. because i know this is god's will for me to move to MN, i have no doubts, no regrets, and no reservations. it just is.

the lord revealed to me this week 2 things:
1. how much he loves me...
he has blessed me with AMAZING, beautiful weather the last week of my life here in san diego. he has also given me such rich time with friends and loved ones, with conversations and experiences i will carry with me for the rest of my life. there have been people who have expressed their love and appreciation for me who i didn't even realize i impacted. it's been humbling and amazing all at the same time.

2. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
As it seems, my dreams have been coming true. but what this means to me is that because the lord is blessing me with my desires as i follow him...my desires are BECOMING his desires. that means my heart is slowly becoming more like his heart--i am slowly, but surely being sanctified through my faith in Jesus Christ. this brings joy to my innermost being. as i strive to be like Christ, i fail and struggle every day--but when he blesses me to see some evidence of sanctification, my heart soars!

God is really so good to me--even in the craziness of moving.

Good day

2009-12-07T21:50:00.000-08:00

boy, have i felt overwhelmed lately! with preparing to move, finding a replacement for my job and my house, planning for the holidays, and searching for housing and jobs in minneapolis, i have felt defeated almost daily. SO, i decided i must take it one day at a time and focus on the lord through out that day, and all will fall into place. after all, we are not even guaranteed tomorrow anyway.

surely, as i have been learning to do this, things are coming together. saturday was a break-through day, and so was today. i now have a place to live when i get to MN in january...what a huge burden lifted! i also have registered for classes and am all set with those. i start january 13th. i am getting more and more excited as the time draws near.

i will be taking:
The Pleasures of God
Theological Foundations 1
AND
The Pursuit of God's Glory in Salvation

now my focus is finding a job. god is really so good to me and continues to provide EVERYTHING i need, so i have no doubt in my mind he will provide a job in his perfect timing. i am in awe of the way he takes care of me. his mercy is so great. i am truly honored to be his servant and to be on this adventure. i don't desire to be anywhere else but here, in his will. god is so good. and today, today is good as well. this is the day the lord has made and i will rejoice and be glad in it.

Loved into humility

2009-12-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

in the last few weeks i have really been processing my move and 'life-change'. with that has come many tears, a lot of joy, and quite a bit of sadness. i've started saying goodbye in my own way by intentionally spending one-on-one time with specific people.

just the other night, after i spent time with one of my friends, i was moved to tears and humility as i realized how much i am loved here.

you see, everytime i leave a place, i assume i will not be greatly missed--things will just go on as they did before i showed up. i'm not sure why i assume that, but i always have. but this time, something is different. i am not just leaving a place or a person--i am leaving a family and a season of life. in the past few weeks, i have literally had people beg me to stay. the feeling of being loved and needed is one i cannot explain...

so, in my tears, i realized how much the lord blesses us through relationships and other people. god is love. so any love i experience here on this earth is of him. HE sent these beautiful people to love me because HE loves me. in their love for me, i experience god's love for me...and that just blows my mind. i was humbled beyond belief to know i am so loved. i don't deserve it...none of us do, but our god loves us so much that he will not give us what we deserve, instead he gives us love--unfailing love.

in my joy and sadness, i am loved into humility.

falling apart...

2009-11-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

possibly some shocking news to some of you...
1. i'm moving to minnesota
2. in like a month
3. everything is falling apart

about two weeks ago, i visited john piper's school (bethlehem college and seminary) in minneapolis. for quite some time now i have been praying about going back to school for biblical studies. i knew the lord was leading me in that direction but i did not know exactly when. well, i loved it and now i'm going next semester. once again, i'm picking up and moving across the country with no place to live and no job. not the smartest decision in the world's eyes, but who says i am of this world?

since the lord confirmed that is where i am to be and i have started to take steps toward it (i.e. quitting my job, finding someone to live in my room, etc.), i have been attacked. i knew that this was coming. i know that when you follow the lord you are more susceptible to attack, but there has been some low blows lately. i guess i forgot how much worse it has to get before it gets better.

for starters, the week i returned home we had a major roommate issue, causing us great difficulty in paying november rent. then i got food poisoning and threw up more than i ever have before in my entire life. then there was work drama (which is still not resolved) that i must deal with on a daily basis. then my iPod broke--the week of my race (yay for running 13.1 miles without music!). then to top it all off, my computer crashed on me today. i don't think i'll be able to recover anything.

so, today as i evaluated a few things, i realized i am EXACTLY where i'm supposed to be. it just so happens that i am reading Job in the midst of all this as well as doing a bible study on joseph and him being sold into slavery, betrayed and thrown into jail, etc., etc.
is this a coincidence? no. it is the absolute providence of god. the lord is allowing these things to happen to me so i will be refined in the fire. i'm overwhelmed with all of this, not to mention uprooting and moving to a foreign place, yet i am overjoyed in knowing this is the will of the lord.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed...So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."
1 Peter 4:12-13, 19

i will rejoice.

dear eggnog latte, you stole my heart.

2009-11-04T10:44:00.000-08:00

kid you not.
i was driving to work this morning and i saw a lady walking down the street with a coffee cup in her hand. i had to do a double take because it looked like the holiday cups from starbucks. just the other day, i was wondering when the festive decor would come out...i knew it was soon. so, i rolled up to the stoplight and examined the woman's up. indeed it was the starbucks holiday cup!

thought #1: oh yay, it's almost christmas time!
thought #2: oh my gosh, this means eggnog lattes might be available!

in my excitement, i pressed on. when i got to work, a friend of mine was on the way out the door to the post office. i frequent that post office and know that there is a starbucks right beside it...SO, i kindly asked her if she would stop by for me. then i did it, i requested an eggnog latte, still not knowing if it was available yet. i even told her a back-up drink just in case they weren't there.

in my meeting i was distracted every time someone walked down the hallway. i thought it could by my co-worker arriving with the 'goods'. well, she got there. she set my drink on the table in front of me, and i just assumed by her facial expression that it was not the treasured drink. so i said, "they didn't have them then?"

she nonchalantly said, "no, they did." and i quickly drank to my hearts delight. just as good as i had remembered! i had only waited 360 or so days for this. my day was off to a delightful start. thank the lord for eggnog lattes. and thank the lord they are only available 2 months out of the year. otherwise, i would be concerned about my health, not to mention the idolatry that comes with loving a drink this much.
*don't worry, jesus is still my number one :)

homeless pigeons

2009-10-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

every morning, i walk through our 'courtyard' to get to my office. every morning, i see pigeons eating away at the dirty food on the courtyard floor. and every morning, i think about the night before. you see, each night we have between 60-75 women and children packed in that courtyard, waiting to get a warm meal, a shower, and a place to lay their heads. it breaks my heart. but the point of this story is not that--this morning i saw the same pigeon i always see. he's dirty and broken, just like many of the people here. he's missing a foot--literally. where his foot should be is a stub instead. so mr. pigeon wobbles around eating the left-over food from the night before. it's sad.

although this may be a long-shot, i think this pigeon is homeless and finds comfort in living at a homeless shelter. (i promise you, he really does live here--i see him every day). so my thought is not profound, nor is it spiritual this morning; i just thought you'd like to know pigeons can be homeless too.

the end.

Tears in a bottle

2009-10-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

She sobbed with her head in her hands. Looking up at her two-year-old, she smiled. Cece ran quickly to her mother, and standing on her small tippy-toes, she reached to wipe the tear from her face. A two-year-old wiping tears from her mother's face...it's enough to bring tears to your own eyes. I can only imagine what was going through Cece's mind as she wiped those tears away. "Mama, be happy--i can't bear to see you sad." As her mother is most likely Cece's source of joy, what kind of impact does it have on her to see her beloved mom the opposite of joyful?

As I witnessed this account today at work, I was on the verge of tears myself. However, it forced me to think on our tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Where do they all go? With each tear comes so much emotion, passion, frustration, excitement...One tear may be a spring time rain drop. Another tear may be the Pacific Ocean. Each one has meaning. Each one has a name. Not one is wasted.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

There they are--filling up a large bottle held by the perfect hands of a King. The keeper of our tears is also the lover of our souls. A God who cares enough to keep track of each one of our tears surely deserves our whole hearts.

Our tears are not wasted. We are loved by the God of the Universe. And one day, when we get home, we will take our bottles--full to the brim--and pour them out as a love offering upon the feet of our Savior.

falling into fall

2009-10-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

oh, fall, how i love you!

the cool weather has suddenly interrupted summer in san diego. last week, i was sweating in my house with all the windows and doors open. this week, i am cuddled up with sweatpants and socks (you know it is cold when you wear socks in san diego) with all the windows and doors closed. the abrupt change is welcome.

so, not only is the weather falling into fall, but, literally, i am too. i fell 13,000 feet on sunday. well...technically i only fell 7,000 feet and floated with a parachute for 5,000 more until my feet gently hit the ground. YES, I WENT SKYDIVING!

it was amazing and i would suggest it to all. i went with my sister and brother-in-law and we had so much fun. i'm starting to find out more about myself as i put myself in different situations. skydiving revealed to me how ABnormal i am when it comes to outrageous activities. i was not scared at all. in fact, the only nervousness i experienced was when i was signing a 29 page document stating "I WILL NOT SUE IF I BECOME INJURED OR DIE". but that nervousness passed quickly after i realized each paragraph said the same thing: 'don't die and don't sue'.

but in all honesty, i embraced the experience with all that i had. it took me a while to figure out why i was not fearful. then i realized that because i am not afraid of death, i have no reason to freak out when jumping out of a plane. my love for the lord is so much stronger than my love for life, so to die is gain and to live is christ.

p.s. i miss the leaves. sad day, southern california.

birthday bash

2009-09-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

this truly has turned out to be a month of celebration. i have been celebrating my bday for almost 2 weeks now and it will continue into next weekend. i am about to list all that i have done...and then i will elaborate :)

1. a concert and dancing
2. manicure and pedicure with a dear friend
3. dessert and drinks night with all my friends...just for me
4. a day at the spa, full-body massage included
5. Sea World and dinner with a friend and my 9-month-old boyfriend :)
6. free prime-rib at the Boathouse restaurant
7. Grey's Anatomy premiere party with the girls
8. a live music house show and wine and snacks at my house
9. coffee and breakfast with a dear friend/roommate
10.TO COME...boating in the bay, dinner downtown, and skydiving ALL with my sister and brother-in-law

now, i'm not sure if any of you know this, but i've had a series of terrible birthdays in the past...at least up until my 23rd when i was in peru. so, now that the last couple of birthdays have been so great, i'm learning to love growing older. this birthday was so relaxing. i felt very loved and appreciated. the lord really blessed me, and continues to bless me with the relationships that i have formed here and continue to form. i feel the lord is using me and speaking to me daily and i love where i'm at. i am content where he has me right now.

with that said, i must admit i did not feel this way a few weeks ago. i was freaking out about turning 25--you know, the typical evaluate-your-life-and-base-it-on-your-childhood-desires syndrome. i thought, just like everyone else, that i would be married, with children and career at 25--well established. guess what??? i'm now 25 and still lack all of these things, BUT i would have it no other way. as long as i'm drawing closer to the lord each day, i consider it success. i love the life i have in christ, even if in the world's eyes it doesn't look like much :)

i'm dating myself

2009-09-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

today i did something i've never done before--i took myself on a date...ALL DAY LONG. i was alone from beginning to end. i woke up, cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and my room. then i took a shower and got ready for the day. i stopped by a couple shops on my way to the car wash (since my once white car was filthy brown). i bought a cute shirt for the purpose of kicking off fall (it's flannel), and then i cleaned out and washed my car. by this time it was 2 pm and i hadn't talked to a single person yet.

i drove to the bay and watched the sailboats get kicked around by the waves. i just listened the the waves crash as i sat on my cozy little rock. this is one of my secret places in san diego...i go there to get inspiration. after a while of silence, i laid my towel out on the grass and began to read psalm 119. since april i have been periodically studying and writing on psalm 119. so today, i picked up right where i left off. it's been such a long time since i wrote last and it felt so good today. god began to soften my heart as the day went on.

after i left the bay, i picked up a burrito and ran home to check movie times. i have been dying to see the new tyler perry movie and i knew it came out this weekend. so after realizing i had spent the whole day alone, i thought about going to the movie by myself as well. i've never done that before. some may think it is strange, but i felt liberated by the fact that i could go to a movie by myself with no shame. so i did it. and it was great.

the movie is called 'i can do bad all by myself' and it is a really great story. tyler perry is my favorite artist and all of his stuff really hits home for me. i was brought to tears multiple times in this movie (it was definitely a good one to see alone).

so, i took myself on a date today, but i was really never alone. i never am. the lord is forever my best friend and his presence is heavy on me these days. i think that is why i have such security in being alone right now. although it gets lonely often, i remind myself on days like today, it will not always be this way...one day i will have a husband and children and will rarely be alone. but until then i'm embracing it, i guess.

Church!!

2009-08-23T13:37:00.000-07:00

i have FINALLY found a church! after a year and a half of living in san diego, i have found a church to call home :)

it has been a long road. after the church conference in alabama, where i felt the lord revealed so much truth to me, i have been struggling to find a church even remotely close to the biblical preaching i desired. but lately, as i have been praying about god's will for my life and the great conviction i've felt to serve at a church, i did some more research. i found this church on a website that i had frequented. it was a new listing on the site and i KNEW that it not only was the church that i was looking for, but was also god's perfect timing (as always). once i found the site, i listened to the pastor's preaching all week and could NOT wait to actually meet him and the congregation today. so, i went today...and i loved it!

the preaching was solid and the congregation was quaint but welcoming. i feel like i have a home already and it's only been a day. god's hand is on this church and i'm so happy to be in a place where i can get fed. i can't wait to sign up to serve and to get to know the community better. i have searched so long for this! thank god for his perfect timing.

Links to sermons i am listening to:

www.anchoredintruth.org (resources, sermons)
www.hcmissions.org (resources, sermons)
www.gracesantee.org (sunday sermons) MY NEW CHURCH!
www.enduringtruth.org
www.hopeingod.org

enjoy!!

as feathers float

2009-08-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

transition. that is the word for my life. once again i am transitioning. into what, i do not know, but nonetheless i am in a place of shifting shadows and constant movement.

i feel like my life is a box of feathers that someone just tossed in the air and i'm watching each feather float slowly to the ground, blow in the wind, and determine its own direction. could be the weirdest place in which i've ever been in my life.

constantly the lord reminds me that this is not my home and i am to wear this world as a loose garment. so lately, i cling to nothing but christ. here are a few reasons i feel like i'm in transition again.

1. my house: two dear friends moved out, and two dear friends moved in...i am still waiting on one unknown roommate
2. my job: i am SO ready for something more challenging. the lord has confirmed that i need to be around people rather than behind a desk, so i am anxiously awaiting new opportunities.
3. my love life: there no longer is one. ha :) yes, this means the lord took my (ex) boyfriend and i in different directions.
4. my next step: i'm now looking into grad schools, seminaries, and biblical programs. i feel the lord calling me to be taught, mentored, and led. my soul is daily being cultivated and i love this growth.
5. my community: many of my dear friends this year have A)gotten married, B)moved to a foreign country for work/missions, or C)have just moved on to the next phase. i too am ready for the next phase...as my community is scattered i feel in a way i have no community. i feel the lord calling me to a deep community where i can serve and be invested in as well. i'm on the search. at this point, i would move for a community and a biblical church ahead of a job. i know the lord will provide when i get to wherever he's calling me.

so now, as the feathers of my life float in the air, i watch and actively wait on the lord to determine their directions. the word of the lord says,
"If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God's ways are as hard to discern as the pathways of the wind, and as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in a mother's womb. Be sure to stay busy and plant a variety of crops, for you never know which will grow--perhaps they all will." Ecclesiastes 11:4-6

up in the air,
lindsey

A priest and a doctor at the doctor's office

2009-07-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

We did something a little different in my creative writing class today. I think the girls really liked it. We took two very distinctive but different characters and placed them together in a common, but unique area. We discussed some of the following:
-A priest and doctor at the doctor's office
-An old lady and a serial killer in line at the grocery store
-An actress and a farmer at a dress shop

I wrote with the ladies...and this is what I came up with.
-A pregnant lady and an archeologist at the library

Ella went there to find a book on inducing labor, for she was two weeks overdue. She had never been to the library before. She wasn't the reading type. But, today, she was so desperate to find a solution to her nine-month-two-week-old problem that she found herself surrounded by shelves of books and quiet people.

Everyone looked the same to her--old, with grey hair and dark-rimmed glasses. All of them had their noses burried in books too big to hold--all except one. This man had brown trousers on and was covered in dirt. He wore some type of toolbelt and his handkerchief peeked slightly from his pocket. He was kneeling down frantically looking through the many books scattered around him on the floor.

Ella watched him through the slot in the shelves. He looked distressed. She wondered what could have possibly been so urgent for this man. Suddenly, Ella began to have labor pains right there in aisle F7--just one aisle away from the frantic man. She fell do the floor in pain. At the sound of her thud, the man looked up from his books searching for the source of the noise. He peeked throught the shelves and saw her laying there.
"Psst...Are you okay?" he asked.
"No! I'm in labor, you silly man!" she screamed.
Without thinking, he went back to his scattered books and began to clean up, stacking them one on top of the other.
Irritated, Ella inquired, "What are you doing?"
"I don't know. I'm an archeologist. I only deal with fossils, not living beings--and especially not ones in labor!" he replied.
It finally made sense to Ella--an archeologist.
"Well at least call for help, please" she said.
The man ran to the front desk and told them about Ella. He came back to gather his books and Ella pleaded with him to stay by her side until the paramedics arrived.
That day a baby was born listening to stories of secret hidden treasures of the lost world in the public library.

My new body...

2009-06-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

2009-06-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

Be still...

2009-06-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

I challenged my creative writing class last week to write on silence and stillness. I asked them to write on Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."
I decided to write along with them and this is what came about.

'Be still and know that I am God.'
Being still before the Lord demands complete surrender. I must abandon all thoughts, worries, and hopes. I must leave behind the scars of my busy day. And I must lay down the dreams of a new morning when I awake tomorrow.
I feel peace and comfort even in just thinking about stillness before the Lord. It's like putting on my favorite pair of sweatpants, sitting in my reading chair and letting the hot cup of tea warm my hands. As I breathe in and out, it's different than it's been before. These are sighs of relief--of rest. I am resting in His sovereignty and knowing that no matter what, He is in control. I praise Him from my inner-most being even in this silence and stillness. My living body rejoices in the life it has because of His mercy. As he is the great I AM, so I am just me in his presence now. Here I sit, before him with nothing to offer but my life. My life--a small offering in comparison to what He's given.

camping...and repentance (ha)

2009-06-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

i'm going camping this weekend! i am so excited to just get away. i haven't been camping in years. actually, i think the last time i was in a tent was my senior year of high school! i am looking forward to seeing the stars, hiking the trails, getting some sun, and just being away from the city. i think this will be a good time with the lord, as well. being in nature always draws me closer to him. the less distractions, the more clearly i can see the lord. i desperately need him right now.

there is so much to pray about. god is doing many mighty things around this world and satan is after the people he is using. i've come to see how important that it is we are all covered in prayer always. god has been instilling in me a sense of urgency lately. we need to be bold in him and press on, not living this life in a lukewarm state. this is an excerpt from my book about being lukewarm in this day and age:

I heard a sermon a couple months ago that has been resounding in my own life lately. It was based on the problem of our culture right now. The problem is our generation, of Christians especially, have one foot in and one foot out. We want so badly to follow Jesus into the slums and to speak the good news, yet we want to fit in with this world. We want the adventure of following Jesus, but the security of being part of this world. We are straddling the fence and where is it getting us? Nowhere. In fact, it is more detrimental to us than if we would just choose the dark side. You see, the one thing God hates most is lukewarm hearts.
14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." Revelation 3:14-22

So how do we heat up that lukewarm, disgusting bathwater in which we happily sit? Seek. Pray. Ask. Speak. Listen. Cry. Repent.'

this is why i have a sense of urgency. some of us think the christian life is so easy because of the grace we are freely given. i know that is how i have thought for so long. but when we are truly seeking the lord and repenting of our evil nature and striving to not live in a lukewarm state, THE CHRISTIAN LIFE IS THE MOST DIFFICULT LIFE TO LIVE. jesus is our only measurement of perfection, and we are called to be like him. that, my friends, is a difficult calling! but what a privilege to even be called.

i challenge you all to search your hearts and boldly stand on the left or the right of the fence. don't straddle it any longer. it's time to rise up as the body of christ. when he returns, what will he say to you? i hope that it is 'well done, good and faithful servant.'

"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour." (Matthew 25:13)

in this moment

2009-05-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

i am sitting on my bed writing.
my stomach is full of sushi.
i have feist playing in my ear.
i'm wearing my sweatpants and a hoodie.
i just got off the phone with my beloved mother.
and i am now drinking a glass of sangria.

in this moment, i am content.

lately i've had to really focus on living moment by moment. i've felt so unsettled in a lot of things lately. let's start with my job. I AM SO BORED WITH IT RIGHT NOW. there is no possibility of advancement and the day-to-day tasks have become chores for me. i am trying so hard to change my attitude about my job, but i just know that soon it will be time to move on.
next, san diego. i love this city, but honestly, i could pick up and leave tomorrow. i am SUCH a nomad. i'm just ready for whatever is next and i feel the Lord is not allowing me to get too attached to any one thing. i'm asking him, 'Send me!'

although i do not know what is next, i am truly excited. the lord is cultivating my soul and teaching me so much. i am encouraged and discouraged at the same time for i have so much more to learn. i will never arrive at a certain point of knowledge or love for my lord, and it's only by his grace that i am even learning anything. BUT in this moment, i rejoice in not remaining stagnant or numb but feeling him move me.

today i am content.
(this picture is of me and my dear friends meg and tina...being content)

loving the law...

2009-04-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

wow! i cannot believe that it is almost may and i last blogged at the beginning of april. time is flying by. with each week, comes quicker days and even quicker nights. our time here on earth is just a blink of an eye. in the quickness of life, i rest in the fact that i only have today to think about. we are not promised tomorrow, nor do we really deserve it, but by the grace of god, when i wake up the next morning i can then think about the day before me. this is one thing i've been so thankful for lately--my contentment in the NOW. the lord has really taken my mind and allowed me only to think on what is set before me today.

as i think about what he is doing in my life i only want to think about two things...right now and eternity. i don't ever want to dwell on the past (although i use it to remind myself of the dark places from which i have come). and i don't ever want to day-dream about the future. i only want to be where god has me now and revel in the glory of eternity (which i have to look forward to). i can honestly say i am completely content in what the lord is doing in my life TODAY. it is a roller-coaster with christ, but every day i fall more in love with him regardless of how happy or sad i may be. that is what a relationship is about because feelings can be deceiving and loving someone takes devotion. i have found a new devotion to my jesus. one that renews me.

Psalm 119
"I long to obey your commandments! Renew my life with your goodness."

as i hunger and thirst for truth lately, i find the only satisfying thing is god's law. psalm 119 is all about loving god's law and living in his commandments. i have been eating up this psalm like cheesecake lately. literally, chewing on its words all throughout the day. my heart's cry is through out this psalm and in it i find many answers to my questions. as i learn more about my depravity and absolute need for a savior, i cling to the truth of this psalm. and the truth is that we have NOTHING but his law. his law is good and we should love it. not because we have to, but in response to his unfailing love for us.

"When I learn your righteous laws, I will thank you by living as I should!" v. 7

our only response to god should be absolute obedience and a desire to live out righteous lives daily. once we LEARN his laws and his truth, we have a huge responsibility to speak, live, and breathe truth through out the day. i am greatly challenged by his law. but the more i learn, the more sinful i realize i am, and therefore the more thankful i am for the grace that has been poured out upon me.

A California Easter

2009-04-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be reunited with my family for a fun-filled Easter weekend in Cali. We are all meeting in Long Beach, where my sister lives, and will be going to Disneyland and California Adventure. I am SO very excited for this weekend, but I am even more excited just to be with my beloved family.

This will be the first time we are all together since two Christmas's ago. It has been beautiful here lately--like nice enough that I already have a tan from last weekend, BUT this weekend it is supposed to rain. The weatherman here in SoCal has not proven himself to me yet because he's always wrong. Let's hope he's wrong this time. I would love it if it didn't rain on me while I was playing with Mickey Mouse and riding rides with my nephew. But rain or shine, I am sure it will be a great weekend.

God is really working in my heart right now and I'm processing through a lot. I think that's why I haven't blogged lately. But after this weekend with my family, I will let you all know where my heart is and what I've been up to. Just had to share my excitement with everyone I know! Happy Easter, All!! Jesus is Risen!

Refining

2009-03-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

my soul is being refined, but it's not without burning and suffering. as god brings me through the fire daily, i find joy in knowing that he's the one bringing me through it.

Ecc 7:3
"Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us."

as some of you may know, i just went to alabama for a church conference on repentance. my time there was intense. through listening to hours of sermons and spending time with great and godly people, i learned so much. not only about myself, but about my god. repentance is a hard issue because it truly reveals how sinful we are as people and how absolutely incapable we are of doing any good without christ. i don't think i can unpack all i learned while i was there because there was so much, but i will tell you how god is refining me right now and what he spoke so clearly to me.

this past week i have really felt the lord telling me that my ministry is, and has always been, my immediate community. god has given me the desire, and the ability to encourage and push other believers toward him...toward truth, love and grace. it took me a while to realize that my ministry is my every day life--it's my roommates, my coworkers, my friends, my neighbors. for the first time i understand that this is of great significance. god is somehow using me, an undeserved servant, to bring glory to his name as he changes other people through my words. please hear me when i say, this is NOT of me, nor am i bragging of what i'm doing, but instead, it is the SPIRIT moving in and through me.

my heart and my prayers are being transformed. my heart breaks for those who do not realize they are already free of their sin but they live as if they're still enslaved by it. my prayers are now for furthering god's kingdom, whether that means suffering or not. i am feeling what others feel and hurting for them.

i have had a really rough past 2 years of my life, but this year, 2009, i am being SO blessed. i felt god had left me stranded for the past 2 years--i felt like i was always there for others and no one was there for me--i felt used and forgotten about. but in hindsight, i now see that i WAS BEING USED...but for his glory. and that's what it's all about. it's not about how happy i am or if i'm getting what i want, but it's about how he can use me to further his kingdom. in this realization i am reminded of phillipians 3:
"i once thought all of these things so very important, but now i consider them worthless because of what christ has done. yes, everything else is worthless when compared to the priceless gain of knowing christ jesus my lord. yes, i have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that i may have christ and become one with him."

i've always wondered why i would rather be the back-up singer than the main attraction, and now i know that was just how god created me. he created me to be behind the scenes playing crucial roles that may never get noticed. as my face blends into this crowd of people, i find joy in knowing that christ is the only one i truly need to be noticed by. i am living my purpose...the same purpose we all have--living to further HIS kingdom.

i hope you all are encouraged by this and find that god reveals your ministry, big or small, it is where you're needed.

blown away

2009-01-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

god is blowing my mind lately. the last three weeks i have felt god moving in and around me so much. it was like i just had two terrible years and the second it turned 2009, the lord began to bless me tremendously. i do not deserve these gifts but it comes with being one of his children, and i will not dispute it.

i write this entry with many emotions. god has filled my day today with joy and sorrow. i am beginning to mourn with people when they mourn and rejoice with people when they rejoice. but besides the range of emotions i feel for and with other people, i am being filled with so much joy, myself. god is answering my prayers before i am even done asking.

just monday i was praying at my new bible study with a girl about opportunities at work. as some of you know, my heart is for the poor and broken AND for writing. and i've been stuck behind a desk at work not really getting to do either of those things. but i've been patient and content. but, tomorrow, being friday--only 4 short days
later, i will be teaching a creative writing class to 35-40 homeless ladies in our program at work. i'm not sure if you guys read that correctly, let me restate what i just said. I WILL BE DOING BOTH OF THE MOST PASSIONATE THINGS IN MY LIFE AT THE SAME TIME...AND GETTING PAID FOR IT.

it's not just that. it's everything. god is blessing me in every way possible. so today as i meditated on this i came across a scripture that really spoke to me.
------
Matthew 25:21 (referring to the talents given to the three servants by the master--this one being one who invested)
"The master was full of praise. 'Well done my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now i will give you many more responsibilities. Let's celebrate together!'"

v.29 (referring to the one who played it safe and didn't invest)
"To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who are unfaithful, even what little they have will be taken away."
-------

god is seriously entrusting me with so much right now that i can't even begin to explain it. but i really feel like he's testing me to see what i will do with it. will i take risks and give to him what's already his? or will i store up for myself what he's blessed me with. i have a choice. but for the first time in my life, i am learning sincere generosity and what it means to give from the heart.

life is SO good right now. but "your unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how i praise you!" (ps 63:3)

drowning in happiness

2009-01-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

my heart wanted to jump out of my chest a couple times this week. i don't really even know where to begin, but it seems to me that 2009 is already off to a great start. as you know, i moved into my new house on the 1st. since then i have slowly been filling up the house with cheap but beautiful furniture and decor from thrift stores. i have also been filling the house with joy. or better yet, christ has been filling the house with joy.

we finally got electricity after 5 days of living in the dark. i don't think i've ever been so happy. i was running around the house flipping on every switch and jumping up and down when the light illuminated the room. i called my parents screaming, "mom! dad! i have electricity! and a real house! i'm all grown up!" i had a similar reaction when i brought home a $50 leather couch i had purchased from a thrift store.

the point is, i'm finally able to settle in for the first time in 2 years. i feel like i have a home--a place to relax and grow and create community. the new roommate is fabulous and we are having so much fun together. i love coming home from work every day!

now, the fact that these small, yet important things are making me so happy is only part of it. since the first of the year god has really been revealing himself to me. i am learning more and more about his heart for me and for the people around me. i am being filled with his joy daily and when my attitude is crappy, the turnaround is quick. for the first time in possibly 2 years i feel like i am being filled up by the spirit. i am overflowing. drowning in grace and truth. drowning in happiness.

first blog of 2009

2009-01-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

wow. it is 2009. where did this year go? one year ago i had just gotten home from Peru. i look back at this year of transition and all i can do is get so excited for the next year because so much happened in the last one. i came back from peru, moved to lincoln for 5 months, and then took the leap of faith and moved to san diego with no job and no home. it turned out well. i still really feel like this is where i'm supposed to be.

so an update on the last couple weeks of my life. i am currently sitting in my new room...after going to nebraska for christmas, i moved from my small apartment to a 3 bedroom house, and i LOVE it. christmas eve was my last day of work at the coffee shop and then i flew home christmas day. i had a wonderful time with my family and realized how much i missed them. then i flew home on new years eve and began moving right away. i am sort of settled in my new house but there are a few problems...

we. have. no. electricity.

so, here i am, trying to put this house together in the dark. ha. it's comical and frustrating but it makes me realize how spoiled we truly are. so tonight i am sitting in my bed with my candles burning thanking the lord for electricity (when we do get it). i have really had to strategically organize my days because i can only work on the house until 4 pm. so i've been going to bed early and waking up early. this is what it must have been like in the old days. interesting. but all is well. this year is off to a great and exciting start. the lord has great plans for this year.

i got a manicure...

2008-12-23T22:14:00.000-08:00

Suzie Homemaker here i come!

2008-12-15T22:21:00.000-08:00

for some reason, i have been more and more domestic lately. i've been wanting to cook and clean for people lately. tonight i made chili for some dear friends. it was my mother's recipe, and i actually did it justice! i was so proud of myself. not only did i cook, but i had candles burning and the table set nicely for all--not to mention the pine cones and crafty christmas display surrounding the table. i love serving others.

tonight we found the perfect house, which we've been on the hunt for for a while now. it was a colorful 3 bedroom with lots of character. tomorrow we are turning in our applications and hoping we get the place. if so, we'll be moving in january 1. i am so excited to get settled and make a place my own. this apartment i'm living in is just a storage place for me right now--it's not home. i'm so excited to find a home...where i can be even MORE domestic!

this weekend was great because i went ice skating for the first time in my life. i would have never imagined my first time skating on ice would be on a beach. kind of ironic that i had to come from a wintery state to a sunny state to ice skate, but nonetheless, it was beautiful. i only fell once. ha. no, but it really was beautiful--everything about it. the act of skating. the christmas lights surrounding us. the beach and palm trees staring back at us. it was all perfect. it made me feel like a kid again.

this is kind of a random post, but it's just some of the things going on in my life. nothing fancy, just life. all is well here. i am blessed.

Officially winter

2008-12-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

this morning i decided it's officially winter. (not sure if i have the authority to decide that, but nonetheless, i did) it's been foggy a lot in the mornings and kinda chilly, but today, it just looked wintery (for california anyway). and i was cold all day, so i decided this is winter in san diego. cold. but not f r e e z i n g. thank god.

it's december already and i don't know how that happened. i went to phoenix for thanksgiving and had a great time with the sisters and bro-in-law, but i started to get a bit depressed when i realized i was not going home for christmas. when i came back to san diego, i was in a festive spirit and was wanting to decorate. but decorating costs money and that's something i don't have right now. so, i got a little more depressed as i realized my apartment would not be festive AND i would spend christmas alone. boo. BUT today, as i was checking flights, i found one under $400 and i decided to get it. so i'm coming home! i'm actually flying ON Christmas day, but better late than never, right?

so i am excited that it is winter and that there is a possibility of seeing snow. a new year is quickly approaching and i am excited for fresh beginnings. and now, i am excited to go home.

A very different fall

2008-11-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

it is the middle of november and i can still go to the beach. in fact, i went on saturday. it has been so hot lately that i have to keep all the windows open in my apartment in order to breathe. my mind cannot comprehend that it is fall. so tonight...i am forcing fall upon myself.

i am wearing a scarf, drinking hot tea, and reading a book in my reading chair. i am almost sweating, but it is worth it because it now seems like fall.

today was a great day. actually, i've had a great couple of days. my best friend's mom was here over the weekend and we had a very relaxing and enjoyable time. after the beach on saturday, we bought some crafts from Michael's and made cute and crafty hair clips. then we ate pizza and watched a movie. my soul was really craving rest and i definitely got it this weekend.

i've been so busy that i forgot how great it feels to slow down. i was talking with a friend last night about constantly being in transition because i still am. i somehow believed the lie that after college i was supposed to have life figured out and would have all this time to do the things i love the most. well, i've been in constant transition since the last day of college and i'm starting to wonder if this period of life is even a 'period' at all. i've really been wrestling with myself and god about where i am and where i want to be. god's timing is so different than mine and i've been trying to move past the 'now' and into the future. this has been a very weird year of my life, one i will never be able to explain, yet it is one i'd never give up. i am me. i am here. and i'm slowly learning that that's all i can be. so this is me slowing down and trying to be patient.

i'm off to drink more tea and read my book...until next time.

forcing fall,
Lindsey Michelle

Newness November

2008-11-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

A fresh month. A new start. I'm calling it Newness Novemeber. Today I ran the Susan Komen 5K Race for the Cure. My team, 'Little Boobs Count Too', dominated the course. I was so proud of us all. It was so good to run for a cause and with special people. I am already looking to run a 10K next. Yesterday, my work held the annual candlelight vigil for the homeless men and women who died on the streets this year. It was very touching and very necessary. We carried 58 candles and 58 pairs of shoes that represented those who died on the streets alone. I felt so blessed to be a part of it. This weekend was a great kickoff to November. I feel like this month is a new time for me.

The last two months I let life get in the way of living...if that makes sense. But now I am slowing down and really taking time to do the things I love the most. The time change last night will now allow me (or force me) to run in the mornings now instead of after work. I think Jenna and I are going into work later after we work out in the mornings. I am excited to get the day started with a morning run.

I usually work at the coffee shop on Wednesday nights and Sundays, but the last two weeks I took off. Last weekend I went to Phoenix to see my sisters and the new puppy. The five hour drive was welcomed, as I was alone and needed time to think and just be. The time with my sisters was relaxing and enjoyable. I had a great weekend, besides the fact that my car broke down on the way home and I had to pay $700 unexpectedly. But I felt so blessed and taken care of that the money didn't even matter. It's just a car. Just money. At least I got to see my sisters and had a great weekend.

Today I took off work for the race, but even more, just to relax. I'm sitting in my bed, blogging, and catching up. I love it. This month is going to be a good one. I'm going to make time for myself and not let life get in the way again. Yay for Newness November! P.S. Here's a picture of my new favorite niece.

deception

2008-10-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

things are never as they seem. there's always something deeper...something more than meets the eye (or heart). we, as human beings, can be so easily mislead and deceived. i have been deceived. i have been angry with myself the last couple of days because i let myself see things only skin-deep. if only i would have looked deeper--investigated. but the bible says the heart IS deceiving, and since i often lead with my heart, i am now learning how it fails me sometimes.

it boggles my mind how people can live a lie so easily. as i've grown into myself, into who the lord has made me, i've learned to drop my disguises because i can no longer be anybody but me. it's really hard for me NOT to wear my heart on my sleeve. because i let people in so quickly, i also get hurt more easily. i could be bitter about this and shut down, but then i remember the fruit that comes from being vulnerable and loving. i look at jesus' life and see how he got hurt time and time again...and even how we continue to hurt him day in and day out as we sin. did he ever shut down? no. never. he was always loving. always speaking truth. always trusting that true love would conquer all. true love would take away all the hurt. his soft grace and gentle spirit broke down so many walls. oh, how i long to be just like that.

although my heart was deceived, my spirit is still willing. i long to love without deception here on earth, but for now, i remind myself that the love that comes from my lord is unfathomably true and more than enough. HE is more than enough for me.

2008-10-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

a new season...

2008-09-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

the seasons are changing. as the sun sets a little quicker and the wind bites a little harder, i can feel a change creeping up. yesterday i turned 24. today i decided i was moving into a bigger apartment. my life is quickly moving into a new season as well.

i've been here in cali for about a full four months. i have a steady job, well two actually. i have a church community. i have new friends. and i'm ready to start settling in. i've been living in a one bedroom apartment with a friend, and it's been perfect. but now that i can afford my own room and i have a future here in san diego, i am ready to settle into some place i can call home. this one bedroom apartment has served its purpose and now it's time to move into some place where i can buy furniture, paint the walls, and put a welcome home mat on the front step. as i close this time of transition and move into a more permanent time, i can't help but think of how faithful god has been to me. he has provided me with all of this...support from my family to up and move to cali, an apartment in an abrupt week, a job (after much searching), and new friends. i feel so blessed to be in this place.

my desire right now is to live in a community house. i really want to live with 4 or so people and form a little family of our own. i want a place where we can eat together and cry together and laugh together. i want to live communally. life is not meant to live alone and i think community is worth all the pain that it sometimes creates. i've said this before...especially while i was in peru...community is hard but it's so worth fighting for. i want a community. (and my own room) ;)

leave it up to a glass of wine and a chick flick

2008-09-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

i had a great day today. i'm finally feeling like myself again. my head was not as clouded as it has been lately. i've been playing catch-up at work since i was sick last week and i've been really stressed out. today i got a lot done and was able to relax a bit. tonight was a very good night for me. i had dinner and wine with my best friend jenna. we sat and talked, and it was quiet and peaceful. i have needed a break from people this week, so it was good just to 'be'. then we grabbed chai and went to a girly movie--Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

the movie was good. it made me so thankful for my girlfriends. as i get older and my friends (both guys and girls) get married, i am realizing how crucial girlfriends are. you can't have guy friends when you get married so it's really important to invest in relationships with the same sex because those relationships remain. i am so blessed to have the friends i have.

after a long, frustrating weekend, tonight was just what i needed. this weekend didn't go quite as planned and it really opened my eyes to a lot. i felt my desperate need for god this weekend. i was reminded that i can only find satisfaction in him. after being so busy for so long, i was forced to slow down this weekend. i realized that i had stopped doing things i love...like running, writing, spending time in deep conversation, reading, etc. it was good to just slow down and re-evaluate my life right now. because i had gotten so busy, i was quickly becoming an unhappy person. but tonight, at many points, i was just deeply satisfied. through out dinner and the movie i was just plain happy. happy to be where i'm at. happy to be who i am. happy to be alive. happy to be loved by the god of the universe. i somehow lost myself last month and i'm slowly working on finding myself once again. thank god for a glass of wine and a chick flick! and grace...we can't forget that. god is good and so merciful.

can i have a weekend please?

2008-08-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

life. is. crazy. well, at least right now it is. i've been working non-stop and hanging out with new and old friends whenever i have free time. work is good. between the mission and the coffee shop, i'm exhausted though. i haven't had a day off in a month and a half. but, TOMORROW is my day off...it's also known as labor day, so it's most people's day off. the day is so needed.

the month of september is super busy for me. i'm preparing for many visitors and celebrations. this thursday my friend Andy gets here. he's staying for just the weekend. it should be fun since it's my first weekend off in so long, and i'll have good company. next weekend i am supposed to go to vegas with my friend ashley to celebrate our birthdays. and the weekend after that, my entire family is coming to see me and celebrate with me. my dad's and my brother's-in-law birthday are on the 15th, my bday is on the 21st and my sister's bday is on the 27th...so, we're celebrating all of them together when they come out here on the 19th. i'm so excited for my family to see my realm and to understand why i love this place so much.

besides preparing for people to come visit, i've also been juggling people here in SD. for some reason i've had a handful of people interested in me recently. i'm enjoying being single but i'm really trying to decide what i want right now. i don't just want to date around, but at the same time, i'm in no rush to get married. and right now, i'm presented with a lot of different options. i thought i knew what i wanted, but now i'm not sure. i'm just enjoying my time getting to know new people. this is a very fun and exciting time in my life and i am enjoying it thoroughly. i am blessed by so many people and just the opportunity to be out here.

when i look out the window...

2008-08-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

i'm in a really good place right now. this has been a long week, and it's not over yet, but i am loving my life right now. this new job is just what i needed. there are so many things i am thankful for with this job. one of them being its location. not only is it 5 minutes away from me, 5 minutes away from one of my favorite places (balboa park), and not even 5 minutes away from downtown, BUT when i look out the window of our office i see sailboats in the bay. even if i was getting bored with this job, all i'd have to do is look out the window and remember how beautiful this place is.

another thing i love about my job is that i have a balance of being in my office alone and seeing our clients (the homeless). every time i walk downstairs or ride in the elevator, i see someone who WOULD be on the streets if it weren't for the Mission. today when i was walking in, i saw a mother and her two young children. i greeted them with a smile and kept walking. then it dawned on me, those beautiful children would be on the streets if God had not provided the mission for them. it almost brought tears to my eyes just knowing i am taking part in something that really matters. regardless of what my tasks are, big or small, i know that i'm actively working for those who are in need in this city. i feel so blessed.

tonight i am having GNO (girls night out) with my neighbors. it is something they started--once a month we get ready and go out for dinner and drinks. i need this tonight because i've been working so much this week. i work 14 hours tomorrow, so i won't be out too late, but at least i'll be able to kick back for a bit. i work all weekend at the coffee shop (fri., sat., sun.) but saturday night i'm going to a concert with kirsten and i'm pumped. god is good. he is providing all i need and so much more. i finally feel like i'm 'starting' my life after college. it's so hard to find a place once you've crossed over from student/dependent to career/independent. i've found my place for now. ; )

say what?!

2008-08-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

well...today was my first day at the new job. if some of you don't know, i got the job at the San Diego Rescue Mission--the one that i had originally interviewed for when i was still in Nebraska.
i really feel like this is where god wanted me in the first place, but it was all in his timing. i had to trust and come out here and wait patiently for him to provide.

today was good. i am not overwhelmed at all, but i am potentially freaking out about the fact that i might be working 14 hour days with both my jobs now. i love the coffee shop job and don't want to quit, but working 8-5 and then 5-10 every night might get a little obnoxious. i'm going to burn out quickly, not to mention miss the joys of cali, which includes the sunshine. BUT all is good. i am so thankful that i now have two jobs instead of none. i'll be able to pay some of my bills now;)

everyone is super nice at the mission and i feel like my transition into the position is going really smoothly. i start full time on monday already and i just found out that i got the position on tuesday. i fear that since this is an office job, which has a lot of monotony, i might get bored with this. but i also know that this position has a lot of potential growth and it could easily become a career. i eventually want to start my own non-profit so learning the behind the scenes is so important right now.

as for life outside of work, things couldn't be better. i love it here (obviously) and i feel like i'm really thriving. i've been running lately and i'm thinking about running a marathon or half marathon sometime in 2009. i ran 4 miles with Beau the other day. we ran along sunset cliffs/the beach. then yesterday i ran 5 miles. my legs are hurting today but i'm starting to get into a schedule. i might even go tonight. it's kind of becoming my outlet. i might just become a runner after all.

i love my church, i'm growing, i'm learning, i'm meeting new people, and i'm finally making a place for myself. god has blessed me so much. i can tell i'm in his will and i can't wait to see what he has next. i can hardly believe this is my life some days.

clarity

2008-07-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

this weekend has been one of clarity. i feel like god has answered so many questions that were hanging in the air for quite a while. before i talk more about this weekend, let me give you a glimpse of some things that were hanging in the air.

-first of all, my job situation is always hanging in the air, but it was even more so this weekend because i had to make a decision about a nanny position. the position paid well, but they wanted a year commitment and it was a long drive and long hours. i would've been working/driving for about 60 hours a week.
well, on Friday i got a phone call about a job interview and an email about another nanny position that was in my neighborhood. i still was contemplating the first nanny position until sunday.

-second thing hanging in the air was a friendship with a guy who was/is kind of pursuing me. i needed to decide how i felt about that, and him because we had been hanging out for about a month and i just needed to stop being ambiguous about my feelings. well, i figured it out.

the last two weeks have been busy but fantastic. i really love this place and it feels like home. i'm starting to do things on my own that i couldn't before because i didn't have a car. like the other night, i wanted to watch the sunset...so i just got in my car and drove to the ocean and watched the sunset by myself. it was fantastic. i've been running a lot lately too, and i'm finding so much joy in that. i love balboa park and frequent it at least twice a week. i'm very comfortable here, which kind of scares me, but at the same time excites me. i feel like i've finally found my place and i'm loving life right now. not just life, but MY LIFE. this is MY path, and i am so glad god chose this for me.

as for the job situation. i interviewed today with a non-profit org. that deals with kids in the foster care system and other at-risk youth. the interview went well and reminded me of my passion for children and my desire to believe in them. then i got an email from a friend about the position i originally wanted when i was first moving out here. i was so excited just to hear that that position is even open. i feel like god is holding me in his hand just waiting for the right time to set me down in the place he has made for me. i've been in his hand this whole time, and at points i've been discouraged and impatient, but i've never settled. he's asked me to move and i moved. i've cried out to him for a job that i would love and one in which i could make a difference for his kingdom and for the lives of others. he's been so faithful thus far and i know he will continue to be. i wouldn't want to be anywhere else than here right now. the clouds have parted and i can see a blue sky. the sun is about to rise.

boo DMV, yeah San Diego

2008-07-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

i'm not very inspired to write right now since i just spent my entire morning at the DMV, but i will try my hardest to write something exciting.

last time i blogged, it was before kate's wedding. well, the wedding was fantastic and i had a blast with everyone back home. i did, however, feel the way i thought i would about 'home'. as soon as i got on the plane leaving san diego, i wanted to come back. even when i got to nebraska i was ready to turn right around. during the weekend, there were many times where i said to myself, "i love my life right now." watching one of my good friends get married and being back home reminded me that i have made the right choice for my life and i'm exactly where i need to be right now. it was so good to see everyone, but i felt like i had just started life in san diego and had to put it on pause to return to something i knew so well already.

the weekend came to an end quickly and ashley and i left for Cali at 4 am monday morning. we drove all the way through and didn't sleep a flick. once again, i have to admit that i hate Utah. it is so boring, and i never want to drive through that state again. ashley and i weren't delirious until we got to vegas. the 5 hour drive from vegas to san diego seemed like a lifetime. anyways, we got in safely on monday night/tuesday morning. all in all, it was a fabulous road trip. sally, my car, drove wonderfully.

so i've been back for a week, and i'm back into the swing of things. i'm job searching again, which seems to never stop. i have an interview today for a nanny position, which i am excited about. other than that, i have just been working at the coffee shop and walking to balboa park often. i walked there last night and swung on the swings by my lonesome. i haven't been on a swing for a long time. it made me feel youthful.

basically, my life right now is a jumbled mess of good things. i am learning to love this time of uncertainty. it is forcing me to find my identity in christ, since i don't have anything else in which to find it. i'm embracing my adventurous side and loving this new life i've been given. i really couldn't ask for more (except for the DMV to not take up all my time and just give me california license plates without all the paperwork.)

The joys of california living

2008-07-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't written for a while. I feel like I've been very busy. After going to Tijuana a week and a half ago, I've had a really long week. I was sick on and off the whole week, whilst trying to work and preparing for 4th of July. Being sick really frustrated me because I was confined to my bed and I couldn't get anything accomplished. Plus, the weather was gorgeous and I couldn't get out to enjoy it. I didn't even feel good enough to read a book, I just laid there miserably.

Finally after the sickness passed, it was the 4th of July. My friend Kirsten came down to spend the 4th with me and it was SO GOOD to see her. We went to PB in the morning and the OB for the evening (those are both beaches for non-californians). We spent time with new friends and had a very relaxing holiday. Then on Sunday, I had friends from L.A. come down to SD to see me. Robbie and JC, my friends from project three years ago, were here for the afternoon/evening and it was great. JC, Beau (a new friend), and I took a walk through Balboa Park that evening after we ate sushi. I love that I live close enough to walk to Balboa Park. Anyway, it was great. Then I took JC to the airport the next morning early.

Yesterday Annie and I went to Beau's house and ate dinner and then to the beach for a bonfire. We went to a secluded beach and had to climb down a cliff to get there, so it was very adventurous. While we were there, we just sat by the ocean with our fire burning beside us and the sound of the waves beneath us. It hit me at that moment that this is where I live. I could do this every night if I wanted to. I felt very blessed and honored to be in such a beautiful place.

Right now, I am in a very good place I feel--mentally and spiritually. I am loving this time and am growing in Christ. I am very excited to go home for Kate's wedding this weekend, but I'm even more excited to return. I finally feel like I have a place of my own now. After living out of a suitcase for a year, it feels great to have a place like this.

I am stoked for Luke and Kate's wedding this weekend. I'm in it and I know pretty much everyone in the wedding party so it should be a blast. Plus, I get to see so many people whom I love, including my parents. I am not stoked about driving 22 hours back to Cali again. But that's the price I pay for wanting my car out here. Anyway, the point of this post was to say that living in Cali is proving to be so good for my soul. The adventures, the people, the nature are all things bringing me joy. Even though I am struggling STILL to find a full time job and therefore am struggling financially, I trust that this is where God wants me. I am in his will. And that, my friends, overjoys me!

simplicity

2008-07-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

i walked to the grocery store today. i have two grocery stores right behind my house, but i really like trader joes and it is about 12 blocks away. so i slipped on an empty backpack, put my ipod on, and began the trek. there is not a cloud in the sky today, so the sun beamed down on me during my walk.

when i got to trader joes, i grabbed a basket and shopped for yummy, healthy food. then i had a pleasant interaction with the man at the register, who's name was benjamin, and i was on my way out again. with a backpack full of groceries weighing me down, i walked slowly. it suddenly dawned on me that this grocery trip was taking more than an hour. i started smiling. i was reminded of my life in peru and how i learned to slow down and simplify. i love that i now live in a place where i can walk to get groceries. i love that i'm not stocking up, but just getting enough for the day or the week. i love that i can interact with more people because i'm walking and not driving. i love that i know my grocery boy's name. i love that i was able to be out in the sunshine enjoying god's nature. i love that i have time for this. i love that i'm here, and life is simple right now. i'm alive and god is alive in me. life is an act of worship and today i got to worship him by just going to the grocery store.

sicky

2008-06-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

well, i have only been here a month and i've already been sick (without anyone to take care of me). i went to tijuana on saturday with my church to volunteer at the orphanage and it was great. but when i got home i wasn't feeling well so i went to be early. the next day i worked in the morning and could barely make it through work. i came home and slept most of the afternoon. then i tried to go to church (which was not a good idea since i was still feeling like trash). not even half way through church, i got up and went outside to go home since i was feeling so crummy, and i didn't even make it to the car. i puked outside the church in the yard, in front of the only two guys we know at church. how embarrassing!

then i slept most of the day today and then felt well enough to hang out with the neighbors tonight. i love our neighbors. they're fantastic. i feel so blessed to have them here to hang out with--they're becoming like family. we're hanging out with them on the fourth of july, along with my friend kirsten and her roommate. i love meeting new people. i am excited for this weekend. i get to see a lot of people i haven't seen for a while. kirsten is coming up for the fourth and then a couple days later some of my guy friends from project a couple years ago are coming up.

anyway, i was sick, but now i'm better. and i feel a fun week coming on. life is good. i have no complaints.

early birds have reason to chirp

2008-06-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

i've never been a morning person. however, life seems more meaningful when you wake up with the sun. i have worked at a coffee shop for about seven months and that requires waking up at dawn (or before sometimes). i have so much energy when i wake up early. i love working a full morning and getting off at 11 or 12 and having the whole afternoon and evening ahead of you.

i have been setting my alarm earlier and earlier each week. this week my goal was to escape my bed before 9am every day (excluding the days i have to open at the coffee shop anyways). my goal is to find some consistency in the length of my days, therefore creating a fuller life. ha. that sounds funny, but really, you can't LIVE while you're sleeping. i am slowly becoming a morning person. yay!

p.s. i'm working on my book today. i haven't written in so long and i'm pumped and motivated.

tinee-weenee-polkadot-bikini

2008-06-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

i was at the beach today. the sun was out, i was enjoying the sound of the waves crashing below me, and reading a wonderful book (Bridget Jones: edge of reason). i was wearing my favorite swimsuit, reading a book, when suddenly a shadow hovered over my pages and a voice began to speak.

"i like your swimsuit"

without thinking or looking up from my pages, i began to thank the person above me commenting on my girly swimsuit black and white striped with red polkadots and bows on the sides. but, to my surprise, i look up to see a fifty year-old man WEARING my swimsuit. THE EXACT GIRLY SWIMSUIT!

i quickly look back down at my open book, trying hard not to laugh (or scream). the voice starts in again.

"of course it looks much better on you than me."

i force an awkward laugh and thank you out of my jaw-dropped mouth and glance back up at the man. my eyes, unsure where to look, shoot over to my friend beside me who has her nose buried in her book. i have no escape at this moment and there are no words. so i choose to ignore the man in my swimsuit standing above me, blocking my sunshine. i read the same sentence, what feels like, a million times and the man is still standing there. finally he leaves. i whisper to annie what had just occurred and we laugh for the next hour.

the man pulled up a beach towel about 60 feet from us and began to read a book. i wondered if he was, by chance, reading Bridget Jones too.

i had an unforgettably wonderful day here in california today. below you can see the clearly-female bikini that both my friend and i were wearing. i sure am glad i chose that one this morning when i got dressed for the beach...otherwise it wouldn't have been nearly as great of a day as it was.

What to do...

2008-06-18T16:44:00.000-07:00

Right now i am sitting on the stairs outside my apartment enjoying the afternoon sun. these stairs are starting to become one of my favorite places. we live on third floor and the stairs by our door lead to nowhere (a.k.a. the roof). so, i sit on them to catch some rays, have phone conversations, or just to get out of the apartment for a second. it just so happens that i get internet on these stairs too. and, if you climb over the barricade to the roof you can see fireworks at night. it's pretty great.

i'm starting to get established here, little by little. i just started working at the coffee shop across the street from our apartment. the people there are really laidback and hilarious. i think i'll fit in just fine ; ) i also found a great church and have been going to some of their community offerings. last night i went to some guys house, along with thirty-some other people and we talked, sang, and discussed past sunday's sermon. the people there were all really welcoming and genuine. they meet every tuesday and i think i'll get to know people really well through that group. there's also a sunday luncheon for newbies at the church, so i'm going to that too. and, in two weeks i'm going to mexico to volunteer in an orphanage and play with the kiddies.

mexico is 45 minutes away b.t.w.

i really feel god is guiding us during this time of transition. i mean, we got plugged into a church so quickly and we already feel like it's our church home. it's really encouraging.

as for the job search...i am still seeking and not finding. BUT with this coffee shop job i'll be able to get some income and not feel completely worthless...plus i'll get to know people and form a network of some sort. the lord has been really tugging at my heart in many ways since the move. i have had to trust him, and i'm still having to, more than i can ever remember trusting before. i don't know how long it will take me to get a full time job. i don't know how i'm going to pay rent next month. i don't know when i'll establish good friends here. but i do know the lord is good. he brought me here. and i feel him more now than i ever did in NE in the past 6 months.

i am encouraged. and i finally feel like i live here. p.s. we get a couch this weekend. i am so excited! we've been sitting on the floor for 3 weeks. ha. i'm also excited to go home soon and get the rest of my stuff, including my car. our apartment still feels so empty. soon that will change. this process of starting over takes a while. i'm learning how to be patient...really patient.

transition smansition

2008-06-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

right now i live at the beach, at the coffee shop, and on the internet searching for jobs. i am trying so so so hard to love this down time, but it is almost impossible. my mind does not let me rest when i know i don't have a job. i am in constant searching for anything, and nothing turns up.

i read a blog on transition and it talked about two feelings that you experience during transition: elation and sorrow. i experience both daily. i both love and hate this time of my life. i am so excited for new things: friends, jobs, communities, etc. but the uncertainty of this transition can really get to me some days. yesterday was a fantastic day. today was just okay. tomorrow is unknown. i do know one thing...god is drawing me closer each day with this uncertainty.

i found a pretty good church yesterday and i'm excited to get involved. i need to start volunteering somewhere with all this time i have on my hands. that will be my goal this week--to find a place to pour myself into while i wait for a job opportunity. i'm slowly transitioning, but just in the past two days have i realized that this transition has moved from point A to point B. it's crawling, but at least i see movement. i'm slowly meeting people, making my regular places feel like home, and realizing i live in southern california. god's moving my heart in some direction...don't know where it's headed, but i know i'll find purpose in this time when it gets there.

my life is just so very different from my friends' lives right now. i had a conversation with a friend who's getting married the other day and this is how it went.

You: choosing cake decorations
Me: laying at the beach
You: preparing to spend the rest of your life with someone
Me: single and don't know a single man in san diego
You: working a full-time job, stuck
Me: unemployed, a nomad

you get the point. and it went on. i wouldn't change this time for anything. but there are days that i wish it was something else. there are days i wish i was married and settled. but then if that were the case i wouldn't be able to pick up and move across the country...and follow my nomad heart. what i really want is someone to be a nomad with me...permanently. ; )

so today i say, 'transition smansition.'

discouraged but hopeful

2008-06-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

i've been here for a week and two days. i have an apartment that is slowly coming together, but is more than livable. i have been job searching on a daily basis for 9 days (not to mention the 6 months before that). i've gone to the beach twice in the last week. i met a new friend last night. and with all of this, i am still discouraged.

i didn't realize the height of my expectations until i got here. i was thinking, since things were going so slowly in Nebraska, that when i got here things would fall right into place. and quickly. don't get me wrong, we found our apartment quickly and moved in as soon as we could (although it was not quick enough). but this job search is just continuous and relentless. i had an interview a couple days ago and i thought it went really well. then today i got a 'thank you' in the mail from them saying they needed someone with more experience. i just feel so inadequate for everything for which i'm applying. i'm so sick of being rejected.

i know i have a lot to offer. but it's just not in the corporate setting. it's not in making a profit. it's in people. it's in relationships. i need to just be patient and persevere. the problem with patience is that it doesn't pay the bills. and the more patience i have, the quicker my money runs out. god help me, but i'm asking for patience.

the first day of a new week

2008-06-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

well, i have now slept in my new apartment two nights. i spent the whole day at IKEA yesterday buying furniture. i have plans to meet a new friend on wednesday for sushi. and i just officially changed my address with the post office. i live in san diego.

i've technically been here since tuesday morning, but today is the first day that it feels like i am really starting my life here. as i sit in this coffee shop (that is an amazing one block away from my apartment), i have to ask myself how i got here. i know i've been planning this move for a long time, but now that i'm here i almost can't believe it. i've been so stressed out all week with trying to find an apartment, job hunting, furniture shopping, and everything else. now that i can kinda breathe, i realize how excited i really am. there are just so many opportunities here, so many different types of people, and so much to do.

i am so happy with our decision on apartments. annie and i were torn between two very different places: one was a beautiful two bedroom in a kinda-sketchy neighborhood, and the other was a huge one bedroom in an amazing neighborhood 5 minutes away from everything. we went with the one with location and now, i couldn't be happier. we went to dinner the other night three blocks away from our apartment and met a homeless man named Bill. Bill asked for some money outside of the restaurant and instead of giving him money i invited him in for dinner. bill was a little crazy, but he was so thankful and such a delight to be around (for me at least). bill reminded me of why i moved here. i came here for people like him. i came here to be a friend to the nomads. i came here to share dinner with a lonely soul on the street. i came here to be jesus' hands and feet. and now i'm here and i never want to forget what brought me here. i am humbled that god brought me all this way and has blessed me with so much support with my family and friends. i am where i'm supposed to be.

a few things

2008-05-29T17:23:00.001-07:00

1. i'm in san diego.
2. i'm signing a lease on an apartment tomorrow.
3. i'm broke.
4. i'm taking one day at a time.
5. i'm still jobless.
6. i'm still hopeful.
7. i'm pretty darn happy.

to be continued...

two days left

2008-05-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

well, tomorrow is my last day of work. the next day i drive to my parents' house and pack my car up. and the next day i'm on the road to california.

i've done well so far. no fear. no hesitation. no doubt...

until the other day. there was a brief moment where i almost believed what the world thought of my life. i almost believed i was crazy for moving to california with no money, no job, no place to live. but then i realized, faith is not about having plans. faith is about trusting that whatever needs to happen will happen if only i take the first step. if there is one thing i could choose to be known for, it would be my faith. faith in a better life--for me and this world. faith in goodness and truth and purity. faith in love. faith in a king. faith in jesus christ.

god has never failed me. i've made some really weird decisions based on faith, and they've always brought me to a better place. fear is not really a word in my vocabulary and i'm not sure how i became that way, but i am thankful. i'm thankful that i don't have to fear a life of monotony. i am thankful i don't have to fear failure because i've already won. i am thankful that i don't have to fear death. the only thing i fear is a life full of regrets and a mind full of memories from a safety zone.

so with two days left and no plans set, i fear nothing.
'if god is for us, who can be against us'

the after-vacation blues

2008-05-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

well, i got home yesterday from my sister's wedding in antigua. we were 17 degrees north of the equator and i got a pretty good tan. it was a crazy week--one i will probably never forget, but i am now exhausted. the wedding was beautiful and it was so good to spend time with my wonderful family.

now one day back into reality, i am semi-depressed. you know that dreadful time after vacation that everyone has? well, i have it right now. i'm stressed out because i have to find an apartment in san diego before i move...but that's hard to do when i'm not there. so i'm taking a huge leap of faith and just going--probably without an apartment. we have a place we could stay for a short while but i don't wanna put her out, so i'd rather have something set up when we got there.

i'm trying not to stress out but money is just so tight and i have no definite plans so i'm just throwing myself into the ocean, hoping not to drown. i am, however, excited to jump in and see where the tide takes me.

i didn't really get to spend much time with god while i was on vacation...which was disappointing but my own fault. i can't believe how much my spiritual life fluctuates depending on the people i am around. i'm ready to find a community in which i can thrive and be encouraged. so now i am working on moving forward with the lord and seeking his will for my life--even if it doesn't make sense. at this point, i don't even feel like i'm making sense. these ramblings come from a tired mind. i will blog later this week about things i learned on my trip. right now, i just need sleep.

simply wonderful

2008-04-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

the sunshine brought me outside today. i had about 20 minutes to chill before i met with a friend for dinner so i decided to take my camera to the park.

i just sat and enjoyed the beauty of nature and the simple joy i received by just being in it. above are some of the pictures i took. after a conversation about simplicity at dinner, drew and i climbed up on top of his roof and watched the sun set.

as i sat there on a rooftop in downtown lincoln, i felt at peace and simple. i didn't feel like i was in lincoln. in fact, i didn't feel like i was anywhere...i was just simply there. sometimes we must just exist. just breathe. just be.

so tonight, as i enjoyed nature and human nature, i found contentment in just being alive. i had no worries, no concerns, no hopes. i just observed. it was simply wonderful.

sha la la la la

2008-04-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

i'm in a good place right now. i can feel this transition period coming to an end and i know i am about to thrive. i leave for my sister's wedding on friday and i'm super excited. for months i've been using my sister's wedding as the break in my timeline. i've said, 'i'm sticking around NE until my sister gets married and then i'm off to start my life.'

i feel god preparing me for a really exciting time ahead. first off, i feel him drawing near to me as i draw near to him. i'm craving time with him and finding it super easy to just be in his presence. i'm ready to take this next step of life. i have a couple options right now. i could join student staff for summer in the city--L.A. and spend a month in L.A. and then move to san diego. or, i could go right to san diego and start job hunting while i'm hopefully working part time at a store (where i have connections with the manager). if i go to LA for a month, i need to raise $800-$1,000 in support. for some reason i feel like god is leading me more towards this. that way i could be in LA growing and learning and be able to travel to san diego on the weekends to search for apartments. i feel like this option would be an easier transition for me and it would be exactly what i need to decide what i want to do with my immediate future.

i know i want a job working with the poor. whether that means working directly with them at a homeless shelter, or working behind the scenes at a non-profit. i just know that is where my heart is and i can't ignore that. i want to be an advocate for the poor and oppressed and i'm not sure exactly how to do that. i am sure, however, that god will show me the way.

i am confident that in taking this step of faith, the lord will not leave me to fall on my face. i trust he will be there providing for me and speaking to me, even if it's not easy. i'm just ready. so, i'm going and i couldn't be more excited.

a new day

2008-04-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

today was a new day, a fresh start. last night i cried for the first time in 4 months...well, since the day i left peru. it was a much-needed cry. it wasn't because i didn't get the job (that was only part of it), but it was because i felt neglected and trapped. i realized this is something i do to myself. being a strong, independent woman, i sometimes give off the vibe that i don't need help (or pray, or conversation, or whatever). i do things all on my own, and then after a while...it just gets old. i get lonely and complain about no one caring or investing in me. when really, i didn't ask anyone to.

the funny thing is, as i cried out to god last night, complaining that i have no one thinking about me, he heard my cry louder than ever. today i got multiple messages and phone calls of people just plain 'thinking about me'. i felt loved today. plus it was a sunny day and i ran outside around the lake again. then i sat on a picnic table and read my bible and wrote. it couldn't have been more peaceful. it was apparent people were praying for me today and god was watchin' out.

Psalm 31 really spoke to me today. here's a couple verses to leave you with.
"Love the Lord, all you faithful ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes all who are arrogant. So be strong and take courage, all you who put your hope in the Lord." (v.23-24)

where to go from here...

2008-04-21T20:37:00.001-07:00

well, today was a sad day. i found out i did not get the job i was waiting on. they were deciding between me and one other girl and they got really busy so they hired the other girl because she already lives in san diego. not gonna lie, i'm kinda heart broken and bitter right now.

i thought for so long that this was my 'out' and that god had placed this job in front of me because it was perfect for me. i was confident that the lord would provide but now i'm just really discouraged. i'm just SO READY to get out and start life on my own and i feel like i keep getting set back. i know this is still a transition time but i just don't know how much longer i can handle 'transition'. i want so badly to be in a new community where i thrive, where i have a job that i love, and i'm helping people. i thought this job would be a great start for all those things, and now i feel like i just have to settle. i hate settling. i'm not gonna wait forever though...i'm just gonna go.

i decided, i'm moving at the end of may regardless of if i have a job or not. if i need to take out a loan or whatever, i will. but i have to get out of here. it's just time.

i've felt called to california for so long so what am i waiting for? clearly no one is going to hire me while i'm here in nebraska, so i'm just going. that's it. my friend told me today, 'sometimes god wants us to do things that don't make sense; that's the first step.' well, that's just what i'm gonna do. i'm going whether it's financially smart or not. i can't wait here forever, and i can't work at a coffee shop forever. i need to do what i'm passionate about and frankly, i'm sick of waiting.

this blog is getting a little long but this is my vent session so there's no telling when it will stop. it's just so hard right now because everyone has something and i feel like i've got nothing. for example, everyone around me is defined by what they are: a student, a wife, a mother, a banker, an artist, a fiance, a teacher, etc.

but right now i am defined by nothing. all i have going for me is that i'm a college graduate...and look how far that has gotten me. i'm just ready, and i feel like god keeps saying 'no'. it's so frustrating. i don't know where to go from here.

embracing this day

2008-04-18T15:03:00.001-07:00

well, actually i'm embracing a new hairdo mostly. thought i'd go a little crazy, so this is the first step of the craziness. and i love it.

today is my day off and i've been preparing for sunday and working on my book. i don't know what it is about a day off when you haven't had one in a long while, but it allows you to do whatever you want and not feel guilty even one bit. for example...i think i slept a full 12 hours, and didn't even remotely feel worthless.

days off allow me to slow down and look around. i can embrace the life i have right now and i love that. i'm continually in this transition stage, but i'm more than fine with it. i'm single. i'm free to make my own choices. and i am my own person. i'm slowly falling more in love with god in this transition period because i have to learn to trust him since i have NO idea what is next. as i wait for an answer about this job in cali, i feel more relaxed about it every day.

each day brings new possibilities, but days off bring even more possibilities and i love that. i've been writing about innocence today in my book, and oddly, i feel pretty innocent today. i feel like god's child more today than i did yesterday--maybe it's because i've had less responsibility today on my day off. i don't know, but at this very moment i love my life. i have nothing to complain about. even though the sun doesn't shine on my day off, i can still find joy. even though i work tomorrow, i can still enjoy this very moment. i think this contentment is known as god's presence. i can't explain it any other way.

i have hope of a great future, yet, i don't really think of the future, but of right now. these ramblings might not make any sense but this is the lesson i am learning in life right now--contentment on a day-to-day basis.

just can't do it

2008-04-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

i have been asked to speak at church this coming sunday. i'm supposed to talk about what god taught me while i was in peru and the life-changing experience i've had. i said yes of course, but as i prepare to talk, i am speechless.

i'm going through my journals, searching for something...a theme, a lesson, a cry of my heart. but the harder i try to process and try to find something to say, the more i realize i never processed in the first place. my mind just can't do it. it's too hard to process. i don't know if it's because i had such a hard time there and my mind is wanting to repress those memories or if i have neglected the process of processing after coming home from something like this.

i feel like the world issues i have to deal with when processing (poverty, justice, solidarity, etc.) are just too hard for me right now. how do you force yourself to think about something you just don't want to think about?

i think it's hard to ponder these things because of the place i'm in right now. i'm in a transition phase and i have yet to invest in activities or groups that allow me to act on these world issues because i'm about to leave again. i feel like a constant nomad. and until i find a place or community to call my home, i'm hesitant to invest and make a move in advocating for the poor. is that terrible? am i being super selfish right now because i'm trying to figure out where and what before i speak? maybe i'm waiting and i shouldn't be. who knows!

friends

2008-04-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

i just want to write right now, and sense i feel today's topic in life is friends, that's just what i'll write about.

i watched a video of my friends in peru and it made me miss them terribly. then i talked to my dear friend erin, whom i haven't talked to in months. then i spent time with my friends at work. and, of course, i have been at home with my bestest, jenna, all day. not to mention, went to a movie with jen and annie last night (the two friends i see the most). oh, and i talked to my dearest ashley yesterday. i am so very blessed by all of these friendships. i don't think there's ever been a time in my life where i've had so many great girlfriends. i love that the older i get, the more girlfriends i get. this used to not be the case.

i still have lots of guy friends, but i always had to deal with the fact that when i was seriously dating someone those guy friends couldn't be as close. i also had to realize that when marriage comes, my guy friends will have to disappear as close friends and become distant acquaintances. so, with all this said, the older i get, the more i appreciate my girlfriends and the long-lasting relationships they are and will continue to be.

it is great to love and be loved--even if it is just by friends. i feel blessed today.

'stop-loss'

2008-04-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

i just came from the movie 'stop-loss' and i am overwhelmed with emotion. the movie is about a soldier who wants out of the war but is forced to return to iraq anyway. i won't give anything away, just in case someone wants to see it, but i will tell you it's a really hard movie to watch.

for me, it is hard to take interest in the war since it's A) not here in the states, and B) lasting so long. i forget that there are soldiers fighting and dying for our freedom every day. this movie reminded me how sad the whole situation is. i just cried the whole second half of the movie, watching the results and complications from the war in the lives of these men. mentally, these soldiers are a mess--which is expected, and physically, some of them are torn apart (literally). i know this is no surprise because these are just the facts of war, but it is so sad. i can't imagine having to kill someone in order to not be killed yourself. i can't imagine trying to deal with all the sights of bloody war. and, at this point, i can't even imagine having a close friend or family member who has been to war. their experience takes a toll on every relationship they have.

my heart longs for peace. this war makes me really sad, and i hurt for the family members with soldiers over in iraq right now. i hurt for those who are back and dealing with their issues now. even more, beyond the war in iraq, i hurt for those in conflict all over the globe. the children in uganda who have been, and still are, child soldiers. the people of rwanda dealing with the genocide in the 90's still. and so many more.

how do we help this world find peace? i don't know that answer, but i do know peace comes on an individual basis. we must lead one person at a time to the prince of peace because, god knows, we can't give someone peace. they must find it on their own. and the only source of peace i know is named jesus. i want this world to be a better place for future generations, so my prayer today is that i'll do my best to bring peace to the lives affected by my life.

before i end this post, i want to say thank you to the men and women who willingly choose to go into war for a bigger cause. i pray they would be brought back home unharmed. i pray this war would come to an end.

cucumbers and lettuce

2008-04-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

thought you'd like a story.

as some of you may know, i work at a coffee shop. this coffee shop is also attached to a sandwich shop, so we sell coffee and sandwiches. today some lady ordered a sandwich in the drive thru. she wanted cucumbers and lettuce. i repeated the sandwich and asked her 3 times if she wanted anything MORE on the cucumber/lettuce sandwich. the answer...no.

so when she gets to the window, she tells me our turning radius on the drive thru isn't right and the speaker is too far away. she states, "it's a construction problem." i thank her, hand her her cucumber/lettuce sandwich and send her on her way.

a good 40 minutes pass and a voice on the drive thru says, "yeah, i was just here and i ordered a tuna sandwich with cucumbers and lettuce, but there's no tuna."

as we laugh behind the counter at the cucumber/lettuce lady who wanted us to read her mind and put tuna on the sandwich, we make a new one. i give her the sandwich and apologize, and guess what she does...

she gives me a TIP!

well okay then. story over. now, on to more important things. i'm still waiting to hear about this job in cali. i interviewed twice and i've been in correspondence with them for about a month now. she said we'll make a decision 'soon', but i'm not sure what soon is. so again, my life is kinda on hold. i've been working so much lately that i haven't really had time for my writing. friday is my day off and the rest of this week i have some afternoons off, so i'm excited to work on my book. i'm becoming inspired by my daily encounters with people at the coffee shop, so it will help my writing. okay, i have an early morning coffee call so i'm out. i think i'll have a tuna salad sandwich with lots of lettuce and cucumbers tomorrow--hold the tuna.

sunny sunday

2008-04-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

sunny sunday. it's sunday. church was good. my friends and i are are goofy today. because the sun is out, i am reminded of sunny sundays in peru. all of these things make me very happy.

it's been a weird week, but now i feel the newness of sunday morning washing away my past week and bringing me a fresh one. last week i failed to do things i love--one of them being my writing, another being spending time with god. this week i vow to do only things i want and love to do, claiming them as god's and finding joy in that.

as i wait for an answer about this job, i realize that if i am offered the job, i only have 3 weekends left here. it all seems really fast if that's the case, but i'm really ready. so as i play the waiting game, my hope is that i soak up this time. this time of familiarity, time of friendship, and time of rest. although i am excited about a new adventure, i don't want to write off this time that i am here. so today i am thankful for all the things i am so familiar with and all the people that have been in my life for so long. i hope they all have a sunny sunday too.

april fools!

2008-04-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

i was awaken this morning by a text message from my sister that read:

'The wedding's off! Call me.'

rubbing my eyes, and trying to figure out what could have happened between last night and this morning that the wedding would be off, i dialed her number.
she answered the phone, "April fools!"

nice. i have to give it to her--it was probably the best joke i've heard out of her mouth in a while. you see, she's the queen of cheesy, so this one was pretty good.

all in all, my day has been a pretty entertaining one, and it's far from over. i'm sitting at the mill right now and there is the cutest old grandma sitting next to me. she's probably 75, she has a black sweatsuit on and a cute coach purse. the best thing is, she's listening to her mp3 player and doing a crossword, whilst dancing. i love it!

then, to top off my Mill experience, a boy who was sitting across from me when i came in earlier, pulled some hilarious stunt--or was it? he had been sitting across from me for maybe the first 30 minutes of my time here. we hadn't made eye contact once...not once. i took a phone call and was on my computer the rest of the time. he stands up, grabs his stuff and walks over to me. this was our conversation--no joke:

'Excuse me' him
'Yes' me
'I was, um, won...wondering if, um, I cou...could take you out fo...for dinner sometime. (Breath) Wow, that was a lot of stuttering.'
Me, (not knowing how to respond since i didn't even know this kid's name) 'Well, I'm actually planning on moving, but I'm here a lot so maybe next time we're here we can sit and talk.'
'Oh, well can I have your number then?' him (bold as ever)
Me, (still not knowing where the heck this kid came from) 'Well, I typically don't give my phone number out so soon...'
Him, interrupting, 'Then can i give you mine?'
Me, (feeling sorry for the kid), 'Sure, what is it?'

THEN, to end the awkwardness, we shake hands, exchange names, and he walks away. and don't let me forget to mention the silent roomful of people listening to this awkward encounter, trying to hold back laughter.

at any point in that conversation, an 'April fools' could have been added and i would have fallen out of my chair onto the floor, nearly dying of laughter. however, i'm still waiting for the 'April fools'. guess i should be flattered, right? oh, life. how fun.

rainy day

2008-03-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

it rained all night last night, and it's a gloomy, drizzly day today. i'd say i hate this weather because typically i do, but i can't hate it when i know what comes next. i know that a rainy day in the beginning of spring is sure to bring greenness--green grass, green trees, green flowing hills. not to mention, new life. flowers are already starting to bloom and my heart skips a beat each time i see them open just a little more. the thing is, before the beauty of spring must come the ugly preparation and waiting period.

this season is my life right now. i'm living out the rainy days the best i can while i wait for something beautiful. i'm still waiting for answers on my dream job. i'm still waiting for a date that i'll be moving out to Cali. i'm still waiting for this temporary period back in NE to end. the thing that keeps me going is knowing what comes next. knowing that the lord will bring greenness and new life to this ever-waiting life of mine. i have faith that the rain has a purpose, and without it, the green just wouldn't be as green. so on this rainy spring day, i will embrace the clouds for i know the sun lies not far behind them. i know new life, a fresh start, is on its way.

spring and summer are on their way...

2008-03-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

i can't wait for...
-rainbows after a storm
-ice cold water after a run
-porch swings
-the smell of fresh-cut grass
-fireworks
-rolled-down windows in my car
-permanent sunglass-wearing
-fresh fruit
-flip flops
-skirts
-the weather, and ability, to hand wash my car
-ice cream cones filled with mint-chip ice cream, being eaten while on a walk with a dear friend
-the stars
-reading books outside on the grass
-smiling at people for no reason
-fans
-colorful flowers
-new life
-iced coffee outside
-trampolines
-sand between my toes
-juice
-sunrise, sunset...the sun. period.

i used to be a fall person, one who loved cool weather and embraced winter when it came slowly. but now i'm finding a love for all seasons. (especially after being in winter for 6 months out of the year--in peru and in the states) it's time for some sunshine in my life. i'm ready for new life, new love, a new season. i'm ready to flourish.

Psalm 33

2008-03-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

this psalm has been returning to me a lot recently. instead of telling you how i feel about it, i'll let you read it's powerful words yourself. it just lets me rest in the fact that the lord is the only one who can save me in this crazy world. he's the only one who understands and the only one in whom i can trust.

v.1 "Let the godly sing with joy to the Lord, for it is fitting to praise him.
Praise the Lord with melodies on the lyre; make music for him on the ten-stringed harp.
Sing new songs of praise to him; play skillfully on the harp and sing with joy.
FOR THE WORD OF THE LORD HOLDS TRUE, AND EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WORTHY OF OUR TRUST.
He loves whatever is JUST AND GOOD, and his unfailing love fills the earth.
The Lord merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born.
He gave the sea its boundaries and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs.
Let everyone in the world fear the Lord, and let everyone stand in awe of him.
For when he spoke, the world began! It appeared at his command.
The Lord shatters the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes.
But the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken.
What joy for the nation whose God is the Lord, whose people he has chosen for his own.
THE LORD LOOKS DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND SEES THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE.
From his throne he observes all who live on the earth.
HE MADE THEIR HEARTS, SO HE UNDERSTANDS EVERYTHING THEY DO.
The best-equipped army cannot save a king, nor is great strength enough to save a warrior.
Don't count on your warhorse to give you victory--for all its strength, it cannot save you.
But the Lord watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailing love.
He rescues them from death and keeps them alive in times of famine.
WE DEPEND ON THE LORD ALONE TO SAVE US. Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in his holy name.
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, FOR OUR HOPE IS IN YOU ALONE."

i trust in him alone.