falling apart...

possibly some shocking news to some of you...
1. i'm moving to minnesota
2. in like a month
3. everything is falling apart

about two weeks ago, i visited john piper's school (bethlehem college and seminary) in minneapolis. for quite some time now i have been praying about going back to school for biblical studies. i knew the lord was leading me in that direction but i did not know exactly when. well, i loved it and now i'm going next semester. once again, i'm picking up and moving across the country with no place to live and no job. not the smartest decision in the world's eyes, but who says i am of this world?

since the lord confirmed that is where i am to be and i have started to take steps toward it (i.e. quitting my job, finding someone to live in my room, etc.), i have been attacked. i knew that this was coming. i know that when you follow the lord you are more susceptible to attack, but there has been some low blows lately. i guess i forgot how much worse it has to get before it gets better.

for starters, the week i returned home we had a major roommate issue, causing us great difficulty in paying november rent. then i got food poisoning and threw up more than i ever have before in my entire life. then there was work drama (which is still not resolved) that i must deal with on a daily basis. then my iPod broke--the week of my race (yay for running 13.1 miles without music!). then to top it all off, my computer crashed on me today. i don't think i'll be able to recover anything.

so, today as i evaluated a few things, i realized i am EXACTLY where i'm supposed to be. it just so happens that i am reading Job in the midst of all this as well as doing a bible study on joseph and him being sold into slavery, betrayed and thrown into jail, etc., etc.
is this a coincidence? no. it is the absolute providence of god. the lord is allowing these things to happen to me so i will be refined in the fire. i'm overwhelmed with all of this, not to mention uprooting and moving to a foreign place, yet i am overjoyed in knowing this is the will of the lord.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed...So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."
1 Peter 4:12-13, 19

i will rejoice.

dear eggnog latte, you stole my heart.

kid you not.
i was driving to work this morning and i saw a lady walking down the street with a coffee cup in her hand. i had to do a double take because it looked like the holiday cups from starbucks. just the other day, i was wondering when the festive decor would come out...i knew it was soon. so, i rolled up to the stoplight and examined the woman's up. indeed it was the starbucks holiday cup!

thought #1: oh yay, it's almost christmas time!
thought #2: oh my gosh, this means eggnog lattes might be available!

in my excitement, i pressed on. when i got to work, a friend of mine was on the way out the door to the post office. i frequent that post office and know that there is a starbucks right beside it...SO, i kindly asked her if she would stop by for me. then i did it, i requested an eggnog latte, still not knowing if it was available yet. i even told her a back-up drink just in case they weren't there.

in my meeting i was distracted every time someone walked down the hallway. i thought it could by my co-worker arriving with the 'goods'. well, she got there. she set my drink on the table in front of me, and i just assumed by her facial expression that it was not the treasured drink. so i said, "they didn't have them then?"

she nonchalantly said, "no, they did." and i quickly drank to my hearts delight. just as good as i had remembered! i had only waited 360 or so days for this. my day was off to a delightful start. thank the lord for eggnog lattes. and thank the lord they are only available 2 months out of the year. otherwise, i would be concerned about my health, not to mention the idolatry that comes with loving a drink this much.
*don't worry, jesus is still my number one :)

homeless pigeons

every morning, i walk through our 'courtyard' to get to my office. every morning, i see pigeons eating away at the dirty food on the courtyard floor. and every morning, i think about the night before. you see, each night we have between 60-75 women and children packed in that courtyard, waiting to get a warm meal, a shower, and a place to lay their heads. it breaks my heart. but the point of this story is not that--this morning i saw the same pigeon i always see. he's dirty and broken, just like many of the people here. he's missing a foot--literally. where his foot should be is a stub instead. so mr. pigeon wobbles around eating the left-over food from the night before. it's sad.

although this may be a long-shot, i think this pigeon is homeless and finds comfort in living at a homeless shelter. (i promise you, he really does live here--i see him every day). so my thought is not profound, nor is it spiritual this morning; i just thought you'd like to know pigeons can be homeless too.

the end.

Tears in a bottle

She sobbed with her head in her hands. Looking up at her two-year-old, she smiled. Cece ran quickly to her mother, and standing on her small tippy-toes, she reached to wipe the tear from her face. A two-year-old wiping tears from her mother's face...it's enough to bring tears to your own eyes. I can only imagine what was going through Cece's mind as she wiped those tears away. "Mama, be happy--i can't bear to see you sad." As her mother is most likely Cece's source of joy, what kind of impact does it have on her to see her beloved mom the opposite of joyful?

As I witnessed this account today at work, I was on the verge of tears myself. However, it forced me to think on our tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Where do they all go? With each tear comes so much emotion, passion, frustration, excitement...One tear may be a spring time rain drop. Another tear may be the Pacific Ocean. Each one has meaning. Each one has a name. Not one is wasted.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

There they are--filling up a large bottle held by the perfect hands of a King. The keeper of our tears is also the lover of our souls. A God who cares enough to keep track of each one of our tears surely deserves our whole hearts.

Our tears are not wasted. We are loved by the God of the Universe. And one day, when we get home, we will take our bottles--full to the brim--and pour them out as a love offering upon the feet of our Savior.

falling into fall

oh, fall, how i love you!

the cool weather has suddenly interrupted summer in san diego. last week, i was sweating in my house with all the windows and doors open. this week, i am cuddled up with sweatpants and socks (you know it is cold when you wear socks in san diego) with all the windows and doors closed. the abrupt change is welcome.

so, not only is the weather falling into fall, but, literally, i am too. i fell 13,000 feet on sunday. well...technically i only fell 7,000 feet and floated with a parachute for 5,000 more until my feet gently hit the ground. YES, I WENT SKYDIVING!

it was amazing and i would suggest it to all. i went with my sister and brother-in-law and we had so much fun. i'm starting to find out more about myself as i put myself in different situations. skydiving revealed to me how ABnormal i am when it comes to outrageous activities. i was not scared at all. in fact, the only nervousness i experienced was when i was signing a 29 page document stating "I WILL NOT SUE IF I BECOME INJURED OR DIE". but that nervousness passed quickly after i realized each paragraph said the same thing: 'don't die and don't sue'.

but in all honesty, i embraced the experience with all that i had. it took me a while to figure out why i was not fearful. then i realized that because i am not afraid of death, i have no reason to freak out when jumping out of a plane. my love for the lord is so much stronger than my love for life, so to die is gain and to live is christ.

p.s. i miss the leaves. sad day, southern california.

birthday bash

this truly has turned out to be a month of celebration. i have been celebrating my bday for almost 2 weeks now and it will continue into next weekend. i am about to list all that i have done...and then i will elaborate :)

1. a concert and dancing
2. manicure and pedicure with a dear friend
3. dessert and drinks night with all my friends...just for me
4. a day at the spa, full-body massage included
5. Sea World and dinner with a friend and my 9-month-old boyfriend :)
6. free prime-rib at the Boathouse restaurant
7. Grey's Anatomy premiere party with the girls
8. a live music house show and wine and snacks at my house
9. coffee and breakfast with a dear friend/roommate
10.TO COME...boating in the bay, dinner downtown, and skydiving ALL with my sister and brother-in-law

now, i'm not sure if any of you know this, but i've had a series of terrible birthdays in the past...at least up until my 23rd when i was in peru. so, now that the last couple of birthdays have been so great, i'm learning to love growing older. this birthday was so relaxing. i felt very loved and appreciated. the lord really blessed me, and continues to bless me with the relationships that i have formed here and continue to form. i feel the lord is using me and speaking to me daily and i love where i'm at. i am content where he has me right now.

with that said, i must admit i did not feel this way a few weeks ago. i was freaking out about turning 25--you know, the typical evaluate-your-life-and-base-it-on-your-childhood-desires syndrome. i thought, just like everyone else, that i would be married, with children and career at 25--well established. guess what??? i'm now 25 and still lack all of these things, BUT i would have it no other way. as long as i'm drawing closer to the lord each day, i consider it success. i love the life i have in christ, even if in the world's eyes it doesn't look like much :)

i'm dating myself

today i did something i've never done before--i took myself on a date...ALL DAY LONG. i was alone from beginning to end. i woke up, cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and my room. then i took a shower and got ready for the day. i stopped by a couple shops on my way to the car wash (since my once white car was filthy brown). i bought a cute shirt for the purpose of kicking off fall (it's flannel), and then i cleaned out and washed my car. by this time it was 2 pm and i hadn't talked to a single person yet.

i drove to the bay and watched the sailboats get kicked around by the waves. i just listened the the waves crash as i sat on my cozy little rock. this is one of my secret places in san diego...i go there to get inspiration. after a while of silence, i laid my towel out on the grass and began to read psalm 119. since april i have been periodically studying and writing on psalm 119. so today, i picked up right where i left off. it's been such a long time since i wrote last and it felt so good today. god began to soften my heart as the day went on.

after i left the bay, i picked up a burrito and ran home to check movie times. i have been dying to see the new tyler perry movie and i knew it came out this weekend. so after realizing i had spent the whole day alone, i thought about going to the movie by myself as well. i've never done that before. some may think it is strange, but i felt liberated by the fact that i could go to a movie by myself with no shame. so i did it. and it was great.

the movie is called 'i can do bad all by myself' and it is a really great story. tyler perry is my favorite artist and all of his stuff really hits home for me. i was brought to tears multiple times in this movie (it was definitely a good one to see alone).

so, i took myself on a date today, but i was really never alone. i never am. the lord is forever my best friend and his presence is heavy on me these days. i think that is why i have such security in being alone right now. although it gets lonely often, i remind myself on days like today, it will not always be this way...one day i will have a husband and children and will rarely be alone. but until then i'm embracing it, i guess.