things are never as they seem. there's always something deeper...something more than meets the eye (or heart). we, as human beings, can be so easily mislead and deceived. i have been deceived. i have been angry with myself the last couple of days because i let myself see things only skin-deep. if only i would have looked deeper--investigated. but the bible says the heart IS deceiving, and since i often lead with my heart, i am now learning how it fails me sometimes.
it boggles my mind how people can live a lie so easily. as i've grown into myself, into who the lord has made me, i've learned to drop my disguises because i can no longer be anybody but me. it's really hard for me NOT to wear my heart on my sleeve. because i let people in so quickly, i also get hurt more easily. i could be bitter about this and shut down, but then i remember the fruit that comes from being vulnerable and loving. i look at jesus' life and see how he got hurt time and time again...and even how we continue to hurt him day in and day out as we sin. did he ever shut down? no. never. he was always loving. always speaking truth. always trusting that true love would conquer all. true love would take away all the hurt. his soft grace and gentle spirit broke down so many walls. oh, how i long to be just like that.
although my heart was deceived, my spirit is still willing. i long to love without deception here on earth, but for now, i remind myself that the love that comes from my lord is unfathomably true and more than enough. HE is more than enough for me.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
a new season...
the seasons are changing. as the sun sets a little quicker and the wind bites a little harder, i can feel a change creeping up. yesterday i turned 24. today i decided i was moving into a bigger apartment. my life is quickly moving into a new season as well.
i've been here in cali for about a full four months. i have a steady job, well two actually. i have a church community. i have new friends. and i'm ready to start settling in. i've been living in a one bedroom apartment with a friend, and it's been perfect. but now that i can afford my own room and i have a future here in san diego, i am ready to settle into some place i can call home. this one bedroom apartment has served its purpose and now it's time to move into some place where i can buy furniture, paint the walls, and put a welcome home mat on the front step. as i close this time of transition and move into a more permanent time, i can't help but think of how faithful god has been to me. he has provided me with all of this...support from my family to up and move to cali, an apartment in an abrupt week, a job (after much searching), and new friends. i feel so blessed to be in this place.
my desire right now is to live in a community house. i really want to live with 4 or so people and form a little family of our own. i want a place where we can eat together and cry together and laugh together. i want to live communally. life is not meant to live alone and i think community is worth all the pain that it sometimes creates. i've said this before...especially while i was in peru...community is hard but it's so worth fighting for. i want a community. (and my own room) ;)
i've been here in cali for about a full four months. i have a steady job, well two actually. i have a church community. i have new friends. and i'm ready to start settling in. i've been living in a one bedroom apartment with a friend, and it's been perfect. but now that i can afford my own room and i have a future here in san diego, i am ready to settle into some place i can call home. this one bedroom apartment has served its purpose and now it's time to move into some place where i can buy furniture, paint the walls, and put a welcome home mat on the front step. as i close this time of transition and move into a more permanent time, i can't help but think of how faithful god has been to me. he has provided me with all of this...support from my family to up and move to cali, an apartment in an abrupt week, a job (after much searching), and new friends. i feel so blessed to be in this place.
my desire right now is to live in a community house. i really want to live with 4 or so people and form a little family of our own. i want a place where we can eat together and cry together and laugh together. i want to live communally. life is not meant to live alone and i think community is worth all the pain that it sometimes creates. i've said this before...especially while i was in peru...community is hard but it's so worth fighting for. i want a community. (and my own room) ;)
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
leave it up to a glass of wine and a chick flick
i had a great day today. i'm finally feeling like myself again. my head was not as clouded as it has been lately. i've been playing catch-up at work since i was sick last week and i've been really stressed out. today i got a lot done and was able to relax a bit. tonight was a very good night for me. i had dinner and wine with my best friend jenna. we sat and talked, and it was quiet and peaceful. i have needed a break from people this week, so it was good just to 'be'. then we grabbed chai and went to a girly movie--Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
the movie was good. it made me so thankful for my girlfriends. as i get older and my friends (both guys and girls) get married, i am realizing how crucial girlfriends are. you can't have guy friends when you get married so it's really important to invest in relationships with the same sex because those relationships remain. i am so blessed to have the friends i have.
after a long, frustrating weekend, tonight was just what i needed. this weekend didn't go quite as planned and it really opened my eyes to a lot. i felt my desperate need for god this weekend. i was reminded that i can only find satisfaction in him. after being so busy for so long, i was forced to slow down this weekend. i realized that i had stopped doing things i love...like running, writing, spending time in deep conversation, reading, etc. it was good to just slow down and re-evaluate my life right now. because i had gotten so busy, i was quickly becoming an unhappy person. but tonight, at many points, i was just deeply satisfied. through out dinner and the movie i was just plain happy. happy to be where i'm at. happy to be who i am. happy to be alive. happy to be loved by the god of the universe. i somehow lost myself last month and i'm slowly working on finding myself once again. thank god for a glass of wine and a chick flick! and grace...we can't forget that. god is good and so merciful.
the movie was good. it made me so thankful for my girlfriends. as i get older and my friends (both guys and girls) get married, i am realizing how crucial girlfriends are. you can't have guy friends when you get married so it's really important to invest in relationships with the same sex because those relationships remain. i am so blessed to have the friends i have.
after a long, frustrating weekend, tonight was just what i needed. this weekend didn't go quite as planned and it really opened my eyes to a lot. i felt my desperate need for god this weekend. i was reminded that i can only find satisfaction in him. after being so busy for so long, i was forced to slow down this weekend. i realized that i had stopped doing things i love...like running, writing, spending time in deep conversation, reading, etc. it was good to just slow down and re-evaluate my life right now. because i had gotten so busy, i was quickly becoming an unhappy person. but tonight, at many points, i was just deeply satisfied. through out dinner and the movie i was just plain happy. happy to be where i'm at. happy to be who i am. happy to be alive. happy to be loved by the god of the universe. i somehow lost myself last month and i'm slowly working on finding myself once again. thank god for a glass of wine and a chick flick! and grace...we can't forget that. god is good and so merciful.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
can i have a weekend please?
life. is. crazy. well, at least right now it is. i've been working non-stop and hanging out with new and old friends whenever i have free time. work is good. between the mission and the coffee shop, i'm exhausted though. i haven't had a day off in a month and a half. but, TOMORROW is my day off...it's also known as labor day, so it's most people's day off. the day is so needed.
the month of september is super busy for me. i'm preparing for many visitors and celebrations. this thursday my friend Andy gets here. he's staying for just the weekend. it should be fun since it's my first weekend off in so long, and i'll have good company. next weekend i am supposed to go to vegas with my friend ashley to celebrate our birthdays. and the weekend after that, my entire family is coming to see me and celebrate with me. my dad's and my brother's-in-law birthday are on the 15th, my bday is on the 21st and my sister's bday is on the 27th...so, we're celebrating all of them together when they come out here on the 19th. i'm so excited for my family to see my realm and to understand why i love this place so much.
besides preparing for people to come visit, i've also been juggling people here in SD. for some reason i've had a handful of people interested in me recently. i'm enjoying being single but i'm really trying to decide what i want right now. i don't just want to date around, but at the same time, i'm in no rush to get married. and right now, i'm presented with a lot of different options. i thought i knew what i wanted, but now i'm not sure. i'm just enjoying my time getting to know new people. this is a very fun and exciting time in my life and i am enjoying it thoroughly. i am blessed by so many people and just the opportunity to be out here.
the month of september is super busy for me. i'm preparing for many visitors and celebrations. this thursday my friend Andy gets here. he's staying for just the weekend. it should be fun since it's my first weekend off in so long, and i'll have good company. next weekend i am supposed to go to vegas with my friend ashley to celebrate our birthdays. and the weekend after that, my entire family is coming to see me and celebrate with me. my dad's and my brother's-in-law birthday are on the 15th, my bday is on the 21st and my sister's bday is on the 27th...so, we're celebrating all of them together when they come out here on the 19th. i'm so excited for my family to see my realm and to understand why i love this place so much.
besides preparing for people to come visit, i've also been juggling people here in SD. for some reason i've had a handful of people interested in me recently. i'm enjoying being single but i'm really trying to decide what i want right now. i don't just want to date around, but at the same time, i'm in no rush to get married. and right now, i'm presented with a lot of different options. i thought i knew what i wanted, but now i'm not sure. i'm just enjoying my time getting to know new people. this is a very fun and exciting time in my life and i am enjoying it thoroughly. i am blessed by so many people and just the opportunity to be out here.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
when i look out the window...
i'm in a really good place right now. this has been a long week, and it's not over yet, but i am loving my life right now. this new job is just what i needed. there are so many things i am thankful for with this job. one of them being its location. not only is it 5 minutes away from me, 5 minutes away from one of my favorite places (balboa park), and not even 5 minutes away from downtown, BUT when i look out the window of our office i see sailboats in the bay. even if i was getting bored with this job, all i'd have to do is look out the window and remember how beautiful this place is.
another thing i love about my job is that i have a balance of being in my office alone and seeing our clients (the homeless). every time i walk downstairs or ride in the elevator, i see someone who WOULD be on the streets if it weren't for the Mission. today when i was walking in, i saw a mother and her two young children. i greeted them with a smile and kept walking. then it dawned on me, those beautiful children would be on the streets if God had not provided the mission for them. it almost brought tears to my eyes just knowing i am taking part in something that really matters. regardless of what my tasks are, big or small, i know that i'm actively working for those who are in need in this city. i feel so blessed.
tonight i am having GNO (girls night out) with my neighbors. it is something they started--once a month we get ready and go out for dinner and drinks. i need this tonight because i've been working so much this week. i work 14 hours tomorrow, so i won't be out too late, but at least i'll be able to kick back for a bit. i work all weekend at the coffee shop (fri., sat., sun.) but saturday night i'm going to a concert with kirsten and i'm pumped. god is good. he is providing all i need and so much more. i finally feel like i'm 'starting' my life after college. it's so hard to find a place once you've crossed over from student/dependent to career/independent. i've found my place for now. ; )
another thing i love about my job is that i have a balance of being in my office alone and seeing our clients (the homeless). every time i walk downstairs or ride in the elevator, i see someone who WOULD be on the streets if it weren't for the Mission. today when i was walking in, i saw a mother and her two young children. i greeted them with a smile and kept walking. then it dawned on me, those beautiful children would be on the streets if God had not provided the mission for them. it almost brought tears to my eyes just knowing i am taking part in something that really matters. regardless of what my tasks are, big or small, i know that i'm actively working for those who are in need in this city. i feel so blessed.
tonight i am having GNO (girls night out) with my neighbors. it is something they started--once a month we get ready and go out for dinner and drinks. i need this tonight because i've been working so much this week. i work 14 hours tomorrow, so i won't be out too late, but at least i'll be able to kick back for a bit. i work all weekend at the coffee shop (fri., sat., sun.) but saturday night i'm going to a concert with kirsten and i'm pumped. god is good. he is providing all i need and so much more. i finally feel like i'm 'starting' my life after college. it's so hard to find a place once you've crossed over from student/dependent to career/independent. i've found my place for now. ; )
Thursday, August 7, 2008
say what?!
well...today was my first day at the new job. if some of you don't know, i got the job at the San Diego Rescue Mission--the one that i had originally interviewed for when i was still in Nebraska.
i really feel like this is where god wanted me in the first place, but it was all in his timing. i had to trust and come out here and wait patiently for him to provide.
today was good. i am not overwhelmed at all, but i am potentially freaking out about the fact that i might be working 14 hour days with both my jobs now. i love the coffee shop job and don't want to quit, but working 8-5 and then 5-10 every night might get a little obnoxious. i'm going to burn out quickly, not to mention miss the joys of cali, which includes the sunshine. BUT all is good. i am so thankful that i now have two jobs instead of none. i'll be able to pay some of my bills now;)
everyone is super nice at the mission and i feel like my transition into the position is going really smoothly. i start full time on monday already and i just found out that i got the position on tuesday. i fear that since this is an office job, which has a lot of monotony, i might get bored with this. but i also know that this position has a lot of potential growth and it could easily become a career. i eventually want to start my own non-profit so learning the behind the scenes is so important right now.
as for life outside of work, things couldn't be better. i love it here (obviously) and i feel like i'm really thriving. i've been running lately and i'm thinking about running a marathon or half marathon sometime in 2009. i ran 4 miles with Beau the other day. we ran along sunset cliffs/the beach. then yesterday i ran 5 miles. my legs are hurting today but i'm starting to get into a schedule. i might even go tonight. it's kind of becoming my outlet. i might just become a runner after all.
i love my church, i'm growing, i'm learning, i'm meeting new people, and i'm finally making a place for myself. god has blessed me so much. i can tell i'm in his will and i can't wait to see what he has next. i can hardly believe this is my life some days.
i really feel like this is where god wanted me in the first place, but it was all in his timing. i had to trust and come out here and wait patiently for him to provide.
today was good. i am not overwhelmed at all, but i am potentially freaking out about the fact that i might be working 14 hour days with both my jobs now. i love the coffee shop job and don't want to quit, but working 8-5 and then 5-10 every night might get a little obnoxious. i'm going to burn out quickly, not to mention miss the joys of cali, which includes the sunshine. BUT all is good. i am so thankful that i now have two jobs instead of none. i'll be able to pay some of my bills now;)
everyone is super nice at the mission and i feel like my transition into the position is going really smoothly. i start full time on monday already and i just found out that i got the position on tuesday. i fear that since this is an office job, which has a lot of monotony, i might get bored with this. but i also know that this position has a lot of potential growth and it could easily become a career. i eventually want to start my own non-profit so learning the behind the scenes is so important right now.
as for life outside of work, things couldn't be better. i love it here (obviously) and i feel like i'm really thriving. i've been running lately and i'm thinking about running a marathon or half marathon sometime in 2009. i ran 4 miles with Beau the other day. we ran along sunset cliffs/the beach. then yesterday i ran 5 miles. my legs are hurting today but i'm starting to get into a schedule. i might even go tonight. it's kind of becoming my outlet. i might just become a runner after all.
i love my church, i'm growing, i'm learning, i'm meeting new people, and i'm finally making a place for myself. god has blessed me so much. i can tell i'm in his will and i can't wait to see what he has next. i can hardly believe this is my life some days.
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