A heart condition

A few things I'm learning these days:

A while ago I blogged about my hardened heart. Well, I'm still noticing how quickly my heart grows cold and hard if not tended to. The other day I was reading Psalm 119 (which I love so much and am quite familiar with) and my heart was hard. With each word I read, I felt a change. My eyes filled with tears and my heart began to melt. At that moment I realized the Word of God is the only thing that can truly soften my heart. If I have a heart of stone, it is an indication that I am not in the word enough. I thank God for this revelation because it shows me my daily need for nourishment from the Word of God. I am starving without it...growing cold...and slowly dying.

Man, God has really been making me aware of the condition of my heart; after all, that is what He is concerned about. The more I learn about my depraved heart, the more I have to cling to Christ.

I am also learning much through my Bible Study (Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss). It is allowing me to identify lies I didn't know I was believing. Simple lies like "I can make it through the day without prayer and the word...I'll do it tomorrow," or "I can watch this movie, be entertained, and NOT be drawn away from Christ." These are lies, direct lies. I am unable to do anything pleasing to God when I do it in my flesh...and you better believe I am acting in my flesh when I haven't been in the Word or in prayer that day.

Romans 8:5-8 "For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

It comes full circle...if I am not in the Word, I set my mind on things of the flesh, I start to believe lies, my heart begins to harden, and I can do nothing to please God.

Thank God for His Word, and for Christ Jesus, who is our hope and our righteousness.

Blessed Father's Day weekend

I know the love of two fathers. I know and cherish the love of my earthly father, with whom I spent much time this weekend, AND I know the great love of my heavenly Father, who continues to reveal Himself to me more and more each day.

I was so blessed to get time with my parents this weekend. They came to Minni and we played and relaxed all weekend. Gosh, I just love my dad SO much! I am incredibly blessed to have a father who cares for me deeply and would do anything to protect me and provide for me. He brings me so much joy and just loves me well.

As we played in the pool, drove around the city, went to a car show, went to church and ate out multiple times, I realized how truly special my father is. He is goofy--one big child. He is talented--a jack of all trades. He is compassionate--a true servant of God. He is my dad, and I love him.

I am thankful that my relationship with my earthly father points me to my relationship with my heavenly Father. Although not comparable, the love and comfort I experience with my dad give me a better understanding of the love and comfort that comes from God the Father. In a world where many fathers are absent, I am truly blessed to have a father who is not only present in my life, but who loves and supports me in all I do.

I love you, dad. Happy Father's day!

June Gloom

Weird. I moved away from San Diego, where the famous June Gloom is inevitable every year, and...it followed me to Minneapolis.

It has been rainy and gloomy for the last two weeks and, therefore, does not feel like summer. Because of this, I have a few things to say...One: I can't believe it is already June--that means I have been here for 6 months. Two: I can't believe it is summer and I am so terribly white (Guess I'll have to get used to it--the sun shines a lot less here). Three: I can't believe the first of only four good months here in MN is like this! I feel a little cheated.

Other than the weather, I have no complaints. God is gracious and I am doing well. My parents are coming to visit me this weekend and I am excited to be around people who know and love me well.

I am so very content in the Lord right now and so thankful for that. I'm excited to see what He has for me this summer and fall. I will write more soon. I need to get back to blogging once a week. I hope you all are blessed.

Taking action

Friends, I am sick of saying and not doing. I say I want to live a radical life for Jesus, but how does my life look any different from Joe Schmoe sitting next to me at this coffee shop? It may differ on two days: Sunday when he sleeps in and I go to church, and Tuesday when he goes to happy hour and I go to Bible study.

I. am. not. okay. with. this.

I am not saying that everyone is called to live radically, but I am saying that I feel called by God to be radical. My passion has been renewed and I am ready to make some tough decisions and some necessary sacrifices to live radically for Jesus.

I had blogged previously about my biggest fear coming true and I am revisiting that now. I feared that I would get a full-time job and become comfortable after moving here, forgetting the reason for which the Lord brought me here. I have been so busy with work the past month and a half that I have not been able to focus on anything else--including why I'm here. I was in desperate need for a vacation and a re-evaluation of life, so I took a quick trip to San Diego last week and visited loved ones and the dear ocean. This is what I discovered when the Lord removed me from my current situation:

I moved to Minneapolis not only for this Bible program and Bethlehem Baptist Church, but also for Christian community and radical living. I desire to live in community with a family or with sisters in the Lord and to do life together--daily things like eating, sharing life's burdens, praying, rejoicing, crying, serving, etc. For the past four months I have lived in a two-bedroom apartment by myself (since my roommate is never there) and have experienced NO community whatsoever. I have been so busy with my job and school that I have not had a chance to serve in any type of capacity and/or been able to create any type of social life. I have been so busy studying, that I have rarely taken the opportunity to share with others what I am learning (apart from a few people). I moved here to better learn God's word and to let him shape me from the inside out, invading every area of my life. Recently I have found a small group who desires the same thing. And because the Christian life is not meant to be lived alone, now that I have a great group of believers seeking the same thing, I am encouraged to go and do.

Well, this summer I am at a cross-roads and the Lord is providing an opportunity to get out of this comfort zone of living in a Christian bubble. I have to move out of my apartment by the end of June because my roommate is getting married. I have no idea where I'll be living. I am looking for opportunities now to live in community with minimal rent costs, with the ability to minister in my neighborhood. I'm also praying about making some sacrifices with work--going part time in the fall--so I can focus more on my program at Bethlehem. I am praying about, and looking for opportunities to mentor a group of teenage girls as well. My small group is looking to serve believers around Minneapolis this summer--whether that be painting houses, making dinners, visiting retirement homes, or just taking out the trash for our neighbors. I have also contacted a Biblical counselor and will be meeting with her to pick her brain about counseling and how I can prepare myself (or more so let the Lord prepare me) for counseling women in the future.

With all this said, I am excited to take action and not just talk about passions I have or dreams that I'm dreaming. Life is too short to talk and not do. It is time to do!

With the grace of God, I press on.

The best homework there is

So, I am officially done with classes this term. I finished one paper last night and I am starting the second one today, hoping to finish before next Wednesday. I am at a new coffee shop with a caramel latte in hand and it is raining outside. I am thankful to be alive and well today.

Although I would love to share with all of you all that I have learned this semester, I do not have the time or ability to verbalize all of that. So, I thought it would be a good idea to take an excerpt from my paper. Below, are the last two paragraphs of my reflection on the pleasures of God. I hope you enjoy.

***
Through this course and the book Pleasures of God, my view of God has been enriched in many ways. I've learned how God's self-sufficiency is for our benefit. I was impacted greatly when Piper wrote "You can't bribe a mountain spring with bucketfuls of water from the valley" (pg. 32). That image was seared on my mind through out the twelve weeks of this course. Everything within me wants to stop my foolishness in bringing bucketfuls of water to the overflowing mountain spring, and just come empty to drink of His living water. And in the process of me drinking of his water, and coming back for more and more, He will be glorified. I learned in this course that the complexity of the Christian life and the daily war within can be eased by simply going back to these Biblical truths. As I daily wrestle with my sin, and my flesh and spirit are at war, instead of constantly being discouraged, I can look to my happy God and recount the ways He is delighted in my need for more of Him.

I have learned that in discovering the pleasures of God, we see His glory, worth and excellency, and we are transformed into His likeness and are able to manifest His glory in the church. In my own life, as I work on application of these sweet Biblical truths, I will strive to live in a way that declares the glory of God in all that I say and do. I will look to my infinitely happy God in moments of discouragement and find joy in Him. I will plead with God to remind me of the pleasure He has in his Son and in the atoning sacrifice which has imputed righteousness from Christ to me, an adopted daughter. I will ask the Spirit to intercede on my behalf when I do not know for what to pray. I will beg for a humble and contrite heart and faith like a child daily. And I will communicate with others, whether in difficulties or joys, all that God is doing within me so that I may never boast in myself, but only in the Lord. Now that I know more about the pleasures of God, and therefore His character, I will share with others these things that make our God so great. By the grace of God, I plan on making it a point to observe the beauty of nature, meditate on the saving work of Christ, and marvel in the illumination of Scripture more often. I will speak of God as a happy God and will praise His name. I am excited to use all I have learned in this course as I minister to believers and non-believers around me. With the help of the Spirit, I think I'll be able to better portray God as He is when sharing the gospel. Due to the nature of my work and the frequent opportunities I have to give spiritual counsel, I plan on daily using many things I have learned from this class. I have thoroughly enjoyed studying the pleasures of God alongside other brothers and sisters, and I can honestly say I am a much happier person after learning more about my happy God.

A heart of playdough

I have a heart of playdough these days. If not kneaded continually, it will harden quickly.

I have been in a battle this week with my sinful nature. My flesh has been tempting me to find temporary pleasure in such shallow things. "You're too tired to pray...You had a hard day, take a break and watch a movie...Sleep in just a little bit longer, and don't wake up to read your Bible"...and it goes on, and on.

I have been confronted multiple times this week with the condition of my ugly heart. One day I was struggling to get the keys out of the lock in my door and I almost threw a tantrum. It hit me then how hard my heart had become in such a short time period. My last blog, 'grace upon grace', was out of an overflow from a very sanctifying week with the Lord. I should have known that immediately after that week I would be experiencing attack and would be in battle. The thing is, the enemy is so good at creeping up on us, when we're not quite ready for battle. I had set my sword down and was only loosely holding my shield. In my prayerlessness last week, my heart of playdough sat out on the table hardening from the outside in.

Last night at church, I begged the Lord to soften my heart, for I knew I could not do it on my own. I wept during the worship because I felt the Lord slowly softening my heart and I was broken over my sin. After church, I prayed with a dear friend and the Lord continued to soften my heart. Then I went to bed, and when I woke up this morning, it was as if my playdough heart had been left out on the table again...all night long. How can this be?! Why is my heart so inclined to be rebellious against my Lord and harden itself so quickly?

The answer is found in the Word of God (as are all other answers to life).
1 Peter 2:11
"Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul."

My flesh and soul are at war. Every day I am in battle. I cannot give in or grow weary for the battle will last until the day my earthly body dies.

My aim now is to arm myself with the same attitude of Christ Jesus, the one who suffered for my sins, because I WILL suffer and when trials come I want to be armed and ready. I urge you friends, fight the battle with the Word of God. Read it even when you don't want to. Pray even when you are tired. Be vulnerable even when you don't feel like it. Don't leave your heart of playdough out to be hardened. Place it in the hand of the Lord and let him knead it until it is soft and moldable, able to be shaped into whatever He desires. I plead with you, even as I am pleading with myself to do the same...and of course, pleading with the Lord to soften me since He is the only one who can do so.

Grace after grace; the domino effect

The Lord is so gracious to me! I am blown away by the way the Lord pursues me day after day with his sufficient grace. This week I have been able to see His grace flowing over me moment by moment. His Sovereign hand has directed my feet this weekend and his gentle spirit has guided my thoughts. Moment by moment, He has been preparing my heart for the next move. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, but the quicker it comes, the more beautiful it is. This weekend, through a series of events, I was able to see how the Lord used one domino to move the next domino to push the next domino to create a beautiful collision of all the pieces of my life. They all moved so swiftly and in perfect sequence. And when they all fell at different times, I quickly saw that one pushed the other. They are still going--falling one by one, each one reflecting the glory of the One who started the wave.

I don't know when they'll stop falling and crashing gently to the table, but I rejoice in the beauty of this wave that the Lord started. So often we can't see the dominoes falling, we can only feel them. But right now, God is being so gracious to me in letting me see this process. I feel such peace in the midst of action and movement in my life. I feel the Lord preparing me for much. And the excitement that comes during a time of preparation can be overwhelming. Although I do not know where the pieces of my life will land, I am rejoicing in the fact that they are moving in a direction in which seems to point to the Lord and his will for my life. I am learning that God reveals himself to me most when I have nothing to offer and come to him to drink deeply of his never-ending mountain stream of life. It's silly for me to bring bucket-fulls of tap water to a mountain stream and dump them in, hoping to add anything to the already perfect and self-sufficient stream. I must come, completely empty, and "With joy...drink deeply from the fountain of salvation." (Isaiah 12:3)

I'm a small person in awe of a great God today. May He continue to push over my dominoes and bucket-fulls of silly water, that I may run with my empty self in the direction of the fountain of salvation!