Refining

my soul is being refined, but it's not without burning and suffering. as god brings me through the fire daily, i find joy in knowing that he's the one bringing me through it.

Ecc 7:3
"Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us."

as some of you may know, i just went to alabama for a church conference on repentance. my time there was intense. through listening to hours of sermons and spending time with great and godly people, i learned so much. not only about myself, but about my god. repentance is a hard issue because it truly reveals how sinful we are as people and how absolutely incapable we are of doing any good without christ. i don't think i can unpack all i learned while i was there because there was so much, but i will tell you how god is refining me right now and what he spoke so clearly to me.

this past week i have really felt the lord telling me that my ministry is, and has always been, my immediate community. god has given me the desire, and the ability to encourage and push other believers toward him...toward truth, love and grace. it took me a while to realize that my ministry is my every day life--it's my roommates, my coworkers, my friends, my neighbors. for the first time i understand that this is of great significance. god is somehow using me, an undeserved servant, to bring glory to his name as he changes other people through my words. please hear me when i say, this is NOT of me, nor am i bragging of what i'm doing, but instead, it is the SPIRIT moving in and through me.

my heart and my prayers are being transformed. my heart breaks for those who do not realize they are already free of their sin but they live as if they're still enslaved by it. my prayers are now for furthering god's kingdom, whether that means suffering or not. i am feeling what others feel and hurting for them.

i have had a really rough past 2 years of my life, but this year, 2009, i am being SO blessed. i felt god had left me stranded for the past 2 years--i felt like i was always there for others and no one was there for me--i felt used and forgotten about. but in hindsight, i now see that i WAS BEING USED...but for his glory. and that's what it's all about. it's not about how happy i am or if i'm getting what i want, but it's about how he can use me to further his kingdom. in this realization i am reminded of phillipians 3:
"i once thought all of these things so very important, but now i consider them worthless because of what christ has done. yes, everything else is worthless when compared to the priceless gain of knowing christ jesus my lord. yes, i have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that i may have christ and become one with him."

i've always wondered why i would rather be the back-up singer than the main attraction, and now i know that was just how god created me. he created me to be behind the scenes playing crucial roles that may never get noticed. as my face blends into this crowd of people, i find joy in knowing that christ is the only one i truly need to be noticed by. i am living my purpose...the same purpose we all have--living to further HIS kingdom.

i hope you all are encouraged by this and find that god reveals your ministry, big or small, it is where you're needed.