in this moment

i am sitting on my bed writing.
my stomach is full of sushi.
i have feist playing in my ear.
i'm wearing my sweatpants and a hoodie.
i just got off the phone with my beloved mother.
and i am now drinking a glass of sangria.

in this moment, i am content.

lately i've had to really focus on living moment by moment. i've felt so unsettled in a lot of things lately. let's start with my job. I AM SO BORED WITH IT RIGHT NOW. there is no possibility of advancement and the day-to-day tasks have become chores for me. i am trying so hard to change my attitude about my job, but i just know that soon it will be time to move on.
next, san diego. i love this city, but honestly, i could pick up and leave tomorrow. i am SUCH a nomad. i'm just ready for whatever is next and i feel the Lord is not allowing me to get too attached to any one thing. i'm asking him, 'Send me!'

although i do not know what is next, i am truly excited. the lord is cultivating my soul and teaching me so much. i am encouraged and discouraged at the same time for i have so much more to learn. i will never arrive at a certain point of knowledge or love for my lord, and it's only by his grace that i am even learning anything. BUT in this moment, i rejoice in not remaining stagnant or numb but feeling him move me.

today i am content.
(this picture is of me and my dear friends meg and tina...being content)

loving the law...

wow! i cannot believe that it is almost may and i last blogged at the beginning of april. time is flying by. with each week, comes quicker days and even quicker nights. our time here on earth is just a blink of an eye. in the quickness of life, i rest in the fact that i only have today to think about. we are not promised tomorrow, nor do we really deserve it, but by the grace of god, when i wake up the next morning i can then think about the day before me. this is one thing i've been so thankful for lately--my contentment in the NOW. the lord has really taken my mind and allowed me only to think on what is set before me today.

as i think about what he is doing in my life i only want to think about two things...right now and eternity. i don't ever want to dwell on the past (although i use it to remind myself of the dark places from which i have come). and i don't ever want to day-dream about the future. i only want to be where god has me now and revel in the glory of eternity (which i have to look forward to). i can honestly say i am completely content in what the lord is doing in my life TODAY. it is a roller-coaster with christ, but every day i fall more in love with him regardless of how happy or sad i may be. that is what a relationship is about because feelings can be deceiving and loving someone takes devotion. i have found a new devotion to my jesus. one that renews me.

Psalm 119
"I long to obey your commandments! Renew my life with your goodness."

as i hunger and thirst for truth lately, i find the only satisfying thing is god's law. psalm 119 is all about loving god's law and living in his commandments. i have been eating up this psalm like cheesecake lately. literally, chewing on its words all throughout the day. my heart's cry is through out this psalm and in it i find many answers to my questions. as i learn more about my depravity and absolute need for a savior, i cling to the truth of this psalm. and the truth is that we have NOTHING but his law. his law is good and we should love it. not because we have to, but in response to his unfailing love for us.

"When I learn your righteous laws, I will thank you by living as I should!" v. 7

our only response to god should be absolute obedience and a desire to live out righteous lives daily. once we LEARN his laws and his truth, we have a huge responsibility to speak, live, and breathe truth through out the day. i am greatly challenged by his law. but the more i learn, the more sinful i realize i am, and therefore the more thankful i am for the grace that has been poured out upon me.

A California Easter

Tomorrow I will be reunited with my family for a fun-filled Easter weekend in Cali. We are all meeting in Long Beach, where my sister lives, and will be going to Disneyland and California Adventure. I am SO very excited for this weekend, but I am even more excited just to be with my beloved family.

This will be the first time we are all together since two Christmas's ago. It has been beautiful here lately--like nice enough that I already have a tan from last weekend, BUT this weekend it is supposed to rain. The weatherman here in SoCal has not proven himself to me yet because he's always wrong. Let's hope he's wrong this time. I would love it if it didn't rain on me while I was playing with Mickey Mouse and riding rides with my nephew. But rain or shine, I am sure it will be a great weekend.

God is really working in my heart right now and I'm processing through a lot. I think that's why I haven't blogged lately. But after this weekend with my family, I will let you all know where my heart is and what I've been up to. Just had to share my excitement with everyone I know! Happy Easter, All!! Jesus is Risen!

Refining

my soul is being refined, but it's not without burning and suffering. as god brings me through the fire daily, i find joy in knowing that he's the one bringing me through it.

Ecc 7:3
"Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us."

as some of you may know, i just went to alabama for a church conference on repentance. my time there was intense. through listening to hours of sermons and spending time with great and godly people, i learned so much. not only about myself, but about my god. repentance is a hard issue because it truly reveals how sinful we are as people and how absolutely incapable we are of doing any good without christ. i don't think i can unpack all i learned while i was there because there was so much, but i will tell you how god is refining me right now and what he spoke so clearly to me.

this past week i have really felt the lord telling me that my ministry is, and has always been, my immediate community. god has given me the desire, and the ability to encourage and push other believers toward him...toward truth, love and grace. it took me a while to realize that my ministry is my every day life--it's my roommates, my coworkers, my friends, my neighbors. for the first time i understand that this is of great significance. god is somehow using me, an undeserved servant, to bring glory to his name as he changes other people through my words. please hear me when i say, this is NOT of me, nor am i bragging of what i'm doing, but instead, it is the SPIRIT moving in and through me.

my heart and my prayers are being transformed. my heart breaks for those who do not realize they are already free of their sin but they live as if they're still enslaved by it. my prayers are now for furthering god's kingdom, whether that means suffering or not. i am feeling what others feel and hurting for them.

i have had a really rough past 2 years of my life, but this year, 2009, i am being SO blessed. i felt god had left me stranded for the past 2 years--i felt like i was always there for others and no one was there for me--i felt used and forgotten about. but in hindsight, i now see that i WAS BEING USED...but for his glory. and that's what it's all about. it's not about how happy i am or if i'm getting what i want, but it's about how he can use me to further his kingdom. in this realization i am reminded of phillipians 3:
"i once thought all of these things so very important, but now i consider them worthless because of what christ has done. yes, everything else is worthless when compared to the priceless gain of knowing christ jesus my lord. yes, i have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that i may have christ and become one with him."

i've always wondered why i would rather be the back-up singer than the main attraction, and now i know that was just how god created me. he created me to be behind the scenes playing crucial roles that may never get noticed. as my face blends into this crowd of people, i find joy in knowing that christ is the only one i truly need to be noticed by. i am living my purpose...the same purpose we all have--living to further HIS kingdom.

i hope you all are encouraged by this and find that god reveals your ministry, big or small, it is where you're needed.

blown away

god is blowing my mind lately. the last three weeks i have felt god moving in and around me so much. it was like i just had two terrible years and the second it turned 2009, the lord began to bless me tremendously. i do not deserve these gifts but it comes with being one of his children, and i will not dispute it.

i write this entry with many emotions. god has filled my day today with joy and sorrow. i am beginning to mourn with people when they mourn and rejoice with people when they rejoice. but besides the range of emotions i feel for and with other people, i am being filled with so much joy, myself. god is answering my prayers before i am even done asking.

just monday i was praying at my new bible study with a girl about opportunities at work. as some of you know, my heart is for the poor and broken AND for writing. and i've been stuck behind a desk at work not really getting to do either of those things. but i've been patient and content. but, tomorrow, being friday--only 4 short days
later, i will be teaching a creative writing class to 35-40 homeless ladies in our program at work. i'm not sure if you guys read that correctly, let me restate what i just said. I WILL BE DOING BOTH OF THE MOST PASSIONATE THINGS IN MY LIFE AT THE SAME TIME...AND GETTING PAID FOR IT.

it's not just that. it's everything. god is blessing me in every way possible. so today as i meditated on this i came across a scripture that really spoke to me.
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Matthew 25:21 (referring to the talents given to the three servants by the master--this one being one who invested)
"The master was full of praise. 'Well done my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now i will give you many more responsibilities. Let's celebrate together!'"

v.29 (referring to the one who played it safe and didn't invest)
"To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who are unfaithful, even what little they have will be taken away."
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god is seriously entrusting me with so much right now that i can't even begin to explain it. but i really feel like he's testing me to see what i will do with it. will i take risks and give to him what's already his? or will i store up for myself what he's blessed me with. i have a choice. but for the first time in my life, i am learning sincere generosity and what it means to give from the heart.

life is SO good right now. but "your unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how i praise you!" (ps 63:3)

drowning in happiness

my heart wanted to jump out of my chest a couple times this week. i don't really even know where to begin, but it seems to me that 2009 is already off to a great start. as you know, i moved into my new house on the 1st. since then i have slowly been filling up the house with cheap but beautiful furniture and decor from thrift stores. i have also been filling the house with joy. or better yet, christ has been filling the house with joy.

we finally got electricity after 5 days of living in the dark. i don't think i've ever been so happy. i was running around the house flipping on every switch and jumping up and down when the light illuminated the room. i called my parents screaming, "mom! dad! i have electricity! and a real house! i'm all grown up!" i had a similar reaction when i brought home a $50 leather couch i had purchased from a thrift store.

the point is, i'm finally able to settle in for the first time in 2 years. i feel like i have a home--a place to relax and grow and create community. the new roommate is fabulous and we are having so much fun together. i love coming home from work every day!

now, the fact that these small, yet important things are making me so happy is only part of it. since the first of the year god has really been revealing himself to me. i am learning more and more about his heart for me and for the people around me. i am being filled with his joy daily and when my attitude is crappy, the turnaround is quick. for the first time in possibly 2 years i feel like i am being filled up by the spirit. i am overflowing. drowning in grace and truth. drowning in happiness.

first blog of 2009

wow. it is 2009. where did this year go? one year ago i had just gotten home from Peru. i look back at this year of transition and all i can do is get so excited for the next year because so much happened in the last one. i came back from peru, moved to lincoln for 5 months, and then took the leap of faith and moved to san diego with no job and no home. it turned out well. i still really feel like this is where i'm supposed to be.

so an update on the last couple weeks of my life. i am currently sitting in my new room...after going to nebraska for christmas, i moved from my small apartment to a 3 bedroom house, and i LOVE it. christmas eve was my last day of work at the coffee shop and then i flew home christmas day. i had a wonderful time with my family and realized how much i missed them. then i flew home on new years eve and began moving right away. i am sort of settled in my new house but there are a few problems...

we. have. no. electricity.

so, here i am, trying to put this house together in the dark. ha. it's comical and frustrating but it makes me realize how spoiled we truly are. so tonight i am sitting in my bed with my candles burning thanking the lord for electricity (when we do get it). i have really had to strategically organize my days because i can only work on the house until 4 pm. so i've been going to bed early and waking up early. this is what it must have been like in the old days. interesting. but all is well. this year is off to a great and exciting start. the lord has great plans for this year.