well...

i know it's been a while. i'm back from peru now and christmas is over so i have some time to think. i thought it would be weird coming back. i was excited and ready, but it was hard to leave. here's a journal entry from my last night in lima:

"i said goodbye tonight--goodbye to people i thought i only knew as distant friends. i said goodbye to women, to children, to men. i said goodbye to a familiar street corner, to an unforgettable smell, to the city lights. i said goodbye to a lifestyle. when i said hello four months ago, i heard no response. three months ago there was still silence. two months ago i heard a whisper. but tonight, i said goodbye, and instead of the echo of my own voice, i heard 'don't go.'
for the first time in four months i felt the difference i was. when i saw the look on their faces, i knew. i knew christ had used me in some way...to show them his love. somewhere at some point in the last four months, my presence made a difference. tonight, those i thought were only distant friends told me i was their family. tonight, those who had never spoke to me before, told me how much i meant to them. tonight, those who didn't care to know me all four months begged me to stay.
tears not only flowed from my eyes, but they fell to the street from those who will miss me...miss this love. friends started crying with us after they realized we were crying for them. i said goodbye and i heard 'don't go'."

i'm in a denial stage right now. my mind's been telling me i never went to peru and everything here is the same. but my heart tells me i was changed forever and my mouth can't put words to it. as i wrestle with what i'm supposed to do with my life now, i remember my friends who live in poverty and i thank the lord for how blessed i am to get to serve them. life is a mystery and all i know right now is that i must do something i love...god is love, so the only thing i can think to do is to serve him with all i have, even if that service is done in silence and struggle. i press on.