just can't do it

i have been asked to speak at church this coming sunday. i'm supposed to talk about what god taught me while i was in peru and the life-changing experience i've had. i said yes of course, but as i prepare to talk, i am speechless.

i'm going through my journals, searching for something...a theme, a lesson, a cry of my heart. but the harder i try to process and try to find something to say, the more i realize i never processed in the first place. my mind just can't do it. it's too hard to process. i don't know if it's because i had such a hard time there and my mind is wanting to repress those memories or if i have neglected the process of processing after coming home from something like this.

i feel like the world issues i have to deal with when processing (poverty, justice, solidarity, etc.) are just too hard for me right now. how do you force yourself to think about something you just don't want to think about?

i think it's hard to ponder these things because of the place i'm in right now. i'm in a transition phase and i have yet to invest in activities or groups that allow me to act on these world issues because i'm about to leave again. i feel like a constant nomad. and until i find a place or community to call my home, i'm hesitant to invest and make a move in advocating for the poor. is that terrible? am i being super selfish right now because i'm trying to figure out where and what before i speak? maybe i'm waiting and i shouldn't be. who knows!