words coming to life

i crave words sometimes. words are a powerful thing and a work of art when they're put together, taken apart and rearranged. i've been craving words lately. words that will fulfill. i started reading a few minutes ago and my mind wasn't satisfied. usually, when i start a new book, i just can't get enough. but not today. today the words want to fall out instead of flow in.

we do, as people, crave affirmation. affirmation through words and actions. and often, through that affirmation, we receive love...which is what we live for. i'm not sure where this is going, but my mind is overflowing with things that need to be translated into complete thoughts.

i'm trying to figure out who i am right now. i once thought i knew, but now i feel like i'm changing every day. my passions, my desires and my perspectives are not what they once were. i'm up and i'm down, i'm back and i'm forth, yet i'm still here. i see people all over, living their own lives, going their separate ways. yet i am reminded daily of how we are all the same. i was reminded last night of the typical child around the world. when i was on the bus in peru, a little girl asked her mother 'Mama, cuantos minutos falta?' every five minutes. that translates to 'mom, how much longer' or the famous 'are we there yet'. those small words created in me a realization that i wish all people would have. everywhere around the world, people are doing the same thing. they may speak a different language, have a different culture, have different dreams, but they, WE, are all the same. we all sleep, eat, and survive this thing called life every day.

so, if we are all the same, why is it that some are treated like animals...some are invisible...some are forgotten...some are beaten. i am slowly figuring out that my passion is for people. i want to find a way to love harder, speak stronger, and live louder. i desire for equals to be treated as equals. i desire for words we hear and speak to come alive.

the spectrum...

as i've been processing my experience in peru, i'm learning about the spectrum of christian community and the role it plays in my life. i had a really amazing experience in L.A. two and a half years ago. i had great christian community with unity like never before. i experienced miracles. i fell in love with diversity. i embraced brokenness. i felt the word come alive. i made lifelong friends. and i felt more alive there than ever before.

with my experience in peru, i felt a lot of the opposite. i learned how hard community can be and how satan creates disunity when we let him. i learned how ugly we can be, even as christians. i didn't see miracles, but i saw service behind the curtains. i had a hard time finding hope in the midst of discouragement.

my point is, because i've been at both ends of the spectrum, i now know where the middle is...and i feel like i have a truer perspective on christianity. when christ died for our sins so we could experience true love, joy, peace, and all the amazing things that come with eternal life, he also brought us pain, brokenness, suffering and all the things that come with earthly life. being a christian doesn't mean life is better or easier. in fact, when we pick up our cross and carry it, life is even harder. the only difference between a christian and a non-christian is hope. when we suffer, when we lose, when we fail...we have hope of a better life to come. we have hope of spending eternity with our savior.

i'm wrestling with finding joy and contentment in this place right now. i may search and seek for something more every day. i may travel the world in search of answers to life. i may have my wildest dreams come true. BUT nothing, absolutely nothing, will satisfy me the way only christ can. i must remind myself of this daily. otherwise i'll continue to search and come up empty over and over again.

this blog is no longer called peru '07...

it's no longer 2007, nor am i in peru, so it's a new season of life. a fresh start.

this year has started off different than any year before. i've always had school as a constant in my life and now that that constant is gone, i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. i just moved back to lincoln to live with one of my best friends and her family. i'm searching for jobs and looking for answers to life...yet i find none.

i listened to a sermon today on the cross being our anchor of hope. basically, he (louie giglio) spoke on when we hit rock bottom, even as christians, the cross of christ is our only hope. things may continue to not make sense and continue to hurt like hell, but if we set our eyes on the cross, we realize christ went through pain and suffering too...and he conquered the world. life sucks, but it's also a very beautiful thing. when i have questions that never get answered, all i can do is trust that they don't need answers right now. i'll never understand why this earth is the way that it is, but i will always know that i am loved by the king of kings, and that gives me value.

well...

i know it's been a while. i'm back from peru now and christmas is over so i have some time to think. i thought it would be weird coming back. i was excited and ready, but it was hard to leave. here's a journal entry from my last night in lima:

"i said goodbye tonight--goodbye to people i thought i only knew as distant friends. i said goodbye to women, to children, to men. i said goodbye to a familiar street corner, to an unforgettable smell, to the city lights. i said goodbye to a lifestyle. when i said hello four months ago, i heard no response. three months ago there was still silence. two months ago i heard a whisper. but tonight, i said goodbye, and instead of the echo of my own voice, i heard 'don't go.'
for the first time in four months i felt the difference i was. when i saw the look on their faces, i knew. i knew christ had used me in some way...to show them his love. somewhere at some point in the last four months, my presence made a difference. tonight, those i thought were only distant friends told me i was their family. tonight, those who had never spoke to me before, told me how much i meant to them. tonight, those who didn't care to know me all four months begged me to stay.
tears not only flowed from my eyes, but they fell to the street from those who will miss me...miss this love. friends started crying with us after they realized we were crying for them. i said goodbye and i heard 'don't go'."

i'm in a denial stage right now. my mind's been telling me i never went to peru and everything here is the same. but my heart tells me i was changed forever and my mouth can't put words to it. as i wrestle with what i'm supposed to do with my life now, i remember my friends who live in poverty and i thank the lord for how blessed i am to get to serve them. life is a mystery and all i know right now is that i must do something i love...god is love, so the only thing i can think to do is to serve him with all i have, even if that service is done in silence and struggle. i press on.

the shortness of life

i know sometimes life feels like it's dragging on, but it's really just a blink of an eye. recently i've been thinking a lot about death...mainly because some people i know have died, and i'm close to people here who are in conditions that could quickly lead to death. so needless to say, i've been reminded lately how quickly we can disappear. in a world where time IS our priority, we forget that it's also something we can't control. when we live our lives busy and rushing, always hoping for the next moment, we miss what is happening in the now.

i know this is nothing new, but the now is what makes the next moment worth living. can you imagine if we really could just be in this moment without making a list of all the things we need to do next in our minds? can you imagine if we were observant to what was going on around us and the needs of others? can you imagine if we loved with all we had at that very moment? can you imagine if we took the time to see jesus in the face of each person we came in contact with in that moment?

as i finish my time here, my prayer is that i'll be here...be here in mind, in spirit, in my whole being. as i'm reminded that tomorrow is not guaranteed, i am challenged to see what is around me and to find a way to love and enjoy it. even in the hardest moments that we endure, we can't compare our suffering to that of our lord's. i'm learning to celebrate life...even when it's tough.

i'm really excited to come home and be with my family and experience once again the comforts of my home and atmosphere. but the last thing i want to do is miss this. so here i am. living simply this beautiful life.

touching the clouds

i just returned from my trip to bolivia and lake titicaca. i have to say it was the most beautiful sight on earth...that i've seen so far. the Andes mountains took my breath away and lake titicaca was better than an oasis in a desert. for people who can never decide between the beach or the mountains, lake titicaca is the place to be because it's an ocean in the middle of a bunch of mountains.

one evening we climbed a mountain, which overlooks the lake and has the stations of the cross on the hike up. it was the most intense hike ever. as i walked up the mountain and read each station, i contemplated on the passion of our christ. taking breaks on the way up and overlooking the lake or the city behind us was really unbelievable. to know that the god of the universe created that view for me to enjoy just blew my mind...then contemplating on his sacrifice for me blew my mind even more. when we made it to the top of the mountain, our group of 11 read vesper prayers as the sun set. as soon as we finished the wind picked up and the clouds grew dark. we prayed it wouldn't start raining until we got back to the hostel...sure enough, it didn't.

our trip has too many things that happened to explain in this blog, but i'll give you a few. we all got sick (and some of us are still sick), i got my knitting needles taken away from me at the airport, we got left behind by our bus on the bolivian-peruvian border, and much more. we visited our friends in bolivia who are also part of Word Made Flesh. their ministry is in El Alto, right outside of La Paz, and they minister to our friends who prostitute. they have a center one block away from the redlight district. i learned a lot about their ministry and god really broke my heart while i was there. i met a woman who had been a prostitute for 30 years and is now living with two of the missionaries there and has completely changed her life around. she reminded me of my friend from L.A. who has a very similar story. it was amazing to hear more about the redemption of our lord.

another thing that really stuck out during the trip was how the shoe shiners differed from bolivia to peru. the shoe shiners in bolivia are seen as the lowest people in society. they wear ski masks to cover their faces while they shine shoes. it was so sad to see so many people ashamed of their jobs, jobs that keep them alive, jobs that are a service to tourists and people with shoes nice enough to shine...it broke my heart NOT to see their faces. while being here i've learned to put names and faces to poverty because i have met and become friends with so many of those who live in the midst of it. i want to continue to do that, but it's so hard when society tries to cover it (the problem) and them (the faces) up.

now that i'm back in lima and i only have 3 weeks left, i'm trying not to check out. it's been hard to keep my mind and soul focused on the here and now--especially when i'm so excited to come home and see you beautiful people. so prayer for my focus here would be much appreciated. i'm trying to love with all i have for the next 3 weeks and i'm trying to process the last 4 months, but i know that even processing is a process (ha) and it will take a long time. i get back december 16th for all of you who want to know. we watched Elf last night and got me really excited about christmas. god is good and life is short, i'm learning to live it to the fullest. i'm learning to touch the clouds.

retreat with the boys

let me try to break down last week for ya. all of us were burnt out and stressed out before the retreat, but it ended up going really well. we went to a beautiful place called camen, in the middle of a bunch of mountains. there was a river, green trees, beautiful flowers, and an amazing view of the mountains everywhere we looked. the boys seemed to really love it.

we had planned a bunch of activities and games for the boys, but it didn't go exactly as planned. the 3 days we were there ended up being really free. everyone kind of did their own thing. some boys went hiking with some staff, others went down to the river, some did art, and some swam in the swamp pool. it was super amazing to see these kids, who live on the streets and have to watch their backs at all times, relax and get to just be kids for a while. it was really great to get to know the kids a little more and to see their true personalities come out when they were able to kick back. some of my favorite times were just sitting back and watching the boys interact with each other. on the last night we were there, the boys played peruvian hide and go seek...which is a little different from the hide and go seek we know. basically there were 2 people who were it and the goal of the game was to beat the 'it' person back to home base. so basically, all the boys found the worst possible places to hide that were close to home base. we (some staff members and i) were laying on a blanket watching the game, and at one point 4 of the kids jumped on the blanket with us...eventually we figured out that was their 'hiding place'. ha. it was a little bit ridiculous, but super hilarious.

one of my favorite moments was at 8 o'clock in the morning when i was sitting on a rock by myself staring at the mountains, and one of the boys came and sat next to me. we both just marvelled at the beauty of the mountains and sat in silence for a while. then he talked about the jungle where his grandma lives and we just talked for a bit. that moment with him was one that i will never forget. i'm so glad we could both be removed from the noisy streets of lima and just marvel at god's beauty in nature...together.

when the retreat was over, we rode a 2 hr bus ride back to lima. on the way i saw people farming by hand, and by horse and plow. the beauty and simplicity of life here left me in awe for the remainder of the bus ride. it got really difficult when we had to drop the kids off. i knew we could go back to our houses and take showers, eat food, and sleep in a bed, but for the boys, they just were back on the streets. i'm still asking god questions about his justice in this injust world and learning lots. as hard as it was to drop them off back on the streets, i'm so glad and feel so blessed to have had that time with them off the streets where they could experience the beauty of god's creation. i'm so blessed to be a part of their lives and i can't wait to see them tomorrow again.

these boys have so much to offer the world...if only they had a chance.