well...

i know it's been a while. i'm back from peru now and christmas is over so i have some time to think. i thought it would be weird coming back. i was excited and ready, but it was hard to leave. here's a journal entry from my last night in lima:

"i said goodbye tonight--goodbye to people i thought i only knew as distant friends. i said goodbye to women, to children, to men. i said goodbye to a familiar street corner, to an unforgettable smell, to the city lights. i said goodbye to a lifestyle. when i said hello four months ago, i heard no response. three months ago there was still silence. two months ago i heard a whisper. but tonight, i said goodbye, and instead of the echo of my own voice, i heard 'don't go.'
for the first time in four months i felt the difference i was. when i saw the look on their faces, i knew. i knew christ had used me in some way...to show them his love. somewhere at some point in the last four months, my presence made a difference. tonight, those i thought were only distant friends told me i was their family. tonight, those who had never spoke to me before, told me how much i meant to them. tonight, those who didn't care to know me all four months begged me to stay.
tears not only flowed from my eyes, but they fell to the street from those who will miss me...miss this love. friends started crying with us after they realized we were crying for them. i said goodbye and i heard 'don't go'."

i'm in a denial stage right now. my mind's been telling me i never went to peru and everything here is the same. but my heart tells me i was changed forever and my mouth can't put words to it. as i wrestle with what i'm supposed to do with my life now, i remember my friends who live in poverty and i thank the lord for how blessed i am to get to serve them. life is a mystery and all i know right now is that i must do something i love...god is love, so the only thing i can think to do is to serve him with all i have, even if that service is done in silence and struggle. i press on.

the shortness of life

i know sometimes life feels like it's dragging on, but it's really just a blink of an eye. recently i've been thinking a lot about death...mainly because some people i know have died, and i'm close to people here who are in conditions that could quickly lead to death. so needless to say, i've been reminded lately how quickly we can disappear. in a world where time IS our priority, we forget that it's also something we can't control. when we live our lives busy and rushing, always hoping for the next moment, we miss what is happening in the now.

i know this is nothing new, but the now is what makes the next moment worth living. can you imagine if we really could just be in this moment without making a list of all the things we need to do next in our minds? can you imagine if we were observant to what was going on around us and the needs of others? can you imagine if we loved with all we had at that very moment? can you imagine if we took the time to see jesus in the face of each person we came in contact with in that moment?

as i finish my time here, my prayer is that i'll be here...be here in mind, in spirit, in my whole being. as i'm reminded that tomorrow is not guaranteed, i am challenged to see what is around me and to find a way to love and enjoy it. even in the hardest moments that we endure, we can't compare our suffering to that of our lord's. i'm learning to celebrate life...even when it's tough.

i'm really excited to come home and be with my family and experience once again the comforts of my home and atmosphere. but the last thing i want to do is miss this. so here i am. living simply this beautiful life.

touching the clouds

i just returned from my trip to bolivia and lake titicaca. i have to say it was the most beautiful sight on earth...that i've seen so far. the Andes mountains took my breath away and lake titicaca was better than an oasis in a desert. for people who can never decide between the beach or the mountains, lake titicaca is the place to be because it's an ocean in the middle of a bunch of mountains.

one evening we climbed a mountain, which overlooks the lake and has the stations of the cross on the hike up. it was the most intense hike ever. as i walked up the mountain and read each station, i contemplated on the passion of our christ. taking breaks on the way up and overlooking the lake or the city behind us was really unbelievable. to know that the god of the universe created that view for me to enjoy just blew my mind...then contemplating on his sacrifice for me blew my mind even more. when we made it to the top of the mountain, our group of 11 read vesper prayers as the sun set. as soon as we finished the wind picked up and the clouds grew dark. we prayed it wouldn't start raining until we got back to the hostel...sure enough, it didn't.

our trip has too many things that happened to explain in this blog, but i'll give you a few. we all got sick (and some of us are still sick), i got my knitting needles taken away from me at the airport, we got left behind by our bus on the bolivian-peruvian border, and much more. we visited our friends in bolivia who are also part of Word Made Flesh. their ministry is in El Alto, right outside of La Paz, and they minister to our friends who prostitute. they have a center one block away from the redlight district. i learned a lot about their ministry and god really broke my heart while i was there. i met a woman who had been a prostitute for 30 years and is now living with two of the missionaries there and has completely changed her life around. she reminded me of my friend from L.A. who has a very similar story. it was amazing to hear more about the redemption of our lord.

another thing that really stuck out during the trip was how the shoe shiners differed from bolivia to peru. the shoe shiners in bolivia are seen as the lowest people in society. they wear ski masks to cover their faces while they shine shoes. it was so sad to see so many people ashamed of their jobs, jobs that keep them alive, jobs that are a service to tourists and people with shoes nice enough to shine...it broke my heart NOT to see their faces. while being here i've learned to put names and faces to poverty because i have met and become friends with so many of those who live in the midst of it. i want to continue to do that, but it's so hard when society tries to cover it (the problem) and them (the faces) up.

now that i'm back in lima and i only have 3 weeks left, i'm trying not to check out. it's been hard to keep my mind and soul focused on the here and now--especially when i'm so excited to come home and see you beautiful people. so prayer for my focus here would be much appreciated. i'm trying to love with all i have for the next 3 weeks and i'm trying to process the last 4 months, but i know that even processing is a process (ha) and it will take a long time. i get back december 16th for all of you who want to know. we watched Elf last night and got me really excited about christmas. god is good and life is short, i'm learning to live it to the fullest. i'm learning to touch the clouds.

retreat with the boys

let me try to break down last week for ya. all of us were burnt out and stressed out before the retreat, but it ended up going really well. we went to a beautiful place called camen, in the middle of a bunch of mountains. there was a river, green trees, beautiful flowers, and an amazing view of the mountains everywhere we looked. the boys seemed to really love it.

we had planned a bunch of activities and games for the boys, but it didn't go exactly as planned. the 3 days we were there ended up being really free. everyone kind of did their own thing. some boys went hiking with some staff, others went down to the river, some did art, and some swam in the swamp pool. it was super amazing to see these kids, who live on the streets and have to watch their backs at all times, relax and get to just be kids for a while. it was really great to get to know the kids a little more and to see their true personalities come out when they were able to kick back. some of my favorite times were just sitting back and watching the boys interact with each other. on the last night we were there, the boys played peruvian hide and go seek...which is a little different from the hide and go seek we know. basically there were 2 people who were it and the goal of the game was to beat the 'it' person back to home base. so basically, all the boys found the worst possible places to hide that were close to home base. we (some staff members and i) were laying on a blanket watching the game, and at one point 4 of the kids jumped on the blanket with us...eventually we figured out that was their 'hiding place'. ha. it was a little bit ridiculous, but super hilarious.

one of my favorite moments was at 8 o'clock in the morning when i was sitting on a rock by myself staring at the mountains, and one of the boys came and sat next to me. we both just marvelled at the beauty of the mountains and sat in silence for a while. then he talked about the jungle where his grandma lives and we just talked for a bit. that moment with him was one that i will never forget. i'm so glad we could both be removed from the noisy streets of lima and just marvel at god's beauty in nature...together.

when the retreat was over, we rode a 2 hr bus ride back to lima. on the way i saw people farming by hand, and by horse and plow. the beauty and simplicity of life here left me in awe for the remainder of the bus ride. it got really difficult when we had to drop the kids off. i knew we could go back to our houses and take showers, eat food, and sleep in a bed, but for the boys, they just were back on the streets. i'm still asking god questions about his justice in this injust world and learning lots. as hard as it was to drop them off back on the streets, i'm so glad and feel so blessed to have had that time with them off the streets where they could experience the beauty of god's creation. i'm so blessed to be a part of their lives and i can't wait to see them tomorrow again.

these boys have so much to offer the world...if only they had a chance.

reaching

i haven't written a lot lately because i just haven't had much to say. living in community has been really frustrating but i've been learning a lot about myself because of it. i feel like god is doing a lot in me while i'm here...in fact, i feel like this trip was less for me to serve others and more for god to really work in my heart on a lot of things.

service looks different every day here. the other day i washed 7 huge blankets by hand for our campamento for the boys. as jess and i washed, we realized that the kids would probably never know we washed these blankets for them. at the time i didn't think anything of it, until we were done. i realized that washing the blankets and not getting recognized for it is the best service there is. i had this odd joy while washing these heavy blankets and all i could do was thank god that i had the opportunity to serve in that manner.

at times when i want to go home and escape community, god reveals to me that it's worth it. it's worth it to love someone who can't love back, it's worth it to do things that are unnoticed but make a difference, it's worth it to stay when everyone else leaves. last night i wrote down a bunch of truths that i feel i don't hear often enough. things i needed to hear, promises i needed to claim as my own. i wrote that i am a child of god and that i can ask anything in christ´s name and be heard by the god of the universe. i just kept on writing...there are so many things that get drowned out by the hum of this busy world. when we forget the truth, it's easy to lose hope. but when we speak truth and fall into god's word, as if it is our world, we remember that time here is only temporary and that god sees our hearts when no one else gets it.

as i seek the lord for my future, i find him calling me to something much more difficult than my time here. i feel him calling me to a life of surrender, daily surrender. i know that the life i live, in community, will be a life of love...but with love comes pain, suffering, joy, and life. i have an opportunity to go to africa for a year after i get back from peru. i'm really wrestling with god on this subject, but i really feel him calling me to the orphans and widows of this world. i feel him calling me wherever he wants me...right now that's peru, soon it is somewhere in the states, and then maybe africa. i know my life will never make sense when following christ...but love doesn't have to make sense, it just needs to be done. i serve a god called love, and love is needed everywhere. i don't need any more reason than that. so as i reach for this love here, i'm being changed and formed and molded. i am in process. reaching for the next step. reaching for him.

update

honestly i am just blogging because i have extra time right now, not because i have much to say. life in lima is wrapping up...it's almost november and i don't know how that happened.

things are starting to speed up and there's a lot of stuff we need to do before we leave here. one being our projects that we have to hand in before we leave. each person on our team has a project that demonstrates what we've learned during our time here or something that will help out the community when we leave. megan and i are working on a project that will help the young mothers and their kids better their relationships...it involves a parenting class. i'll give more details later, when i actually know what the project entails.

we're also planning a campamento for our boys. we're taking some of the boys off the streets and to the mountains...where there is silence, peace, and something these kids have NEVER experienced. i am excited to see what the lord teaches all of us while we're out in nature with him.

i'm very content right now, and i can only attribute that to the joy of our lord. in him, i am finding peace and joy in simple things....even when life here doesn't make sense.

washing clothes on the roof

can i just say how much i love doing laundry by hand on a sunny day in lima? because i do. today the sun came out and i went to the roof and washed my clothes while getting a tan...excellent.

well, life in lima is becoming joyous. i'm really learning a lot and loving the life here right now. today marks the half-way point for me...i've been here a full two months and i only have two left. it doesn't seem possible. this time is really flying but i am excited for the upcoming months. god is teaching me a lot and i'm learning to find joy in really small things. like washing my laundry by hand. i love that everything you do here is a process. it's teaching me patience and i'm learning how to slow down for the first time in a long time.

i don't have much to say right now besides things are great. tomorrow we are having movie day with some of the boys from the street. it's a super hero theme so i'll be watching superman and batman and such with these boys that i love oh so much...what a great day.

mejor

thanks for all the prayers. life in lima is improving drastically. i'm 'mejor' (better. for those of you who don't speak spanish). my health is finally improving and my life isn't so sad. ha.

no, but really, things are great. i am learning a lot and the sun is coming out more frequently. oh, and yesterday i saw the ocean! not that i haven't seen it before, but in a dirty city, the shoreline is a beautiful thing. then, today i had a strawberry smoothie...and it was cold! no drinks are ever cold here in lima, or at least right now because it's still cold outside. so, cold drinks are a treat to me.

god is doing some great things in my heart. i'm still learning a lot about finding joy in brokenness and dark places. my spanish is improving and i really feel at home here. god is good. he is faithful. and i'm excited for the rest of my time here. next week it will be at the half-way mark. i've been here for 2 months...crazy!

sunny sundays

it's saturday, but tomorrow is sunny sunday. apparently in the spring, lima only has sunshine on sundays...so i'm clinging to that cuz today is especially cold.

things are really great right now, hard, but great. i've come to grips with it never being easy to live life here in lima. the trick is learning to find joy in small things and find light in dark places. i really feel like god is opening my eyes to a lot right now. he's showing me how to be joyful and still mourn the suffering of this world.

friday night i went out on the streets again. it was an interesting time because we didn't see too many of 'the regulars' but it was very tranquilo and allowed me time to process. it's easy to feel helpless in dark places like the streets of lima. however, i feel like god's saying it's okay to mourn for our friends on the streets. it's okay to be sad. these kids often times go unnoticed and forgotten...it's as if they are invisible. so if my heart wants to mourn their situations, then yes, it's okay to mourn with them because they need that. they need people to care, they need people to listen to their cries, they need people to be excited with them, to cry with them, to laugh with them--they need people to love them and wrap their arms around them...i feel privileged to get to share the love of god with our friends here.

i'm really excited about everything right now. excited about the ministry here and about what god will do with me when i go home. i'm not sure what i'm going to be doing when i get back to the states, but i feel it's been revealed to me that i won't have a normal job...ever. i am content in whatever circumstances i am dealt...even when they're tough. ah, things are great. and they're even better when the sun is shining. thank god for sunny sundays.

beautifully broken

so, it's been a while since my last post, and A LOT has happened.

i've had a really, really tough time since my birthday...a really rough week.
i felt like god was stripping things away this week. i actually lost a lot...including: my keys, my money, a copy of my passport, my insurance card, my boyfriend, my gloves, my composure, and my mind.

it was one thing after the other. i felt like the lord pulled the rug out from underneath me and i fell hard. wednesday was the culmination of it all when my peruvian family was really upset with me for losing (or having stolen) the keys. then we were 45 minutes late to hang out with the kids in the morning and i just lost it. i had a mini breakdown, but it was so good...and very needed. on top of all this, i am still sick and suffering from flea bites. so overall, this was a really ridiculous week.

BUT the lord is good and in my brokenness i was able to see more of god's faithfulness and love. i really felt like he opened my heart up to being here and to the kids i'm working with here. i've learned more this week than all the time that i've been here. i really feel his presence and peace in my life right now, even in the midst of confusion. as i'm broken from the things of my own life and the things in these kids' lives, i can see more clearly the heart of christ. i love that god comes to serve the sick, poor, and helpless, not the ones who think they are already good enough. this week i was shown that i'll never be good enough and i need to rejoice in the fact that i'm just a ragamuffin here on this earth. there is so much beauty in brokenness, so much love, and so much grace. i hope to be broken more often. the growth and the intimacy with christ that comes from the brokenness is worth all the pain and suffering.

i am blessed when i am hurting. i challenge you to hurt with me and with other brothers and sisters in your midst.

Peruvian birthdays

so, everyone wants to know how my bday was...let me just tell you.

for starters, it was the most memorable birthday i've ever had...and will ever have (possibly).

so,for all of you who don't know, peruvians are big on birthdays...really big. usually, when the clock hits 12 am on your day there is celebration and singing. but my family knew i'd be expecting it, so they decided to do it in the morning instead. so at 7 15 am, my host family came into my room with a bunch of balloons, a gift, and an apple pie with a candle burning. then they sang to me, gave me hugs and kisses, and watched me open my gift. then i got ready for the day (i got a shower on my bday!) and headed to monica's for breakfast.

i had a princess crown waiting for me to wear all day at monica's. we had a wonderful breakfast and then praise and worship.

the afternoon was really low key, but the night was crazy. because it was a friday, we had street night. there is a tradition here in peru that people throw eggs and flour on your head on your bday, so i was trying to avoid that. little did i know, some of the boys in the ministry were plotting against me. so after i had handed out sandwhiches to the boys, i saw some commotion behind me. brian came and took my hood and my hat off and said 'deal with it'. so shortly after that, my friends joined in smashing eggs on my head and then pouring flour on me. i looked like a cake. it was pretty great.

then there were hugs and kisses from everyone on the street. i felt very loved, valued, and celebrated. and i took pictures for all of you who would like to see my head covered in eggs and flour.

i will never forget my 23rd birthday in peru.

hygiene

things that we never think about...1.having fleas.

i used to think of dirty dogs having fleas, now i think of myself...yes, i have fleas. i got fleas from one of my friends' house...which she has fleas too, so i should've known. but anyways, i got fleas about a week and a half ago, then i got a bunch of misquito bites, and i got sick while i was in Cieneguilla. so this entry came from my journal when i was the most uncomfortable...

9.18.07
the point of this entry is not to complain but to recognize how uncomfortable life can be when you're unclean. our friends on the streets and all over the world experience these things and much more every day. they don't have medicine or resources to make them better. they are permanantly uncomfortable.
my mind can easily think back on the things i have quick access to in the states...a shower, a doctor, etc. and my body can easily desire those things right now. but my soul thirsts for something so much deeper.
as i recognize the pain and suffering our friends go through, the suffering of Paul, and most importantly the suffering of Christ, i realize this is nothing compared to the priceless gain of knoing christ jesus.
For even christ 'made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. and in human form he obediently humbled himslef even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross.' phillipians 2:7-8

as i read more of phillipians, i couldn't help but find joy in my uncomfort. i know paul was talking about his accomplishments when he said 'i consider it all as loss' but i use my accomplishments and hardships now when i claim the same thing.
'i once thought all these things were so important, but now i consider them worthless because of what christ has done. yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knoing christ jesus my lord. i have discareded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that i may have christ and become one with him.' phil 3:7-9
wow!
if in this lifetime i have to have fleas, lice, greasy hair, sickeness and much more to be where christ is and to become one with him, i am more than okay with that. if my uncomfort here means someone gets to experience the love of christ, then that's okay too.
as i end this entry, i know two things...1. it can always be worse. and 2. this is not our home so it's not supposed to be comfortable--if it is, something is severely wrong.

since then...

well, it's been a while since my last entry. a lot has gone on since then...a lot.

we went to Cieneguilla saturday through monday and it was just what i needed. i got out of the pollution-filled air and got to see the mountains, the sky, and the stars. oh, and i can't forget the sun. it was beautiful there. we layed by the pool, jumped on the trampoline, and took a walk by the river. i needed a break from lima-life. there was one downfall to the weekend...i got sick on sunday. but being sick brought me to a revelation.

i'll have to share the revelation in depth when i have my journal with me, but for now i'll just tell you a little of what's on my heart.

life here in lima is so different from the states. everything here is a process...it just takes so long. so because of this, it forces you to slow down. i really feel the lord teaching me patience right now and how to be still before him. relationships take a long time to form, food takes a long time to eat, going somewhere takes a long time to actually get there, etc. but this is really good for me. for the first time in my life, i am slowing down. god is opening my eyes to a lot.

yesterday, wednesday (one of my favorites here), was such a good day. some of our friends who we hadn't seen for a while came to menores. we sang songs, did a lesson, prayed together, and then played sports. i got to play american football for a bit yesterday and it was really good for me...since i'm missing football season. anyways, then we played soccer with the kids and it was so good. i really feel like the kids are opening up to us. we joked around on the court and laughed with each other. i really love the fact that the kids can come to 'la flecha' to just be kids and play. they need a break from the streets, so every chance they get is so needed.

speaking of break from the streets...the WMF community here is looking for a building for the ministry. we're trying to purchase one before the end of the year. there is one that is perfect for us, but there are just a few things that could potentially be problems if we purchased it. if you could all pray for wisdom and god's timing with this building, that would be amazing. my hopes is that everything goes smoothly and we purchase the building while our team is still here. that way we can help get it ready for the kids, and the kids will have a place to go. it's really needed.

tomorrow is my bday. and i'm really excited to have a bday in peru. who can say they spent their 23rd bday in lima peru? not many people...except for the peruvians who live here. ha. okay, i'm out.

rough time

so, i'm having a rough week. not sure why, but i feel really removed and desensitized to a lot right now. i have officially been here for a month today, so i am settled and used to the culture. my house feels like home and my family feels like family. i have a routine now and familiar faces and places. but something is just off.

i did visits today and we went to this girls house that was in a really poor area of lima--the outskirts, on the mountain. it was really sad, but i didn't feel anything before, during or after the visit. it's like i know i have compassion...that's one of the things that brought me here, but right now, i just can't feel it.

some of the other people on my team feel a similar way. i really feall like satan is just trying to desensitize us so we won't be as effective. i know that he takes cheap shots like that.

this weekend we are going to Cienegia...the place where the sun shines. we're having a weekend retreat, and i think it will be just what we need. i need to be rejuvenated and rested. i can't believe one month has already passed by. the last thing i want to do is get to the end of my time here and look back saying, 'i wish i would've done more.'

the thing is, i feel like it's okay to be where i'm at right now...spiritually, and mentally, because i know god values honesty. i'm not gonna pretend like things affect me when they don't, i'm just gonna wait until god reveals to me why i do or don't feel a specific way about the things that i am seeing and experiencing. it is a process being here...day by day, moment by moment--just as life is a process. i know my heart is being transformed even when i can't feel it. god is mysterious like that.

crazy nights

i went to the streets last night for the first time. it was crazy. every friday night we rotate people who stay at the church and pray and those who go out and feed the kids sandwiches and pray with them. last night i went out.

i didn't really know what to expect except for the fact that a lot of people would be high (huffing glue) and that we'd see some of the kids we know. as soon as we hit the streets i saw a lot of stuff that broke my heart. almost all the kids were high...really high, and really young. that was super tough to see.

this new kid came up to me and introduced himself and then we played thumb wars for a while. i felt like god was using me in order to allow this kid to be a kid for just a second on such a harsh night. then there were the little ones...and when i say little, i mean like 7 months old to 3 years old. they broke my heart by just looking at them and knowing their home is on the street. this little boy fell down and was crying so i held him for about 10 minutes and tried to console him. he continued to cry and then we found his mom and the second he saw her he stopped crying. all he needed was some lovin' from his momma. the thing is, those kids are passed around so much, and a lot of the times the parents are getting high, so the kids never get the love and attention they deserve. it's tough to see.

stuff got crazy a little later on. the cops showed up and went after this girl. girls just started throwing (literally) their babies at us and running away from the cops. i had this baby girl in my hands while i watched the cops drag this girl off the streets. finally stuff settled down and people dispursed and went their own ways (and the mom came and got her baby from me), but it hit me...this kind of stuff happens EVERY night. there is no security, no consistency, no comfort in the streets. satan has his name on so many streets here in lima, and it is so dark...BUT god is changing hearts and lives every day, it's just harder to see.

we sang a couple worship songs with the kids and prayed in groups before we handed out food. it was so evident that god was in the midst of it all. people closed their eyes and worshiped, sang as loud as they could, and just really enjoyed that moment. it's so clear to see that these people long for love and change. they long for the love of god to touch them daily.

i'm still processing this all, but the way i feel now is helpless. i really can't do much to change the circumstances of the people here, i can barely speak to them. i can however be there for them. and that's exactly what i'm doing...i'm here.

holding hands

so, i'm really starting to love wednesdays. every wednesday we have 'menores'which is time with the boys from the street. this morning we played some games, sang some worship songs, prayed in small groups, and played soccer. there were two new boys i hadn't met yet...they were both younger and absolutely adorable. i got to pray in a group with them and another volunteer. as we prayed, we held hands. the little boys rubbed my hands during the prayer and it made me want to cry. i felt so privileged to get to hold their hands because these kids usually are so distant.

it was beautiful.

when we played soccer (which i am not great at...compared to these kids) one of the boys remembered my name and wanted me to play with him. i know that is small, but it's a big deal coming from these boys and it was just great.

i really feel like god is opening their hearts to us and our to them. i can't even imagine how much i will love these kids at the end of four months. god is so good. these kids are precious. and i'm here experiencing it all. i am so blessed.

things about lima

a few things about lima you may not know...

1. there are no rules when driving here. (there are rules, but no one follows them) the other day i was riding in the bus, another bus beside us decided to get into our lane as we got into their lane, my bus took off the other bus' mirror...right by my head...good times.
also, bus drivers are known to stop the bus in the middle of the road, get out and start fights with taxi drivers. then, they get back on the bus and drive like crazy to the destination.

2. the sun doesn't shine here in the winter. (and when it does, we are VERY happy)

3. if you are a girl, you WILL get whistled at...all day long.

4. arroz con pollo (rice with chicken) is everywhere, every meal, every day. (this is good for me because i love chicken, but if you don't, you can't eat)

5. even if you speak fluent spanish and you are white, peruvians pretend like they don't understand you to make the situation awkward...it's great.

some days i feel like i've been here forever, and other days i can't believe i've been here for over 2 weeks. i know that the time here will fly and i will be sad to leave, so i'm trying to soak it all up--even on days i don't feel like it. i haven't had too many of those days however, so that's good. i have to be reminded that i am here for 4 months though, because it still hasn't sunk in.

the culture here is very laid back...sometimes that means i'm bored. so, i've decided to pick up some hobbies. marissa, my 'sister', will be teaching me how to croche and knit...oddly, i am really excited. most of the time, if i'm not doing ministry or in a meeting, i'm with my family goofing around, eating, or in my room freezing and reading la biblia.

i have discovered i love receiving mail too, so if any of you feel led to write me a letter...please do. i will be so happy!

the sun

the sun is shining today...for the first time since i got to peru...and i love it. it is making for a happy day.

we start tutoring this week and i'm really excited to improve my spanish skills and to really understand what people are saying. life is so good right now. i really couldn't ask for more. god is blessing me right and left and i don't even know what to do with it, except for praise him.

it's really starting to feel like home here, and i like that feeling (since i will be here for 4 months and all). things are great. the sun is out. god is good. yay!

solidarity walk

today was, by far, the greatest day yet. we got up early and did a solidarity walk. we took a taxi to starbucks in the 'nice' area of lima, and walked from there. the purpose of the walk was to symbolize our choice of walking away from things that we have in america and choosing solidarity with the poor (aka walking towards where we work).

i noticed a lot of stuff and journaled about it all but i really want to share just a few things. here are some snippits from my journal about the walk:

i feel like everywhere i go there will always be extremes. people spending 9 soles on a cup of coffee at starbucks and people starving and living on the street next to them. there is evil in this world and injustice is present always, but god is still good and is glorified when we choose to take a step in the right direction--when we choose to lessen the gap of those extremes.

about the transition from 'nice' to 'poor':
observing the area we are in now, i see graffiti, stray dogs, poop on the streets, etc. there (in the nice area), there was nothing like that...even the stray dogs know not to go there. they know they're not welcome and that there's nothing to offer them there.

even the smells are different in these two areas. the air in mira flores (nice part) wasn't fresh, but had no smell at all...it was stagnant. the air in la victoria however, smells of urine, trash, sweat, and pollution. the smell here is constantly changing as you walk. but the thing is, the smells are a direct representation of the life in these places. here, in the poor area, daily life is up and down...a constant battle. it's not knowing when your next meal is or where you're sleeping tonight. but there, in the nice area, people live in security and comfort, always knowing what's next...it's a stagnant and stale life...just like the air.

my last entry...it's about a park that they changed to keep out the 'bad kids'. they put a huge fence around it and gave it a facelift. they now have guards at the ONE entrance, and only certain people...the right people...can enter:
i feel like this park is how some people view christianity and the kingdom sometimes. it's beautiful and ment to bring joy and love, but it's been fenced off and there is only one way in. it's an obstacle now to get in, and there are stipulations (what clothes you wear, your skin color, etc.). sometimes we make the kingdom of god seem that way too...'until you get your act cleaned up and go through all the obstacles, you cannot enter.' when really god is saying, 'come as you are, climb the fence to get in, i don't care what you wear or what you've done, just come running to me and see the beauty and joy and love that is everlasting.'

expectations

when i was preparing to come to peru, i had no expectations...or that's what i thought. i didn't really know what life here would be like. now that i've been here for a week, i am forming new expectations and goals.

my emotions have been weird lately. i don't really feel like i'm in a different country right now, i'm kinda detached and i'm not sure what to think about things. it might just be a stage...a transition stage, but i fully expect to have ups and downs while i'm here.

i expect to be broken and to be joyful. i expect to be sad one minute and excited the next. i expect this to be the worst and the best time of my life. i expect to be frustrated with the language...which i already am. i don't expect life here to be easy, but i do expect it to be simple. i expect god to reveal himself in the most interesting places and to teach me things i never knew i needed to learn. i expect to cry...a lot. i expect to experience community in a way i never knew existed.

i have goals of learning god's will for my life when i return to the states. increasing the strength of my prayer life. learning how to be raw and real with everyone. sharing in solidarity with the poor. increasing my knowledge of spanish. and much more.

i'm here...in the now...ready for ups and downs. even when i don't understand (literally and mentally) all i can do is praise god...because i'm here. he brought me here, and i don't wanna be anywhere else in the world. there is no other place to be besides in his will.

no words

i don't have words for what i just experienced. this morning we did visitas (which is staff visiting the kids' houses who have gotten off the streets). i had no idea what to expect, but when i got there i was speechless.

this girl, her husband, and their 3 yr old son live in a one room shack. it was kinda like the projects, but with dirt floors, tin walls and roofs, and sheets for the inner walls. it was so simple, yet just what they needed to survive. i am still processing, so i really don't have much more to say about it yet. i don't even know what to say. all i know is that it just doesn't make sense that people live like this (and much worse than this) when we are living in excess in america.

i'll get back to this later.

a moment

a had a moment last night. i was standing on the rooftop, listening to worship music and looking at the city of lima. i freaked out because i realized where i was at for the first time. i couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that my god brought me here. it brought me to tears. i feel so privileged and blessed to be here and i can't wait to see what the lord will do during this time.

thank you all who supported me and believed in me and what god is doing in my life. i wouldn't be here without you all. it is just as much a testimony of you as supporters as it is of me being here.

i can't wait to spend many more nights on my rooftop, looking over a city of 9 million people, crying for the city and for god's heart for the people here, and just growing in intimacy with christ.

church

so, i went to church yesterday...and it was very american. the church i went to was called calvary chapel and was started by a man from california. the coolest thing was the worship. they were singing songs i knew in english, but obviously they were singing them in spanish. i thought the coolest thing was realizing that every sunday in every country people worship in different languages to the SAME god...it gave me goosebumps!

i was super worried about not understanding what the service was about because of the language barrier, but luckily, a pastor from the states was there and they had a bilingual service. it was great.

i really feel blessed here. it's not what i thought it would be like. i am living in simplicity, but i still have plenty. i'll explain more later. i'm at an internet cafe and my time is out.

finally here

friends, i'm finally here and i can't believe it. after all the earthquakes and flight craziness, i didn't think i'd get here...but god is good and here i am. let me just start off by saying thank you all for your prayers. my travel, although delayed and rushed at times, couldn't have gone better.

i met an amazing christian man named Ray on the plane and he was such a blessing--since the other girls missed the flight, i was the only one who arrived--so ray was a blessing. it's funny how god takes care of every detail.

i love love love the people i have met so far. my team is great and the staff is amazing. also, i live with a host family--the Cordova's--and they are the cutest people i have ever met. my living arrangements are wonderful--i have a room at the top of the stairs that i share with my teammate megan. it is more than i could ask for and i have plenty of room...i don't feel like i'm intruding either, so that's a plus.

i just feel so blessed every second of every day. just being able to be here and learn the culture is a blessing. the first day i was really out of my realm and all that spanish i thought i knew did NOTHING for me. so that was my biggest prayer request--and still is--but the next day, god gave me the opportunity to practice my spanish with one of the peruvian staff members and i grew in confidence a ton. i am now super excited to perfect my spanish and really be immersed in the culture.

we don't really have much of a schedule yet because the rest of the girls got here last night at 2 am and we're all still adjusting. we did however have orientation today and learned a lot about what we'll be doing...and i can't wait.

i guess my biggest prayer requests are the language barrier, healing for the people in the earthquake, and that god would be able to use us in whatever way possible. speaking of earthquakes...there has been 2 aftershocks since i've been here...i slept right through the first one and then the one last night was awesome...really long, but not scary.

i know some people might have thought-or still think-that i'm crazy for being here or coming here without knowing what i was getting into. BUT honestly god has taken care of every detail...and he has allowed me to not have expectations, which i feel is the best way to go into things anyways. i had no expectations of where i was sleeping, but i was prepared to sleep on the floor, and instead i was provided my own room with a bed and plenty of space for my stuff. god is so good. i'm starting to realize he will take care of me no matter where i'm at. when i'm in his will, he WANTS to give me the desires of my heart...and his. it's so great. ok, more later. but for now, hasta luego.

much love.

i am blown away

so, mom just had a graduation/going-away party for me tonight and i was blown away by the turn-out. i was so humbled to know that all these people showed up for me. it was so good to see people and get to share with them what god is doing in my life right now.

after everybody left, i sat down to read the cards i got. i don't even have words to express how i felt tonight. i am so humbled that people, who have already given so much to me, would give me even more. i guess i was so focused on peru and the fact that i'm leaving in 4 days that i kinda forgot this was even a graduation party. as i opened cards and saw money, i was taken by surprise. god has been so unbelievably good to me in always providing more than enough, and tonight it finally hit me how blessed i truly am.

here i am, sitting with all these people who love me, receiving money and gifts and love, while there are children in Peru who don't even get to eat. i was so humbled...more than i've ever been i think. i can't even wait to go to peru and give these kids and these people the love that i experience every day. i am blessed beyond belief and now all i want to do is be a blessing.

i hate goodbyes

well, i just had my first hard goodbye. thus far i've just been ignoring the fact that i won't see some people for 4 months...and others for much longer. i've been leaving it as "okay, see you soon," all the while knowing soon really means many months from now.

i'm really excited to go, but this might be a bit harder than expected. i'm pretty sure i'll be shedding tears tomorrow and throughout the course of my last week here.

my mom is throwing a going-away/graduation party for me tomorrow. stuff is starting to get real and it's weird. i know 4 months isn't that long, but someone put it in terms of a third of my year...it sounds much longer that way, and therefore makes saying goodbye to people i love a little harder. tomorrow should be interesting because i think it'll be another reality check. it dawned on me the other day that i'm no longer in school and won't be doing school when i get back. for the first time in my life i don't have definite plans when i return. it kinda freaks me out and excites me at the same time.

i was talking to a friend the other day about how i love it when we leave "ROOM" for god to work in our lives. he has plenty of ROOM to work in my life now and when i return. following christ is never boring...ever--it's just a bit scary and REALLY exciting. i wouldn't wanna be anybody else right now. goodbyes can be sad, but when i realize how much i'll gain while i'm gone and how sweet the hello's will be when i return, i just smile.

one week

i leave in a week. i almost peed my pants just saying that. i'm so ready, yet i'm enjoying every second i get here in hastings, nebraska.

god is everywhere to me right now. i went running this morning and i couldn't stop smiling because i was just so filled with joy. the blue sky, green grass, and feel of my feet on the pavement all screamed his name...loud, real loud.

i don't even know how to explain the joy and peace and rest i've been experiencing in him. i'm at a point in my life where trusting god is like an addiction to me...the more i trust, the more room i leave for him to work, the more trust i want to have. it just keeps getting better.

life doesn't get any better than this. i know i'm about to experience pain, sorrow, desparation, and injustice in peru. even then i will praise god. he is faithful and good and that never changes.
"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands." Psalm 63:3-4
i'm clinging to that verse now...and in a week when all i see is the sadness of this world.

oh, so good.

San Diego/Vegas

Well, i just got back from San Diego and Vegas and i had a blast. my prayer while i was there was that god would open my eyes to see the ridiculous luxury we have here in America. he definitely did that for me. i felt so blessed to just get to experience things like SeaWorld (a ticket to get in was $60) and even just the beach. i was telling a friend today that the beach for me was something relaxing--a vacation, but for any homeless person out there, the beach is just another place to go to take a nap or escape from this harsh life.

it amazes me that there is so much money in california alone, and there are people starving all over the world. there needs to be a radical re-distribution of wealth in this life, but before that can happen people's hearts must be changed. i'm beginning to see how beautiful simplicity can be and i'm wanting more of it. i'm also starting to realize the life i want is one that will be uncomfortable. i don't want to work a 9-5 job and i don't want to know what i'm doing a year from now. i want to be challenged and stretched and forced to trust god with every bone in my body.

as i prepare for peru, i can't help but think about how different it'll be when i get back to the states after living away for a third of the year. as i pray about what to do with my life when i return, i see myself in cali. for some reason my heart has been there since the first time i visited in L.A. and saw god at work everywhere. i'm not saying i'm opposed to living anywhere else when i get back, but i can say that god has given me a heart for the people of california and the work that he is doing there.

as life flies by quickly, i find myself enjoying it more and more every day. i catch myself smiling for no reason and i know the only thing that explains it is the joy of christ.

a friend asked me if i am ready for peru last night. i've been ready to go for a long time, but it would be stupid of me to think that i CAN be ready for what god's about to do. i am about to be humbled. my world is about to be rocked, and there's no possible way to prepare for that. so we'll just say, i'm as ready as i'm gonna be.

there's 17 days left here in the U.S. and the only word that comes to mind about my time here is how absolutely BLESSED i am.

Preparation for Peru

well, i'm moved out of my house. i sold everything i own, except for my bed, my computer, and some clothes. i've started living out of my suitcase and that won't change for the next 5 months. i'm ready.

god's doing some sweet stuff in my life but i'm not sure what it means yet. i'm excited to find out though. this week i'm going on vacation to san diego and las vegas. it will be my last "American" thing to do before i leave the country.

for all of you who want to keep in touch while i'm gone, this is probably the best way. i'll be on here as often as i can to update you all on what god is doing in my life. i know he'll do big things and i can't wait to share it with you all.