reaching

i haven't written a lot lately because i just haven't had much to say. living in community has been really frustrating but i've been learning a lot about myself because of it. i feel like god is doing a lot in me while i'm here...in fact, i feel like this trip was less for me to serve others and more for god to really work in my heart on a lot of things.

service looks different every day here. the other day i washed 7 huge blankets by hand for our campamento for the boys. as jess and i washed, we realized that the kids would probably never know we washed these blankets for them. at the time i didn't think anything of it, until we were done. i realized that washing the blankets and not getting recognized for it is the best service there is. i had this odd joy while washing these heavy blankets and all i could do was thank god that i had the opportunity to serve in that manner.

at times when i want to go home and escape community, god reveals to me that it's worth it. it's worth it to love someone who can't love back, it's worth it to do things that are unnoticed but make a difference, it's worth it to stay when everyone else leaves. last night i wrote down a bunch of truths that i feel i don't hear often enough. things i needed to hear, promises i needed to claim as my own. i wrote that i am a child of god and that i can ask anything in christ´s name and be heard by the god of the universe. i just kept on writing...there are so many things that get drowned out by the hum of this busy world. when we forget the truth, it's easy to lose hope. but when we speak truth and fall into god's word, as if it is our world, we remember that time here is only temporary and that god sees our hearts when no one else gets it.

as i seek the lord for my future, i find him calling me to something much more difficult than my time here. i feel him calling me to a life of surrender, daily surrender. i know that the life i live, in community, will be a life of love...but with love comes pain, suffering, joy, and life. i have an opportunity to go to africa for a year after i get back from peru. i'm really wrestling with god on this subject, but i really feel him calling me to the orphans and widows of this world. i feel him calling me wherever he wants me...right now that's peru, soon it is somewhere in the states, and then maybe africa. i know my life will never make sense when following christ...but love doesn't have to make sense, it just needs to be done. i serve a god called love, and love is needed everywhere. i don't need any more reason than that. so as i reach for this love here, i'm being changed and formed and molded. i am in process. reaching for the next step. reaching for him.