yep!

i'm going to be a writer. i've been reading a book recently and i realized today that i could write something more interesting. if i want to, i can be a writer. and i'm starting to believe that i want to. i'm writing a fun story about magical mittens and a relationship between a mother and daughter right now. that's my fun project.

but i'm also writing a book on life. i really think i can do this, and i'm starting to get excited. i'm starting to have dreams again. i feel a passion coming back.

here's an excerpt from the mitten story...it's still in progress so if you want the rest, you'll have to wait.

--Glittens. That’s what she called them. They were gloves, but yet they were mittens. She made sure to take them everywhere she went. Even in the summer, Ella wore her ‘glittens’.

They were yellow with bright green, turquoise, and mint green designs knitted neatly into the middle. The ‘mitten’ part folded over the halfway covered gloved fingers—just the four of them. The thumb had a ‘glitten’ of its own. There was a slit in the middle of the thumb, right where the crease is in the skin. And whenever Ella wanted to free her opposable digit, she just bent and slid, and it popped right out—naked as ever. The ‘glittens’ were hers’ and they were magnificent!--

i'm going to write, and inspire. yep. i am.

wrestling

another day of wrestling with myself came and went. as i survive in this period of life called 'life after college for non-traditional graduates like me', i search for answers. i still don't know who i am...what i want...what my purpose is...where my place is...and so much more.

i'm living in a battle. one day their is victory, the next casualty...but each night i return to the homestead to face another day of unknowns. i'm up and down, enjoying this time and hating this time. on days i really evaluate myself, i don't like who i am. on days i remember who i was before peru, i have hope in being that passionate person once again.

i feel like things are rough right now for a reason. i have no money. my car is slowly but surely breaking down. my computer is acting up. my bills are piling up. the responsibilities of being an 'adult' (whatever that is) are taking a toll on my peace. the realities of the harshness of life wear on me daily.

i know my god has not forsaken me. i know he loves me and calls me to himself. BUT, i'm lingering alone. something is holding me back. i'm weary to take that step toward him. i know my life is not terrible by any means. i am blessed beyond belief...but that doesn't mean i still don't wrestle with this life i've been given. when i put things into perspective...a world perspective...where people are dying of hunger and war, i feel thankful for this life i was born into. i am continually learning life on this earth is horrible, and the only way to make it bearable is to live in love with one another and with our maker. but what happens when you feel alone? when you choose not to live and love with one another? you quickly become miserable and discouraged.

this all sounds worse than it really is. i'm fine. i just have a lot of questions. i have confidence that the lord has big plans for my life, and even when i don't get answers, i'll still be able to live the life he's called me to with joy and hope. i'm wrestling with myself and my god. but who said wrestling wasn't a good thing?

being sexy on the inside...

i feel a little bi-polar these days...one i'm up, the next i'm down. i don't know what i want out of life right now and most of the time, that consumes my mind. i try and try to figure out my passion, my love, my purpose, and i get nothing. on the days i'm up, i think it's because i get caught in a moment that reminds me i DO have purpose and my passion comes alive. then those moments fade and i'm back to reality...the reality that life is hard.

i don't know how i got here. i used to be such an optimist, and i truly believe it'll come back, but right now i'm a skeptic. i'm not happy with who i am at this moment. i know it's okay to say that because i know it won't always be that way, and it never really was like that before, but right now...i'm stuck. i used to love who i was and what god was doing with me, but i just can't see it right now. i don't love who i am because i don't know who i am. i can still claim some pretty big promises though, while i try to figure out who i am. i know the lord loves me with all my flaws and failures. i know that i have purpose in christ. i know that i've been called and chosen. i know i'm redeemed. i know i'm forgiven. i know i am blessed. and i know this too shall pass...it always does.

the lord has never failed me...ever. i look back at my prayer journals and remember past prayers and i see that so far, most have been answered (besides the ones still pending). god has answered my prayers in his own time and way...and his way has always been better than mine. so i have faith that although i'm searching my soul right now, so is he. and he knows my heart better than i do. he knows my deepest desires and he'll reveal them to me when i'm ready. it's a weird thing not knowing who you are or what you want, especially when you once knew both. but, i believe that not knowing right now is what has to happen in order to be rebuilt. reworked. rewired. reinvented.

so right now, my first priority is being sexy on the inside. and that only comes with knowing my creator more intimately. if i understand his love for me, i'll surely develop a love and respect for myself...right?

words coming to life

i crave words sometimes. words are a powerful thing and a work of art when they're put together, taken apart and rearranged. i've been craving words lately. words that will fulfill. i started reading a few minutes ago and my mind wasn't satisfied. usually, when i start a new book, i just can't get enough. but not today. today the words want to fall out instead of flow in.

we do, as people, crave affirmation. affirmation through words and actions. and often, through that affirmation, we receive love...which is what we live for. i'm not sure where this is going, but my mind is overflowing with things that need to be translated into complete thoughts.

i'm trying to figure out who i am right now. i once thought i knew, but now i feel like i'm changing every day. my passions, my desires and my perspectives are not what they once were. i'm up and i'm down, i'm back and i'm forth, yet i'm still here. i see people all over, living their own lives, going their separate ways. yet i am reminded daily of how we are all the same. i was reminded last night of the typical child around the world. when i was on the bus in peru, a little girl asked her mother 'Mama, cuantos minutos falta?' every five minutes. that translates to 'mom, how much longer' or the famous 'are we there yet'. those small words created in me a realization that i wish all people would have. everywhere around the world, people are doing the same thing. they may speak a different language, have a different culture, have different dreams, but they, WE, are all the same. we all sleep, eat, and survive this thing called life every day.

so, if we are all the same, why is it that some are treated like animals...some are invisible...some are forgotten...some are beaten. i am slowly figuring out that my passion is for people. i want to find a way to love harder, speak stronger, and live louder. i desire for equals to be treated as equals. i desire for words we hear and speak to come alive.

the spectrum...

as i've been processing my experience in peru, i'm learning about the spectrum of christian community and the role it plays in my life. i had a really amazing experience in L.A. two and a half years ago. i had great christian community with unity like never before. i experienced miracles. i fell in love with diversity. i embraced brokenness. i felt the word come alive. i made lifelong friends. and i felt more alive there than ever before.

with my experience in peru, i felt a lot of the opposite. i learned how hard community can be and how satan creates disunity when we let him. i learned how ugly we can be, even as christians. i didn't see miracles, but i saw service behind the curtains. i had a hard time finding hope in the midst of discouragement.

my point is, because i've been at both ends of the spectrum, i now know where the middle is...and i feel like i have a truer perspective on christianity. when christ died for our sins so we could experience true love, joy, peace, and all the amazing things that come with eternal life, he also brought us pain, brokenness, suffering and all the things that come with earthly life. being a christian doesn't mean life is better or easier. in fact, when we pick up our cross and carry it, life is even harder. the only difference between a christian and a non-christian is hope. when we suffer, when we lose, when we fail...we have hope of a better life to come. we have hope of spending eternity with our savior.

i'm wrestling with finding joy and contentment in this place right now. i may search and seek for something more every day. i may travel the world in search of answers to life. i may have my wildest dreams come true. BUT nothing, absolutely nothing, will satisfy me the way only christ can. i must remind myself of this daily. otherwise i'll continue to search and come up empty over and over again.

this blog is no longer called peru '07...

it's no longer 2007, nor am i in peru, so it's a new season of life. a fresh start.

this year has started off different than any year before. i've always had school as a constant in my life and now that that constant is gone, i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. i just moved back to lincoln to live with one of my best friends and her family. i'm searching for jobs and looking for answers to life...yet i find none.

i listened to a sermon today on the cross being our anchor of hope. basically, he (louie giglio) spoke on when we hit rock bottom, even as christians, the cross of christ is our only hope. things may continue to not make sense and continue to hurt like hell, but if we set our eyes on the cross, we realize christ went through pain and suffering too...and he conquered the world. life sucks, but it's also a very beautiful thing. when i have questions that never get answered, all i can do is trust that they don't need answers right now. i'll never understand why this earth is the way that it is, but i will always know that i am loved by the king of kings, and that gives me value.