another day of wrestling with myself came and went. as i survive in this period of life called 'life after college for non-traditional graduates like me', i search for answers. i still don't know who i am...what i want...what my purpose is...where my place is...and so much more.
i'm living in a battle. one day their is victory, the next casualty...but each night i return to the homestead to face another day of unknowns. i'm up and down, enjoying this time and hating this time. on days i really evaluate myself, i don't like who i am. on days i remember who i was before peru, i have hope in being that passionate person once again.
i feel like things are rough right now for a reason. i have no money. my car is slowly but surely breaking down. my computer is acting up. my bills are piling up. the responsibilities of being an 'adult' (whatever that is) are taking a toll on my peace. the realities of the harshness of life wear on me daily.
i know my god has not forsaken me. i know he loves me and calls me to himself. BUT, i'm lingering alone. something is holding me back. i'm weary to take that step toward him. i know my life is not terrible by any means. i am blessed beyond belief...but that doesn't mean i still don't wrestle with this life i've been given. when i put things into perspective...a world perspective...where people are dying of hunger and war, i feel thankful for this life i was born into. i am continually learning life on this earth is horrible, and the only way to make it bearable is to live in love with one another and with our maker. but what happens when you feel alone? when you choose not to live and love with one another? you quickly become miserable and discouraged.
this all sounds worse than it really is. i'm fine. i just have a lot of questions. i have confidence that the lord has big plans for my life, and even when i don't get answers, i'll still be able to live the life he's called me to with joy and hope. i'm wrestling with myself and my god. but who said wrestling wasn't a good thing?
10 Year Anniversary!
2 years ago
1 comment:
I have been wrestling as well!!! Are we on the same team? We should be. I feel these things...these EXACT things. Just ask Nate- he's heard my endless rambling as I try to figure out who, where, why, what next? It's this stage, girl. Did you have a false hope that you'd "have it all figured out"? I did....how foolish!
I'm here. If you need to vent or talk through things, I probably do too. Call me. :) I'll come over in my suit with a bottle of wine. We can figure out our lives in the hot tub. :) Love you, girl!
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