being sexy on the inside...

i feel a little bi-polar these days...one i'm up, the next i'm down. i don't know what i want out of life right now and most of the time, that consumes my mind. i try and try to figure out my passion, my love, my purpose, and i get nothing. on the days i'm up, i think it's because i get caught in a moment that reminds me i DO have purpose and my passion comes alive. then those moments fade and i'm back to reality...the reality that life is hard.

i don't know how i got here. i used to be such an optimist, and i truly believe it'll come back, but right now i'm a skeptic. i'm not happy with who i am at this moment. i know it's okay to say that because i know it won't always be that way, and it never really was like that before, but right now...i'm stuck. i used to love who i was and what god was doing with me, but i just can't see it right now. i don't love who i am because i don't know who i am. i can still claim some pretty big promises though, while i try to figure out who i am. i know the lord loves me with all my flaws and failures. i know that i have purpose in christ. i know that i've been called and chosen. i know i'm redeemed. i know i'm forgiven. i know i am blessed. and i know this too shall pass...it always does.

the lord has never failed me...ever. i look back at my prayer journals and remember past prayers and i see that so far, most have been answered (besides the ones still pending). god has answered my prayers in his own time and way...and his way has always been better than mine. so i have faith that although i'm searching my soul right now, so is he. and he knows my heart better than i do. he knows my deepest desires and he'll reveal them to me when i'm ready. it's a weird thing not knowing who you are or what you want, especially when you once knew both. but, i believe that not knowing right now is what has to happen in order to be rebuilt. reworked. rewired. reinvented.

so right now, my first priority is being sexy on the inside. and that only comes with knowing my creator more intimately. if i understand his love for me, i'll surely develop a love and respect for myself...right?