beautifully broken

so, it's been a while since my last post, and A LOT has happened.

i've had a really, really tough time since my birthday...a really rough week.
i felt like god was stripping things away this week. i actually lost a lot...including: my keys, my money, a copy of my passport, my insurance card, my boyfriend, my gloves, my composure, and my mind.

it was one thing after the other. i felt like the lord pulled the rug out from underneath me and i fell hard. wednesday was the culmination of it all when my peruvian family was really upset with me for losing (or having stolen) the keys. then we were 45 minutes late to hang out with the kids in the morning and i just lost it. i had a mini breakdown, but it was so good...and very needed. on top of all this, i am still sick and suffering from flea bites. so overall, this was a really ridiculous week.

BUT the lord is good and in my brokenness i was able to see more of god's faithfulness and love. i really felt like he opened my heart up to being here and to the kids i'm working with here. i've learned more this week than all the time that i've been here. i really feel his presence and peace in my life right now, even in the midst of confusion. as i'm broken from the things of my own life and the things in these kids' lives, i can see more clearly the heart of christ. i love that god comes to serve the sick, poor, and helpless, not the ones who think they are already good enough. this week i was shown that i'll never be good enough and i need to rejoice in the fact that i'm just a ragamuffin here on this earth. there is so much beauty in brokenness, so much love, and so much grace. i hope to be broken more often. the growth and the intimacy with christ that comes from the brokenness is worth all the pain and suffering.

i am blessed when i am hurting. i challenge you to hurt with me and with other brothers and sisters in your midst.

Peruvian birthdays

so, everyone wants to know how my bday was...let me just tell you.

for starters, it was the most memorable birthday i've ever had...and will ever have (possibly).

so,for all of you who don't know, peruvians are big on birthdays...really big. usually, when the clock hits 12 am on your day there is celebration and singing. but my family knew i'd be expecting it, so they decided to do it in the morning instead. so at 7 15 am, my host family came into my room with a bunch of balloons, a gift, and an apple pie with a candle burning. then they sang to me, gave me hugs and kisses, and watched me open my gift. then i got ready for the day (i got a shower on my bday!) and headed to monica's for breakfast.

i had a princess crown waiting for me to wear all day at monica's. we had a wonderful breakfast and then praise and worship.

the afternoon was really low key, but the night was crazy. because it was a friday, we had street night. there is a tradition here in peru that people throw eggs and flour on your head on your bday, so i was trying to avoid that. little did i know, some of the boys in the ministry were plotting against me. so after i had handed out sandwhiches to the boys, i saw some commotion behind me. brian came and took my hood and my hat off and said 'deal with it'. so shortly after that, my friends joined in smashing eggs on my head and then pouring flour on me. i looked like a cake. it was pretty great.

then there were hugs and kisses from everyone on the street. i felt very loved, valued, and celebrated. and i took pictures for all of you who would like to see my head covered in eggs and flour.

i will never forget my 23rd birthday in peru.

hygiene

things that we never think about...1.having fleas.

i used to think of dirty dogs having fleas, now i think of myself...yes, i have fleas. i got fleas from one of my friends' house...which she has fleas too, so i should've known. but anyways, i got fleas about a week and a half ago, then i got a bunch of misquito bites, and i got sick while i was in Cieneguilla. so this entry came from my journal when i was the most uncomfortable...

9.18.07
the point of this entry is not to complain but to recognize how uncomfortable life can be when you're unclean. our friends on the streets and all over the world experience these things and much more every day. they don't have medicine or resources to make them better. they are permanantly uncomfortable.
my mind can easily think back on the things i have quick access to in the states...a shower, a doctor, etc. and my body can easily desire those things right now. but my soul thirsts for something so much deeper.
as i recognize the pain and suffering our friends go through, the suffering of Paul, and most importantly the suffering of Christ, i realize this is nothing compared to the priceless gain of knoing christ jesus.
For even christ 'made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. and in human form he obediently humbled himslef even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross.' phillipians 2:7-8

as i read more of phillipians, i couldn't help but find joy in my uncomfort. i know paul was talking about his accomplishments when he said 'i consider it all as loss' but i use my accomplishments and hardships now when i claim the same thing.
'i once thought all these things were so important, but now i consider them worthless because of what christ has done. yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knoing christ jesus my lord. i have discareded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that i may have christ and become one with him.' phil 3:7-9
wow!
if in this lifetime i have to have fleas, lice, greasy hair, sickeness and much more to be where christ is and to become one with him, i am more than okay with that. if my uncomfort here means someone gets to experience the love of christ, then that's okay too.
as i end this entry, i know two things...1. it can always be worse. and 2. this is not our home so it's not supposed to be comfortable--if it is, something is severely wrong.

since then...

well, it's been a while since my last entry. a lot has gone on since then...a lot.

we went to Cieneguilla saturday through monday and it was just what i needed. i got out of the pollution-filled air and got to see the mountains, the sky, and the stars. oh, and i can't forget the sun. it was beautiful there. we layed by the pool, jumped on the trampoline, and took a walk by the river. i needed a break from lima-life. there was one downfall to the weekend...i got sick on sunday. but being sick brought me to a revelation.

i'll have to share the revelation in depth when i have my journal with me, but for now i'll just tell you a little of what's on my heart.

life here in lima is so different from the states. everything here is a process...it just takes so long. so because of this, it forces you to slow down. i really feel the lord teaching me patience right now and how to be still before him. relationships take a long time to form, food takes a long time to eat, going somewhere takes a long time to actually get there, etc. but this is really good for me. for the first time in my life, i am slowing down. god is opening my eyes to a lot.

yesterday, wednesday (one of my favorites here), was such a good day. some of our friends who we hadn't seen for a while came to menores. we sang songs, did a lesson, prayed together, and then played sports. i got to play american football for a bit yesterday and it was really good for me...since i'm missing football season. anyways, then we played soccer with the kids and it was so good. i really feel like the kids are opening up to us. we joked around on the court and laughed with each other. i really love the fact that the kids can come to 'la flecha' to just be kids and play. they need a break from the streets, so every chance they get is so needed.

speaking of break from the streets...the WMF community here is looking for a building for the ministry. we're trying to purchase one before the end of the year. there is one that is perfect for us, but there are just a few things that could potentially be problems if we purchased it. if you could all pray for wisdom and god's timing with this building, that would be amazing. my hopes is that everything goes smoothly and we purchase the building while our team is still here. that way we can help get it ready for the kids, and the kids will have a place to go. it's really needed.

tomorrow is my bday. and i'm really excited to have a bday in peru. who can say they spent their 23rd bday in lima peru? not many people...except for the peruvians who live here. ha. okay, i'm out.

rough time

so, i'm having a rough week. not sure why, but i feel really removed and desensitized to a lot right now. i have officially been here for a month today, so i am settled and used to the culture. my house feels like home and my family feels like family. i have a routine now and familiar faces and places. but something is just off.

i did visits today and we went to this girls house that was in a really poor area of lima--the outskirts, on the mountain. it was really sad, but i didn't feel anything before, during or after the visit. it's like i know i have compassion...that's one of the things that brought me here, but right now, i just can't feel it.

some of the other people on my team feel a similar way. i really feall like satan is just trying to desensitize us so we won't be as effective. i know that he takes cheap shots like that.

this weekend we are going to Cienegia...the place where the sun shines. we're having a weekend retreat, and i think it will be just what we need. i need to be rejuvenated and rested. i can't believe one month has already passed by. the last thing i want to do is get to the end of my time here and look back saying, 'i wish i would've done more.'

the thing is, i feel like it's okay to be where i'm at right now...spiritually, and mentally, because i know god values honesty. i'm not gonna pretend like things affect me when they don't, i'm just gonna wait until god reveals to me why i do or don't feel a specific way about the things that i am seeing and experiencing. it is a process being here...day by day, moment by moment--just as life is a process. i know my heart is being transformed even when i can't feel it. god is mysterious like that.

crazy nights

i went to the streets last night for the first time. it was crazy. every friday night we rotate people who stay at the church and pray and those who go out and feed the kids sandwiches and pray with them. last night i went out.

i didn't really know what to expect except for the fact that a lot of people would be high (huffing glue) and that we'd see some of the kids we know. as soon as we hit the streets i saw a lot of stuff that broke my heart. almost all the kids were high...really high, and really young. that was super tough to see.

this new kid came up to me and introduced himself and then we played thumb wars for a while. i felt like god was using me in order to allow this kid to be a kid for just a second on such a harsh night. then there were the little ones...and when i say little, i mean like 7 months old to 3 years old. they broke my heart by just looking at them and knowing their home is on the street. this little boy fell down and was crying so i held him for about 10 minutes and tried to console him. he continued to cry and then we found his mom and the second he saw her he stopped crying. all he needed was some lovin' from his momma. the thing is, those kids are passed around so much, and a lot of the times the parents are getting high, so the kids never get the love and attention they deserve. it's tough to see.

stuff got crazy a little later on. the cops showed up and went after this girl. girls just started throwing (literally) their babies at us and running away from the cops. i had this baby girl in my hands while i watched the cops drag this girl off the streets. finally stuff settled down and people dispursed and went their own ways (and the mom came and got her baby from me), but it hit me...this kind of stuff happens EVERY night. there is no security, no consistency, no comfort in the streets. satan has his name on so many streets here in lima, and it is so dark...BUT god is changing hearts and lives every day, it's just harder to see.

we sang a couple worship songs with the kids and prayed in groups before we handed out food. it was so evident that god was in the midst of it all. people closed their eyes and worshiped, sang as loud as they could, and just really enjoyed that moment. it's so clear to see that these people long for love and change. they long for the love of god to touch them daily.

i'm still processing this all, but the way i feel now is helpless. i really can't do much to change the circumstances of the people here, i can barely speak to them. i can however be there for them. and that's exactly what i'm doing...i'm here.

holding hands

so, i'm really starting to love wednesdays. every wednesday we have 'menores'which is time with the boys from the street. this morning we played some games, sang some worship songs, prayed in small groups, and played soccer. there were two new boys i hadn't met yet...they were both younger and absolutely adorable. i got to pray in a group with them and another volunteer. as we prayed, we held hands. the little boys rubbed my hands during the prayer and it made me want to cry. i felt so privileged to get to hold their hands because these kids usually are so distant.

it was beautiful.

when we played soccer (which i am not great at...compared to these kids) one of the boys remembered my name and wanted me to play with him. i know that is small, but it's a big deal coming from these boys and it was just great.

i really feel like god is opening their hearts to us and our to them. i can't even imagine how much i will love these kids at the end of four months. god is so good. these kids are precious. and i'm here experiencing it all. i am so blessed.

things about lima

a few things about lima you may not know...

1. there are no rules when driving here. (there are rules, but no one follows them) the other day i was riding in the bus, another bus beside us decided to get into our lane as we got into their lane, my bus took off the other bus' mirror...right by my head...good times.
also, bus drivers are known to stop the bus in the middle of the road, get out and start fights with taxi drivers. then, they get back on the bus and drive like crazy to the destination.

2. the sun doesn't shine here in the winter. (and when it does, we are VERY happy)

3. if you are a girl, you WILL get whistled at...all day long.

4. arroz con pollo (rice with chicken) is everywhere, every meal, every day. (this is good for me because i love chicken, but if you don't, you can't eat)

5. even if you speak fluent spanish and you are white, peruvians pretend like they don't understand you to make the situation awkward...it's great.

some days i feel like i've been here forever, and other days i can't believe i've been here for over 2 weeks. i know that the time here will fly and i will be sad to leave, so i'm trying to soak it all up--even on days i don't feel like it. i haven't had too many of those days however, so that's good. i have to be reminded that i am here for 4 months though, because it still hasn't sunk in.

the culture here is very laid back...sometimes that means i'm bored. so, i've decided to pick up some hobbies. marissa, my 'sister', will be teaching me how to croche and knit...oddly, i am really excited. most of the time, if i'm not doing ministry or in a meeting, i'm with my family goofing around, eating, or in my room freezing and reading la biblia.

i have discovered i love receiving mail too, so if any of you feel led to write me a letter...please do. i will be so happy!