rainy day

it rained all night last night, and it's a gloomy, drizzly day today. i'd say i hate this weather because typically i do, but i can't hate it when i know what comes next. i know that a rainy day in the beginning of spring is sure to bring greenness--green grass, green trees, green flowing hills. not to mention, new life. flowers are already starting to bloom and my heart skips a beat each time i see them open just a little more. the thing is, before the beauty of spring must come the ugly preparation and waiting period.

this season is my life right now. i'm living out the rainy days the best i can while i wait for something beautiful. i'm still waiting for answers on my dream job. i'm still waiting for a date that i'll be moving out to Cali. i'm still waiting for this temporary period back in NE to end. the thing that keeps me going is knowing what comes next. knowing that the lord will bring greenness and new life to this ever-waiting life of mine. i have faith that the rain has a purpose, and without it, the green just wouldn't be as green. so on this rainy spring day, i will embrace the clouds for i know the sun lies not far behind them. i know new life, a fresh start, is on its way.

spring and summer are on their way...

i can't wait for...
-rainbows after a storm
-ice cold water after a run
-porch swings
-the smell of fresh-cut grass
-fireworks
-rolled-down windows in my car
-permanent sunglass-wearing
-fresh fruit
-flip flops
-skirts
-the weather, and ability, to hand wash my car
-ice cream cones filled with mint-chip ice cream, being eaten while on a walk with a dear friend
-the stars
-reading books outside on the grass
-smiling at people for no reason
-fans
-colorful flowers
-new life
-iced coffee outside
-trampolines
-sand between my toes
-juice
-sunrise, sunset...the sun. period.

i used to be a fall person, one who loved cool weather and embraced winter when it came slowly. but now i'm finding a love for all seasons. (especially after being in winter for 6 months out of the year--in peru and in the states) it's time for some sunshine in my life. i'm ready for new life, new love, a new season. i'm ready to flourish.

Psalm 33

this psalm has been returning to me a lot recently. instead of telling you how i feel about it, i'll let you read it's powerful words yourself. it just lets me rest in the fact that the lord is the only one who can save me in this crazy world. he's the only one who understands and the only one in whom i can trust.

v.1 "Let the godly sing with joy to the Lord, for it is fitting to praise him.
Praise the Lord with melodies on the lyre; make music for him on the ten-stringed harp.
Sing new songs of praise to him; play skillfully on the harp and sing with joy.
FOR THE WORD OF THE LORD HOLDS TRUE, AND EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WORTHY OF OUR TRUST.
He loves whatever is JUST AND GOOD, and his unfailing love fills the earth.
The Lord merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born.
He gave the sea its boundaries and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs.
Let everyone in the world fear the Lord, and let everyone stand in awe of him.
For when he spoke, the world began! It appeared at his command.
The Lord shatters the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes.
But the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken.
What joy for the nation whose God is the Lord, whose people he has chosen for his own.
THE LORD LOOKS DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND SEES THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE.
From his throne he observes all who live on the earth.
HE MADE THEIR HEARTS, SO HE UNDERSTANDS EVERYTHING THEY DO.
The best-equipped army cannot save a king, nor is great strength enough to save a warrior.
Don't count on your warhorse to give you victory--for all its strength, it cannot save you.
But the Lord watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailing love.
He rescues them from death and keeps them alive in times of famine.
WE DEPEND ON THE LORD ALONE TO SAVE US. Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in his holy name.
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, FOR OUR HOPE IS IN YOU ALONE."

i trust in him alone.

god's hand

i really feel like the lord's hand is on me right now. i feel him protecting me, guiding my heart, and guiding my steps. i am so excited for my interview today and i have a peace about it that only comes from him. as i research the place i'm interviewing at, i fall more in love with their mission and what they are doing to change the world one person at a time. i just want to be there.

this month has brought back so many memories of my summer in LA and it's awakening desires i hadn't thought of for a while. i want so badly to be in a place where i am in contact with the poor on a daily basis. i want to love those who need it most. i want to support those with no family. i want to hope in those who are given up on daily. i want god to use me to speak to those who need to hear truth. i want to walk in solidarity with those who struggle walking alone. i just want to be there.

i trust that, even if this job doesn't work out, god will provide something that will fulfill these desires. i know that he wants me to be in a place where i thrive. and so do i. i trust he will place me there in his own timing. i guess i just hope that is soon. i am so excited.

my dream job...

so, i have an interview on thursday for my dream job. i can't even explain how excited i am about this possibility. i feel blessed to even have gotten a call for this job. i'm trying not to get too excited about it because it's not like i have the job, but at the same time, i really feel like it's a huge possibility i could.

i won't reveal what it is, but for those who know me well, know that it's probably something in california and it probably has to deal with working with the poor. a perfect fit for me.

every night i tell god, 'i trust you with my heart and i know you won't let these desires be wasted.' he has never failed me before. his faithfulness continues to show up in my life just exactly when i'm ready. i feel him working in and through me and i don't even know how to explain how i feel right now. i guess i just feel blessed.

i know life is not about work, but work takes a part of your life so loving what you do is so very important. i can see myself thriving in this job. it really would be a perfect balance for me. oh man, i can feel my heart jumping out of my chest. i'm so excited.

i'm a sleepy head

i've been so tired lately, but haven't been sleeping well. today i took a two hour nap and it was fantastic! i woke up feeling like i just wasted the afternoon though. then i remembered the sermon i heard this morning about rest.

i sometimes feel guilty for not working or not doing something productive that will push me into something else more important than whatever it is i'm doing at that time. the point is, we need rest and maybe i just haven't been getting enough of it. i mean, i only work part time and i have a lot of time on my hands, so i get a lot of sleep. but my mind hasn't let me sleep restfully. i'm constantly thinking and i wish i could just shut it off sometimes.

i don't know--finding rest is so hard to do. you can only find it in the lord, and even then it's hard to sit and be still when the world moves around you so quickly. above all else this week, i hope and pray i can find rest in my maker.

exhausted...

i'm exhausted but i still want to get in a little daily writing. i worked today for quite a while and it was nothing but running...so my feet are tired and i'm ready for a good nights' rest.

i was talking to a co-worker tonight about where my life is headed. i know that working in a coffee shop right now and living in lincoln is only temporary, so the advice he gave me was encouraging. he said, 'everyone is searching for god's will in their lives. sometimes we can never decide which desires are truly god's will for us. but, the desires that just won't go away are most likely god's will and should be followed.' he said this because i had mentioned my heart for california and the fact that it just won't go away. i don't want to move to cali for the sunshine. i don't want to move for the fame. i just want to be where my heart is, and i feel-and have felt for a long time-that it's in cali.

so, after a hard days work and an exhaustion from applying for jobs in cali, i remain hopeful. i have faith that god will act when the timing is perfect. so until then, i actively wait and seek.

youthfulness

last night i decided that i'm young. i've been feeling old for multiple reasons since i returned from peru--everyone is getting married, we're out of school, some of my friends are having kids, etc. and then last night i decided 23 is so young. i still have so much to do and to learn...i'm inexperienced and have so much ahead of me. let's just call me a young supple peach (just because i like peach everything not because i look like a peach).

ecclesiastes has become one of my favorite books in the bible in the last couple years. i opened up to ecc 11 today and felt encouraged in my youthfulness. first of all, a couple verses tell exactly what i feel and think every day lately...here they are: "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God's ways are as hard to discern as the pathways of the wind, and as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in a mother's womb. Be sure to stay busy and plant a variety of crops, for you never know which will grow--perhaps they all will." (v.4-6)

it's like i've been waiting on god, because that's what we do as christians. but waiting and lying dormant are two very different things. there are so many times that i do wait for 'perfect' conditions before i make a move. but there's no need. even if i move too quick, the god of the universe will catch me when i fall. the second part of the verse (god's ways are as hard to discern as the wind) has been hitting me over and over again. it's a windy day today--in fact, too windy to enjoy the outdoors, even with the sun being out. as i look out the window of this coffee shop, i see straggler leaves blow by. although the majority of them blow to my left, some blow to my right. the trees sway back and forth and the dust blows uphill. the direction is unknown and the wind is powerful. that's how i feel god's will is in my life right now.

okay, the last part of the verse is a new insight for me. 'be sure to stay busy and plant a variety of crops...' i've been wondering lately what my niche is. i love kids and enjoy ministering to them. i love writing and am trying to write a book. but i just don't know where the lord wants me to pour myself into. i feel like this verse is telling me, i don't have to choose just one thing. i can love and invest in all of them. later on in chapter 11 it says, "Young man (woman), it's wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do." life is starting to seem so simple in principle...through god's word. basically, do what my heart desires as long as it's in line with god's desires. and know that what is good and what is true, claim it as god's.

today, on this windy and sunny day, i embrace youthfulness. on this day, i embrace the creator. the creator of mystery, of beauty, and of grace. i willingly fall into his hands. jumping, even when the conditions aren't perfect. i invite you to jump with me.

choose your destiny

i was thinking/praying last night and it dawned on me that we choose our lives. yes, god created us, placed us in a family, and has a will for our lives. but we choose every day if we're going to follow that will and we choose what we do with it.

for example, i am here in lincoln right now because i believe it is god's will. i don't know why he has me here--but he does. the catch is he has given me freedom in being here. i complain that i don't have anything to do and i don't know what i should do, but the thing is, it's my choice. i've been choosing to not do much. i choose every day to either lay in bed for a little longer and feel sorry about myself, or get up and be active, making for a productive and happy day.

i guess after contemplating my life recently, i've seen that i have no reason not to trust god. i mean, ever since my senior year of high school i've been hearing his voice clearly, and each time i choose to follow, he amazes me with something. right now i can't see what the amazing thing is (or will be). i do know however, that i'm in the right place. i am with two of my best friends supporting them and loving them as they finish college and i just wait around. i'm taking this time to write a book, to knit a skirt, to take a long walk, to read, and to figure out what i want to do next.

lately i've been telling god i trust him because i have no reason not to. he's never failed me and i trust he never will. but just because i trust him and wait for him to speak, that doesn't mean i don't have freedom in choosing what's next. i do. it's called free will. and that's the beauty of god's creation in our relationship. he loves us more than anything, but allows us to choose to love him back. he has a plan for us, but allows us to choose our own plan. he's always there waiting when we choose wrong. the key to life is wanting to choose the same plan god has already chosen for you. i'm actively seeking that plan.

alive again

this has been a great week. i'm feeling again--no longer numb to the tornado called life spinning around me. the sun has been out multiple times this week and my heart has begun to smile on a more consistent basis.

i guess it just took me getting out of my current state and being 'forced' to have fun in vegas in order to turn me around. this week i have successfully communicated my joy. i worked wednesday and friday and loved every minute of serving others. i ran outside, i talked with old friends, i worked out (daily), and i started writing again. i've been encouraged by the smallest things this week.

a friend emailed me and told me to not feel bad that i'm not following the 'norm' of life--which is graduate, career, marriage, family. he told me not rushing into things is called freedom and it's a great thing. i couldn't agree more. i'm free right now and there's no better time to embrace it. i feel like i'm coming out of a dark cave and the sunlight on my face feels so warm it's calling me to another step toward the light.

i know i have purpose and i'm getting excited about my future. i know the lord will do what he wants with me, but i'm really starting to trust that whatever that is will be good. i'm laughing again and am waking up in the morning with purpose. this didn't just come. if that were the case, i would have made it come a long time ago. but instead there was a time and a purpose for this darkness and there was a savior pulling me out of it. how fitting it is that i feel like a the stone has been rolled away and i'm a new creation as easter approaches.

i love life again. that calls for celebration.