My biggest fear...

Wow. I feel like I can breathe today. I have been so busy lately! And because of that, I have encountered my biggest fear of this transition:

I forgot why I came here.

Before I moved, I said, "I don't want to get a full time job because I don't want to get distracted by what I'm actually there for--to learn more about God through school." It made sense at the time, but often God has a different plan for us. Last week I worked, went to school, did homework, went to bed, and got up to do the same thing the next day--every day. Typically, that would be an okay schedule for someone who is in school and working. But, for me, it's not okay to just have a daily schedule. I came here to learn to love the Lord more, and with that comes a lot of processing and time in prayer. So for every activity I do through out the day, I should be including the Lord, praying for clarity and purpose and fully living for Him every moment of the day. This is not possible in my own strength--in fact, that was made apparent last week by trying it out. But, by the Holy Spirit, I will be able to focus on the Lord with every move of my hand and breath of my lungs. I HATED that I left the Lord out of everything I did last week--even as I read ABOUT him, I did not INCLUDE him. I made the bible a text book. I forgot to pray. I stopped asking him for help. It makes me so sad. I can't imagine how he feels when I do it. I felt like such a Pharisee last week, gaining all this knowledge about him while remaining hard-hearted. What a waste!

But God is gracious and merciful and he has revealed my sin to me. He's slowly opening my eyes to a lot of things--especially the fact that his will is so different from what my flesh desires. Like I said earlier, I didn't want a full time job, but now I have been blessed with a job where I can use the material that I'm learning in class, and bless others with it. The Lord knew best when He provided a full time job that fit SO well with where I'm currently at in life. Over the past few years, I've really felt the Lord turning my heart to women's ministry, specifically praying with women in very difficult situations and offering counsel. I had even mentioned the desire to work at a crisis pregnancy center! And now, the Lord has brought me a job at a CHRISTIAN crisis pregnancy center/adoption agency/counseling center where I can pour into women and share the Gospel daily. God is SO good to me. He knows my heart more than I do!

Each week I get four unpaid hours off of work (so I'm really only working 36hrs). This has been a life-saver since I've been so busy. I have decided with those four hours, I will explore the city and invest in the Lord. I will go to a new coffee shop every week and read the Word, write, and indulge in delicious drinks before I go to class. I was just thinking how I feel like I'm dating coffee shops...I get so excited for my time there :) Today I am at Uncommon Grounds Coffeehouse, drinking Raspberry Chai and learning about the Pleasure of God in the Fame of his Name.

I have no profound thoughts for you today (although I have many in my head from studying theology), but I am writing to keep myself accountable of this every week. I need to write at least once a week and venture out in the city, so this is my public declaration to do so.