a few things

1. i'm in san diego.
2. i'm signing a lease on an apartment tomorrow.
3. i'm broke.
4. i'm taking one day at a time.
5. i'm still jobless.
6. i'm still hopeful.
7. i'm pretty darn happy.

to be continued...

two days left

well, tomorrow is my last day of work. the next day i drive to my parents' house and pack my car up. and the next day i'm on the road to california.

i've done well so far. no fear. no hesitation. no doubt...

until the other day. there was a brief moment where i almost believed what the world thought of my life. i almost believed i was crazy for moving to california with no money, no job, no place to live. but then i realized, faith is not about having plans. faith is about trusting that whatever needs to happen will happen if only i take the first step. if there is one thing i could choose to be known for, it would be my faith. faith in a better life--for me and this world. faith in goodness and truth and purity. faith in love. faith in a king. faith in jesus christ.

god has never failed me. i've made some really weird decisions based on faith, and they've always brought me to a better place. fear is not really a word in my vocabulary and i'm not sure how i became that way, but i am thankful. i'm thankful that i don't have to fear a life of monotony. i am thankful i don't have to fear failure because i've already won. i am thankful that i don't have to fear death. the only thing i fear is a life full of regrets and a mind full of memories from a safety zone.

so with two days left and no plans set, i fear nothing.
'if god is for us, who can be against us'

the after-vacation blues

well, i got home yesterday from my sister's wedding in antigua. we were 17 degrees north of the equator and i got a pretty good tan. it was a crazy week--one i will probably never forget, but i am now exhausted. the wedding was beautiful and it was so good to spend time with my wonderful family.

now one day back into reality, i am semi-depressed. you know that dreadful time after vacation that everyone has? well, i have it right now. i'm stressed out because i have to find an apartment in san diego before i move...but that's hard to do when i'm not there. so i'm taking a huge leap of faith and just going--probably without an apartment. we have a place we could stay for a short while but i don't wanna put her out, so i'd rather have something set up when we got there.

i'm trying not to stress out but money is just so tight and i have no definite plans so i'm just throwing myself into the ocean, hoping not to drown. i am, however, excited to jump in and see where the tide takes me.

i didn't really get to spend much time with god while i was on vacation...which was disappointing but my own fault. i can't believe how much my spiritual life fluctuates depending on the people i am around. i'm ready to find a community in which i can thrive and be encouraged. so now i am working on moving forward with the lord and seeking his will for my life--even if it doesn't make sense. at this point, i don't even feel like i'm making sense. these ramblings come from a tired mind. i will blog later this week about things i learned on my trip. right now, i just need sleep.

simply wonderful

the sunshine brought me outside today. i had about 20 minutes to chill before i met with a friend for dinner so i decided to take my camera to the park.

i just sat and enjoyed the beauty of nature and the simple joy i received by just being in it. above are some of the pictures i took. after a conversation about simplicity at dinner, drew and i climbed up on top of his roof and watched the sun set.

as i sat there on a rooftop in downtown lincoln, i felt at peace and simple. i didn't feel like i was in lincoln. in fact, i didn't feel like i was anywhere...i was just simply there. sometimes we must just exist. just breathe. just be.

so tonight, as i enjoyed nature and human nature, i found contentment in just being alive. i had no worries, no concerns, no hopes. i just observed. it was simply wonderful.

sha la la la la

i'm in a good place right now. i can feel this transition period coming to an end and i know i am about to thrive. i leave for my sister's wedding on friday and i'm super excited. for months i've been using my sister's wedding as the break in my timeline. i've said, 'i'm sticking around NE until my sister gets married and then i'm off to start my life.'

i feel god preparing me for a really exciting time ahead. first off, i feel him drawing near to me as i draw near to him. i'm craving time with him and finding it super easy to just be in his presence. i'm ready to take this next step of life. i have a couple options right now. i could join student staff for summer in the city--L.A. and spend a month in L.A. and then move to san diego. or, i could go right to san diego and start job hunting while i'm hopefully working part time at a store (where i have connections with the manager). if i go to LA for a month, i need to raise $800-$1,000 in support. for some reason i feel like god is leading me more towards this. that way i could be in LA growing and learning and be able to travel to san diego on the weekends to search for apartments. i feel like this option would be an easier transition for me and it would be exactly what i need to decide what i want to do with my immediate future.

i know i want a job working with the poor. whether that means working directly with them at a homeless shelter, or working behind the scenes at a non-profit. i just know that is where my heart is and i can't ignore that. i want to be an advocate for the poor and oppressed and i'm not sure exactly how to do that. i am sure, however, that god will show me the way.

i am confident that in taking this step of faith, the lord will not leave me to fall on my face. i trust he will be there providing for me and speaking to me, even if it's not easy. i'm just ready. so, i'm going and i couldn't be more excited.

a new day

today was a new day, a fresh start. last night i cried for the first time in 4 months...well, since the day i left peru. it was a much-needed cry. it wasn't because i didn't get the job (that was only part of it), but it was because i felt neglected and trapped. i realized this is something i do to myself. being a strong, independent woman, i sometimes give off the vibe that i don't need help (or pray, or conversation, or whatever). i do things all on my own, and then after a while...it just gets old. i get lonely and complain about no one caring or investing in me. when really, i didn't ask anyone to.

the funny thing is, as i cried out to god last night, complaining that i have no one thinking about me, he heard my cry louder than ever. today i got multiple messages and phone calls of people just plain 'thinking about me'. i felt loved today. plus it was a sunny day and i ran outside around the lake again. then i sat on a picnic table and read my bible and wrote. it couldn't have been more peaceful. it was apparent people were praying for me today and god was watchin' out.

Psalm 31 really spoke to me today. here's a couple verses to leave you with.
"Love the Lord, all you faithful ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes all who are arrogant. So be strong and take courage, all you who put your hope in the Lord." (v.23-24)

where to go from here...

well, today was a sad day. i found out i did not get the job i was waiting on. they were deciding between me and one other girl and they got really busy so they hired the other girl because she already lives in san diego. not gonna lie, i'm kinda heart broken and bitter right now.

i thought for so long that this was my 'out' and that god had placed this job in front of me because it was perfect for me. i was confident that the lord would provide but now i'm just really discouraged. i'm just SO READY to get out and start life on my own and i feel like i keep getting set back. i know this is still a transition time but i just don't know how much longer i can handle 'transition'. i want so badly to be in a new community where i thrive, where i have a job that i love, and i'm helping people. i thought this job would be a great start for all those things, and now i feel like i just have to settle. i hate settling. i'm not gonna wait forever though...i'm just gonna go.

i decided, i'm moving at the end of may regardless of if i have a job or not. if i need to take out a loan or whatever, i will. but i have to get out of here. it's just time.

i've felt called to california for so long so what am i waiting for? clearly no one is going to hire me while i'm here in nebraska, so i'm just going. that's it. my friend told me today, 'sometimes god wants us to do things that don't make sense; that's the first step.' well, that's just what i'm gonna do. i'm going whether it's financially smart or not. i can't wait here forever, and i can't work at a coffee shop forever. i need to do what i'm passionate about and frankly, i'm sick of waiting.

this blog is getting a little long but this is my vent session so there's no telling when it will stop. it's just so hard right now because everyone has something and i feel like i've got nothing. for example, everyone around me is defined by what they are: a student, a wife, a mother, a banker, an artist, a fiance, a teacher, etc.

but right now i am defined by nothing. all i have going for me is that i'm a college graduate...and look how far that has gotten me. i'm just ready, and i feel like god keeps saying 'no'. it's so frustrating. i don't know where to go from here.