simply wonderful

the sunshine brought me outside today. i had about 20 minutes to chill before i met with a friend for dinner so i decided to take my camera to the park.

i just sat and enjoyed the beauty of nature and the simple joy i received by just being in it. above are some of the pictures i took. after a conversation about simplicity at dinner, drew and i climbed up on top of his roof and watched the sun set.

as i sat there on a rooftop in downtown lincoln, i felt at peace and simple. i didn't feel like i was in lincoln. in fact, i didn't feel like i was anywhere...i was just simply there. sometimes we must just exist. just breathe. just be.

so tonight, as i enjoyed nature and human nature, i found contentment in just being alive. i had no worries, no concerns, no hopes. i just observed. it was simply wonderful.

sha la la la la

i'm in a good place right now. i can feel this transition period coming to an end and i know i am about to thrive. i leave for my sister's wedding on friday and i'm super excited. for months i've been using my sister's wedding as the break in my timeline. i've said, 'i'm sticking around NE until my sister gets married and then i'm off to start my life.'

i feel god preparing me for a really exciting time ahead. first off, i feel him drawing near to me as i draw near to him. i'm craving time with him and finding it super easy to just be in his presence. i'm ready to take this next step of life. i have a couple options right now. i could join student staff for summer in the city--L.A. and spend a month in L.A. and then move to san diego. or, i could go right to san diego and start job hunting while i'm hopefully working part time at a store (where i have connections with the manager). if i go to LA for a month, i need to raise $800-$1,000 in support. for some reason i feel like god is leading me more towards this. that way i could be in LA growing and learning and be able to travel to san diego on the weekends to search for apartments. i feel like this option would be an easier transition for me and it would be exactly what i need to decide what i want to do with my immediate future.

i know i want a job working with the poor. whether that means working directly with them at a homeless shelter, or working behind the scenes at a non-profit. i just know that is where my heart is and i can't ignore that. i want to be an advocate for the poor and oppressed and i'm not sure exactly how to do that. i am sure, however, that god will show me the way.

i am confident that in taking this step of faith, the lord will not leave me to fall on my face. i trust he will be there providing for me and speaking to me, even if it's not easy. i'm just ready. so, i'm going and i couldn't be more excited.

a new day

today was a new day, a fresh start. last night i cried for the first time in 4 months...well, since the day i left peru. it was a much-needed cry. it wasn't because i didn't get the job (that was only part of it), but it was because i felt neglected and trapped. i realized this is something i do to myself. being a strong, independent woman, i sometimes give off the vibe that i don't need help (or pray, or conversation, or whatever). i do things all on my own, and then after a while...it just gets old. i get lonely and complain about no one caring or investing in me. when really, i didn't ask anyone to.

the funny thing is, as i cried out to god last night, complaining that i have no one thinking about me, he heard my cry louder than ever. today i got multiple messages and phone calls of people just plain 'thinking about me'. i felt loved today. plus it was a sunny day and i ran outside around the lake again. then i sat on a picnic table and read my bible and wrote. it couldn't have been more peaceful. it was apparent people were praying for me today and god was watchin' out.

Psalm 31 really spoke to me today. here's a couple verses to leave you with.
"Love the Lord, all you faithful ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes all who are arrogant. So be strong and take courage, all you who put your hope in the Lord." (v.23-24)

where to go from here...

well, today was a sad day. i found out i did not get the job i was waiting on. they were deciding between me and one other girl and they got really busy so they hired the other girl because she already lives in san diego. not gonna lie, i'm kinda heart broken and bitter right now.

i thought for so long that this was my 'out' and that god had placed this job in front of me because it was perfect for me. i was confident that the lord would provide but now i'm just really discouraged. i'm just SO READY to get out and start life on my own and i feel like i keep getting set back. i know this is still a transition time but i just don't know how much longer i can handle 'transition'. i want so badly to be in a new community where i thrive, where i have a job that i love, and i'm helping people. i thought this job would be a great start for all those things, and now i feel like i just have to settle. i hate settling. i'm not gonna wait forever though...i'm just gonna go.

i decided, i'm moving at the end of may regardless of if i have a job or not. if i need to take out a loan or whatever, i will. but i have to get out of here. it's just time.

i've felt called to california for so long so what am i waiting for? clearly no one is going to hire me while i'm here in nebraska, so i'm just going. that's it. my friend told me today, 'sometimes god wants us to do things that don't make sense; that's the first step.' well, that's just what i'm gonna do. i'm going whether it's financially smart or not. i can't wait here forever, and i can't work at a coffee shop forever. i need to do what i'm passionate about and frankly, i'm sick of waiting.

this blog is getting a little long but this is my vent session so there's no telling when it will stop. it's just so hard right now because everyone has something and i feel like i've got nothing. for example, everyone around me is defined by what they are: a student, a wife, a mother, a banker, an artist, a fiance, a teacher, etc.

but right now i am defined by nothing. all i have going for me is that i'm a college graduate...and look how far that has gotten me. i'm just ready, and i feel like god keeps saying 'no'. it's so frustrating. i don't know where to go from here.

embracing this day

well, actually i'm embracing a new hairdo mostly. thought i'd go a little crazy, so this is the first step of the craziness. and i love it.

today is my day off and i've been preparing for sunday and working on my book. i don't know what it is about a day off when you haven't had one in a long while, but it allows you to do whatever you want and not feel guilty even one bit. for example...i think i slept a full 12 hours, and didn't even remotely feel worthless.

days off allow me to slow down and look around. i can embrace the life i have right now and i love that. i'm continually in this transition stage, but i'm more than fine with it. i'm single. i'm free to make my own choices. and i am my own person. i'm slowly falling more in love with god in this transition period because i have to learn to trust him since i have NO idea what is next. as i wait for an answer about this job in cali, i feel more relaxed about it every day.

each day brings new possibilities, but days off bring even more possibilities and i love that. i've been writing about innocence today in my book, and oddly, i feel pretty innocent today. i feel like god's child more today than i did yesterday--maybe it's because i've had less responsibility today on my day off. i don't know, but at this very moment i love my life. i have nothing to complain about. even though the sun doesn't shine on my day off, i can still find joy. even though i work tomorrow, i can still enjoy this very moment. i think this contentment is known as god's presence. i can't explain it any other way.

i have hope of a great future, yet, i don't really think of the future, but of right now. these ramblings might not make any sense but this is the lesson i am learning in life right now--contentment on a day-to-day basis.

just can't do it

i have been asked to speak at church this coming sunday. i'm supposed to talk about what god taught me while i was in peru and the life-changing experience i've had. i said yes of course, but as i prepare to talk, i am speechless.

i'm going through my journals, searching for something...a theme, a lesson, a cry of my heart. but the harder i try to process and try to find something to say, the more i realize i never processed in the first place. my mind just can't do it. it's too hard to process. i don't know if it's because i had such a hard time there and my mind is wanting to repress those memories or if i have neglected the process of processing after coming home from something like this.

i feel like the world issues i have to deal with when processing (poverty, justice, solidarity, etc.) are just too hard for me right now. how do you force yourself to think about something you just don't want to think about?

i think it's hard to ponder these things because of the place i'm in right now. i'm in a transition phase and i have yet to invest in activities or groups that allow me to act on these world issues because i'm about to leave again. i feel like a constant nomad. and until i find a place or community to call my home, i'm hesitant to invest and make a move in advocating for the poor. is that terrible? am i being super selfish right now because i'm trying to figure out where and what before i speak? maybe i'm waiting and i shouldn't be. who knows!

friends

i just want to write right now, and sense i feel today's topic in life is friends, that's just what i'll write about.

i watched a video of my friends in peru and it made me miss them terribly. then i talked to my dear friend erin, whom i haven't talked to in months. then i spent time with my friends at work. and, of course, i have been at home with my bestest, jenna, all day. not to mention, went to a movie with jen and annie last night (the two friends i see the most). oh, and i talked to my dearest ashley yesterday. i am so very blessed by all of these friendships. i don't think there's ever been a time in my life where i've had so many great girlfriends. i love that the older i get, the more girlfriends i get. this used to not be the case.

i still have lots of guy friends, but i always had to deal with the fact that when i was seriously dating someone those guy friends couldn't be as close. i also had to realize that when marriage comes, my guy friends will have to disappear as close friends and become distant acquaintances. so, with all this said, the older i get, the more i appreciate my girlfriends and the long-lasting relationships they are and will continue to be.

it is great to love and be loved--even if it is just by friends. i feel blessed today.

'stop-loss'

i just came from the movie 'stop-loss' and i am overwhelmed with emotion. the movie is about a soldier who wants out of the war but is forced to return to iraq anyway. i won't give anything away, just in case someone wants to see it, but i will tell you it's a really hard movie to watch.

for me, it is hard to take interest in the war since it's A) not here in the states, and B) lasting so long. i forget that there are soldiers fighting and dying for our freedom every day. this movie reminded me how sad the whole situation is. i just cried the whole second half of the movie, watching the results and complications from the war in the lives of these men. mentally, these soldiers are a mess--which is expected, and physically, some of them are torn apart (literally). i know this is no surprise because these are just the facts of war, but it is so sad. i can't imagine having to kill someone in order to not be killed yourself. i can't imagine trying to deal with all the sights of bloody war. and, at this point, i can't even imagine having a close friend or family member who has been to war. their experience takes a toll on every relationship they have.

my heart longs for peace. this war makes me really sad, and i hurt for the family members with soldiers over in iraq right now. i hurt for those who are back and dealing with their issues now. even more, beyond the war in iraq, i hurt for those in conflict all over the globe. the children in uganda who have been, and still are, child soldiers. the people of rwanda dealing with the genocide in the 90's still. and so many more.

how do we help this world find peace? i don't know that answer, but i do know peace comes on an individual basis. we must lead one person at a time to the prince of peace because, god knows, we can't give someone peace. they must find it on their own. and the only source of peace i know is named jesus. i want this world to be a better place for future generations, so my prayer today is that i'll do my best to bring peace to the lives affected by my life.

before i end this post, i want to say thank you to the men and women who willingly choose to go into war for a bigger cause. i pray they would be brought back home unharmed. i pray this war would come to an end.

cucumbers and lettuce

thought you'd like a story.

as some of you may know, i work at a coffee shop. this coffee shop is also attached to a sandwich shop, so we sell coffee and sandwiches. today some lady ordered a sandwich in the drive thru. she wanted cucumbers and lettuce. i repeated the sandwich and asked her 3 times if she wanted anything MORE on the cucumber/lettuce sandwich. the answer...no.

so when she gets to the window, she tells me our turning radius on the drive thru isn't right and the speaker is too far away. she states, "it's a construction problem." i thank her, hand her her cucumber/lettuce sandwich and send her on her way.

a good 40 minutes pass and a voice on the drive thru says, "yeah, i was just here and i ordered a tuna sandwich with cucumbers and lettuce, but there's no tuna."

as we laugh behind the counter at the cucumber/lettuce lady who wanted us to read her mind and put tuna on the sandwich, we make a new one. i give her the sandwich and apologize, and guess what she does...

she gives me a TIP!

well okay then. story over. now, on to more important things. i'm still waiting to hear about this job in cali. i interviewed twice and i've been in correspondence with them for about a month now. she said we'll make a decision 'soon', but i'm not sure what soon is. so again, my life is kinda on hold. i've been working so much lately that i haven't really had time for my writing. friday is my day off and the rest of this week i have some afternoons off, so i'm excited to work on my book. i'm becoming inspired by my daily encounters with people at the coffee shop, so it will help my writing. okay, i have an early morning coffee call so i'm out. i think i'll have a tuna salad sandwich with lots of lettuce and cucumbers tomorrow--hold the tuna.

sunny sunday

sunny sunday. it's sunday. church was good. my friends and i are are goofy today. because the sun is out, i am reminded of sunny sundays in peru. all of these things make me very happy.

it's been a weird week, but now i feel the newness of sunday morning washing away my past week and bringing me a fresh one. last week i failed to do things i love--one of them being my writing, another being spending time with god. this week i vow to do only things i want and love to do, claiming them as god's and finding joy in that.

as i wait for an answer about this job, i realize that if i am offered the job, i only have 3 weekends left here. it all seems really fast if that's the case, but i'm really ready. so as i play the waiting game, my hope is that i soak up this time. this time of familiarity, time of friendship, and time of rest. although i am excited about a new adventure, i don't want to write off this time that i am here. so today i am thankful for all the things i am so familiar with and all the people that have been in my life for so long. i hope they all have a sunny sunday too.

april fools!

i was awaken this morning by a text message from my sister that read:

'The wedding's off! Call me.'

rubbing my eyes, and trying to figure out what could have happened between last night and this morning that the wedding would be off, i dialed her number.
she answered the phone, "April fools!"

nice. i have to give it to her--it was probably the best joke i've heard out of her mouth in a while. you see, she's the queen of cheesy, so this one was pretty good.

all in all, my day has been a pretty entertaining one, and it's far from over. i'm sitting at the mill right now and there is the cutest old grandma sitting next to me. she's probably 75, she has a black sweatsuit on and a cute coach purse. the best thing is, she's listening to her mp3 player and doing a crossword, whilst dancing. i love it!

then, to top off my Mill experience, a boy who was sitting across from me when i came in earlier, pulled some hilarious stunt--or was it? he had been sitting across from me for maybe the first 30 minutes of my time here. we hadn't made eye contact once...not once. i took a phone call and was on my computer the rest of the time. he stands up, grabs his stuff and walks over to me. this was our conversation--no joke:

'Excuse me' him
'Yes' me
'I was, um, won...wondering if, um, I cou...could take you out fo...for dinner sometime. (Breath) Wow, that was a lot of stuttering.'
Me, (not knowing how to respond since i didn't even know this kid's name) 'Well, I'm actually planning on moving, but I'm here a lot so maybe next time we're here we can sit and talk.'
'Oh, well can I have your number then?' him (bold as ever)
Me, (still not knowing where the heck this kid came from) 'Well, I typically don't give my phone number out so soon...'
Him, interrupting, 'Then can i give you mine?'
Me, (feeling sorry for the kid), 'Sure, what is it?'

THEN, to end the awkwardness, we shake hands, exchange names, and he walks away. and don't let me forget to mention the silent roomful of people listening to this awkward encounter, trying to hold back laughter.

at any point in that conversation, an 'April fools' could have been added and i would have fallen out of my chair onto the floor, nearly dying of laughter. however, i'm still waiting for the 'April fools'. guess i should be flattered, right? oh, life. how fun.