i got a manicure...

Suzie Homemaker here i come!

for some reason, i have been more and more domestic lately. i've been wanting to cook and clean for people lately. tonight i made chili for some dear friends. it was my mother's recipe, and i actually did it justice! i was so proud of myself. not only did i cook, but i had candles burning and the table set nicely for all--not to mention the pine cones and crafty christmas display surrounding the table. i love serving others.

tonight we found the perfect house, which we've been on the hunt for for a while now. it was a colorful 3 bedroom with lots of character. tomorrow we are turning in our applications and hoping we get the place. if so, we'll be moving in january 1. i am so excited to get settled and make a place my own. this apartment i'm living in is just a storage place for me right now--it's not home. i'm so excited to find a home...where i can be even MORE domestic!

this weekend was great because i went ice skating for the first time in my life. i would have never imagined my first time skating on ice would be on a beach. kind of ironic that i had to come from a wintery state to a sunny state to ice skate, but nonetheless, it was beautiful. i only fell once. ha. no, but it really was beautiful--everything about it. the act of skating. the christmas lights surrounding us. the beach and palm trees staring back at us. it was all perfect. it made me feel like a kid again.

this is kind of a random post, but it's just some of the things going on in my life. nothing fancy, just life. all is well here. i am blessed.

Officially winter

this morning i decided it's officially winter. (not sure if i have the authority to decide that, but nonetheless, i did) it's been foggy a lot in the mornings and kinda chilly, but today, it just looked wintery (for california anyway). and i was cold all day, so i decided this is winter in san diego. cold. but not f r e e z i n g. thank god.

it's december already and i don't know how that happened. i went to phoenix for thanksgiving and had a great time with the sisters and bro-in-law, but i started to get a bit depressed when i realized i was not going home for christmas. when i came back to san diego, i was in a festive spirit and was wanting to decorate. but decorating costs money and that's something i don't have right now. so, i got a little more depressed as i realized my apartment would not be festive AND i would spend christmas alone. boo. BUT today, as i was checking flights, i found one under $400 and i decided to get it. so i'm coming home! i'm actually flying ON Christmas day, but better late than never, right?

so i am excited that it is winter and that there is a possibility of seeing snow. a new year is quickly approaching and i am excited for fresh beginnings. and now, i am excited to go home.

A very different fall

it is the middle of november and i can still go to the beach. in fact, i went on saturday. it has been so hot lately that i have to keep all the windows open in my apartment in order to breathe. my mind cannot comprehend that it is fall. so tonight...i am forcing fall upon myself.

i am wearing a scarf, drinking hot tea, and reading a book in my reading chair. i am almost sweating, but it is worth it because it now seems like fall.

today was a great day. actually, i've had a great couple of days. my best friend's mom was here over the weekend and we had a very relaxing and enjoyable time. after the beach on saturday, we bought some crafts from Michael's and made cute and crafty hair clips. then we ate pizza and watched a movie. my soul was really craving rest and i definitely got it this weekend.

i've been so busy that i forgot how great it feels to slow down. i was talking with a friend last night about constantly being in transition because i still am. i somehow believed the lie that after college i was supposed to have life figured out and would have all this time to do the things i love the most. well, i've been in constant transition since the last day of college and i'm starting to wonder if this period of life is even a 'period' at all. i've really been wrestling with myself and god about where i am and where i want to be. god's timing is so different than mine and i've been trying to move past the 'now' and into the future. this has been a very weird year of my life, one i will never be able to explain, yet it is one i'd never give up. i am me. i am here. and i'm slowly learning that that's all i can be. so this is me slowing down and trying to be patient.

i'm off to drink more tea and read my book...until next time.

forcing fall,
Lindsey Michelle

Newness November

A fresh month. A new start. I'm calling it Newness Novemeber. Today I ran the Susan Komen 5K Race for the Cure. My team, 'Little Boobs Count Too', dominated the course. I was so proud of us all. It was so good to run for a cause and with special people. I am already looking to run a 10K next. Yesterday, my work held the annual candlelight vigil for the homeless men and women who died on the streets this year. It was very touching and very necessary. We carried 58 candles and 58 pairs of shoes that represented those who died on the streets alone. I felt so blessed to be a part of it. This weekend was a great kickoff to November. I feel like this month is a new time for me.

The last two months I let life get in the way of living...if that makes sense. But now I am slowing down and really taking time to do the things I love the most. The time change last night will now allow me (or force me) to run in the mornings now instead of after work. I think Jenna and I are going into work later after we work out in the mornings. I am excited to get the day started with a morning run.

I usually work at the coffee shop on Wednesday nights and Sundays, but the last two weeks I took off. Last weekend I went to Phoenix to see my sisters and the new puppy. The five hour drive was welcomed, as I was alone and needed time to think and just be. The time with my sisters was relaxing and enjoyable. I had a great weekend, besides the fact that my car broke down on the way home and I had to pay $700 unexpectedly. But I felt so blessed and taken care of that the money didn't even matter. It's just a car. Just money. At least I got to see my sisters and had a great weekend.

Today I took off work for the race, but even more, just to relax. I'm sitting in my bed, blogging, and catching up. I love it. This month is going to be a good one. I'm going to make time for myself and not let life get in the way again. Yay for Newness November! P.S. Here's a picture of my new favorite niece.

deception

things are never as they seem. there's always something deeper...something more than meets the eye (or heart). we, as human beings, can be so easily mislead and deceived. i have been deceived. i have been angry with myself the last couple of days because i let myself see things only skin-deep. if only i would have looked deeper--investigated. but the bible says the heart IS deceiving, and since i often lead with my heart, i am now learning how it fails me sometimes.

it boggles my mind how people can live a lie so easily. as i've grown into myself, into who the lord has made me, i've learned to drop my disguises because i can no longer be anybody but me. it's really hard for me NOT to wear my heart on my sleeve. because i let people in so quickly, i also get hurt more easily. i could be bitter about this and shut down, but then i remember the fruit that comes from being vulnerable and loving. i look at jesus' life and see how he got hurt time and time again...and even how we continue to hurt him day in and day out as we sin. did he ever shut down? no. never. he was always loving. always speaking truth. always trusting that true love would conquer all. true love would take away all the hurt. his soft grace and gentle spirit broke down so many walls. oh, how i long to be just like that.

although my heart was deceived, my spirit is still willing. i long to love without deception here on earth, but for now, i remind myself that the love that comes from my lord is unfathomably true and more than enough. HE is more than enough for me.

a new season...

the seasons are changing. as the sun sets a little quicker and the wind bites a little harder, i can feel a change creeping up. yesterday i turned 24. today i decided i was moving into a bigger apartment. my life is quickly moving into a new season as well.

i've been here in cali for about a full four months. i have a steady job, well two actually. i have a church community. i have new friends. and i'm ready to start settling in. i've been living in a one bedroom apartment with a friend, and it's been perfect. but now that i can afford my own room and i have a future here in san diego, i am ready to settle into some place i can call home. this one bedroom apartment has served its purpose and now it's time to move into some place where i can buy furniture, paint the walls, and put a welcome home mat on the front step. as i close this time of transition and move into a more permanent time, i can't help but think of how faithful god has been to me. he has provided me with all of this...support from my family to up and move to cali, an apartment in an abrupt week, a job (after much searching), and new friends. i feel so blessed to be in this place.

my desire right now is to live in a community house. i really want to live with 4 or so people and form a little family of our own. i want a place where we can eat together and cry together and laugh together. i want to live communally. life is not meant to live alone and i think community is worth all the pain that it sometimes creates. i've said this before...especially while i was in peru...community is hard but it's so worth fighting for. i want a community. (and my own room) ;)

leave it up to a glass of wine and a chick flick

i had a great day today. i'm finally feeling like myself again. my head was not as clouded as it has been lately. i've been playing catch-up at work since i was sick last week and i've been really stressed out. today i got a lot done and was able to relax a bit. tonight was a very good night for me. i had dinner and wine with my best friend jenna. we sat and talked, and it was quiet and peaceful. i have needed a break from people this week, so it was good just to 'be'. then we grabbed chai and went to a girly movie--Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

the movie was good. it made me so thankful for my girlfriends. as i get older and my friends (both guys and girls) get married, i am realizing how crucial girlfriends are. you can't have guy friends when you get married so it's really important to invest in relationships with the same sex because those relationships remain. i am so blessed to have the friends i have.

after a long, frustrating weekend, tonight was just what i needed. this weekend didn't go quite as planned and it really opened my eyes to a lot. i felt my desperate need for god this weekend. i was reminded that i can only find satisfaction in him. after being so busy for so long, i was forced to slow down this weekend. i realized that i had stopped doing things i love...like running, writing, spending time in deep conversation, reading, etc. it was good to just slow down and re-evaluate my life right now. because i had gotten so busy, i was quickly becoming an unhappy person. but tonight, at many points, i was just deeply satisfied. through out dinner and the movie i was just plain happy. happy to be where i'm at. happy to be who i am. happy to be alive. happy to be loved by the god of the universe. i somehow lost myself last month and i'm slowly working on finding myself once again. thank god for a glass of wine and a chick flick! and grace...we can't forget that. god is good and so merciful.

can i have a weekend please?

life. is. crazy. well, at least right now it is. i've been working non-stop and hanging out with new and old friends whenever i have free time. work is good. between the mission and the coffee shop, i'm exhausted though. i haven't had a day off in a month and a half. but, TOMORROW is my day off...it's also known as labor day, so it's most people's day off. the day is so needed.

the month of september is super busy for me. i'm preparing for many visitors and celebrations. this thursday my friend Andy gets here. he's staying for just the weekend. it should be fun since it's my first weekend off in so long, and i'll have good company. next weekend i am supposed to go to vegas with my friend ashley to celebrate our birthdays. and the weekend after that, my entire family is coming to see me and celebrate with me. my dad's and my brother's-in-law birthday are on the 15th, my bday is on the 21st and my sister's bday is on the 27th...so, we're celebrating all of them together when they come out here on the 19th. i'm so excited for my family to see my realm and to understand why i love this place so much.

besides preparing for people to come visit, i've also been juggling people here in SD. for some reason i've had a handful of people interested in me recently. i'm enjoying being single but i'm really trying to decide what i want right now. i don't just want to date around, but at the same time, i'm in no rush to get married. and right now, i'm presented with a lot of different options. i thought i knew what i wanted, but now i'm not sure. i'm just enjoying my time getting to know new people. this is a very fun and exciting time in my life and i am enjoying it thoroughly. i am blessed by so many people and just the opportunity to be out here.

when i look out the window...

i'm in a really good place right now. this has been a long week, and it's not over yet, but i am loving my life right now. this new job is just what i needed. there are so many things i am thankful for with this job. one of them being its location. not only is it 5 minutes away from me, 5 minutes away from one of my favorite places (balboa park), and not even 5 minutes away from downtown, BUT when i look out the window of our office i see sailboats in the bay. even if i was getting bored with this job, all i'd have to do is look out the window and remember how beautiful this place is.

another thing i love about my job is that i have a balance of being in my office alone and seeing our clients (the homeless). every time i walk downstairs or ride in the elevator, i see someone who WOULD be on the streets if it weren't for the Mission. today when i was walking in, i saw a mother and her two young children. i greeted them with a smile and kept walking. then it dawned on me, those beautiful children would be on the streets if God had not provided the mission for them. it almost brought tears to my eyes just knowing i am taking part in something that really matters. regardless of what my tasks are, big or small, i know that i'm actively working for those who are in need in this city. i feel so blessed.

tonight i am having GNO (girls night out) with my neighbors. it is something they started--once a month we get ready and go out for dinner and drinks. i need this tonight because i've been working so much this week. i work 14 hours tomorrow, so i won't be out too late, but at least i'll be able to kick back for a bit. i work all weekend at the coffee shop (fri., sat., sun.) but saturday night i'm going to a concert with kirsten and i'm pumped. god is good. he is providing all i need and so much more. i finally feel like i'm 'starting' my life after college. it's so hard to find a place once you've crossed over from student/dependent to career/independent. i've found my place for now. ; )

say what?!

well...today was my first day at the new job. if some of you don't know, i got the job at the San Diego Rescue Mission--the one that i had originally interviewed for when i was still in Nebraska.
i really feel like this is where god wanted me in the first place, but it was all in his timing. i had to trust and come out here and wait patiently for him to provide.

today was good. i am not overwhelmed at all, but i am potentially freaking out about the fact that i might be working 14 hour days with both my jobs now. i love the coffee shop job and don't want to quit, but working 8-5 and then 5-10 every night might get a little obnoxious. i'm going to burn out quickly, not to mention miss the joys of cali, which includes the sunshine. BUT all is good. i am so thankful that i now have two jobs instead of none. i'll be able to pay some of my bills now;)

everyone is super nice at the mission and i feel like my transition into the position is going really smoothly. i start full time on monday already and i just found out that i got the position on tuesday. i fear that since this is an office job, which has a lot of monotony, i might get bored with this. but i also know that this position has a lot of potential growth and it could easily become a career. i eventually want to start my own non-profit so learning the behind the scenes is so important right now.

as for life outside of work, things couldn't be better. i love it here (obviously) and i feel like i'm really thriving. i've been running lately and i'm thinking about running a marathon or half marathon sometime in 2009. i ran 4 miles with Beau the other day. we ran along sunset cliffs/the beach. then yesterday i ran 5 miles. my legs are hurting today but i'm starting to get into a schedule. i might even go tonight. it's kind of becoming my outlet. i might just become a runner after all.

i love my church, i'm growing, i'm learning, i'm meeting new people, and i'm finally making a place for myself. god has blessed me so much. i can tell i'm in his will and i can't wait to see what he has next. i can hardly believe this is my life some days.

clarity

this weekend has been one of clarity. i feel like god has answered so many questions that were hanging in the air for quite a while. before i talk more about this weekend, let me give you a glimpse of some things that were hanging in the air.

-first of all, my job situation is always hanging in the air, but it was even more so this weekend because i had to make a decision about a nanny position. the position paid well, but they wanted a year commitment and it was a long drive and long hours. i would've been working/driving for about 60 hours a week.
well, on Friday i got a phone call about a job interview and an email about another nanny position that was in my neighborhood. i still was contemplating the first nanny position until sunday.

-second thing hanging in the air was a friendship with a guy who was/is kind of pursuing me. i needed to decide how i felt about that, and him because we had been hanging out for about a month and i just needed to stop being ambiguous about my feelings. well, i figured it out.

the last two weeks have been busy but fantastic. i really love this place and it feels like home. i'm starting to do things on my own that i couldn't before because i didn't have a car. like the other night, i wanted to watch the sunset...so i just got in my car and drove to the ocean and watched the sunset by myself. it was fantastic. i've been running a lot lately too, and i'm finding so much joy in that. i love balboa park and frequent it at least twice a week. i'm very comfortable here, which kind of scares me, but at the same time excites me. i feel like i've finally found my place and i'm loving life right now. not just life, but MY LIFE. this is MY path, and i am so glad god chose this for me.

as for the job situation. i interviewed today with a non-profit org. that deals with kids in the foster care system and other at-risk youth. the interview went well and reminded me of my passion for children and my desire to believe in them. then i got an email from a friend about the position i originally wanted when i was first moving out here. i was so excited just to hear that that position is even open. i feel like god is holding me in his hand just waiting for the right time to set me down in the place he has made for me. i've been in his hand this whole time, and at points i've been discouraged and impatient, but i've never settled. he's asked me to move and i moved. i've cried out to him for a job that i would love and one in which i could make a difference for his kingdom and for the lives of others. he's been so faithful thus far and i know he will continue to be. i wouldn't want to be anywhere else than here right now. the clouds have parted and i can see a blue sky. the sun is about to rise.

boo DMV, yeah San Diego

i'm not very inspired to write right now since i just spent my entire morning at the DMV, but i will try my hardest to write something exciting.

last time i blogged, it was before kate's wedding. well, the wedding was fantastic and i had a blast with everyone back home. i did, however, feel the way i thought i would about 'home'. as soon as i got on the plane leaving san diego, i wanted to come back. even when i got to nebraska i was ready to turn right around. during the weekend, there were many times where i said to myself, "i love my life right now." watching one of my good friends get married and being back home reminded me that i have made the right choice for my life and i'm exactly where i need to be right now. it was so good to see everyone, but i felt like i had just started life in san diego and had to put it on pause to return to something i knew so well already.

the weekend came to an end quickly and ashley and i left for Cali at 4 am monday morning. we drove all the way through and didn't sleep a flick. once again, i have to admit that i hate Utah. it is so boring, and i never want to drive through that state again. ashley and i weren't delirious until we got to vegas. the 5 hour drive from vegas to san diego seemed like a lifetime. anyways, we got in safely on monday night/tuesday morning. all in all, it was a fabulous road trip. sally, my car, drove wonderfully.

so i've been back for a week, and i'm back into the swing of things. i'm job searching again, which seems to never stop. i have an interview today for a nanny position, which i am excited about. other than that, i have just been working at the coffee shop and walking to balboa park often. i walked there last night and swung on the swings by my lonesome. i haven't been on a swing for a long time. it made me feel youthful.

basically, my life right now is a jumbled mess of good things. i am learning to love this time of uncertainty. it is forcing me to find my identity in christ, since i don't have anything else in which to find it. i'm embracing my adventurous side and loving this new life i've been given. i really couldn't ask for more (except for the DMV to not take up all my time and just give me california license plates without all the paperwork.)

The joys of california living

I haven't written for a while. I feel like I've been very busy. After going to Tijuana a week and a half ago, I've had a really long week. I was sick on and off the whole week, whilst trying to work and preparing for 4th of July. Being sick really frustrated me because I was confined to my bed and I couldn't get anything accomplished. Plus, the weather was gorgeous and I couldn't get out to enjoy it. I didn't even feel good enough to read a book, I just laid there miserably.

Finally after the sickness passed, it was the 4th of July. My friend Kirsten came down to spend the 4th with me and it was SO GOOD to see her. We went to PB in the morning and the OB for the evening (those are both beaches for non-californians). We spent time with new friends and had a very relaxing holiday. Then on Sunday, I had friends from L.A. come down to SD to see me. Robbie and JC, my friends from project three years ago, were here for the afternoon/evening and it was great. JC, Beau (a new friend), and I took a walk through Balboa Park that evening after we ate sushi. I love that I live close enough to walk to Balboa Park. Anyway, it was great. Then I took JC to the airport the next morning early.

Yesterday Annie and I went to Beau's house and ate dinner and then to the beach for a bonfire. We went to a secluded beach and had to climb down a cliff to get there, so it was very adventurous. While we were there, we just sat by the ocean with our fire burning beside us and the sound of the waves beneath us. It hit me at that moment that this is where I live. I could do this every night if I wanted to. I felt very blessed and honored to be in such a beautiful place.

Right now, I am in a very good place I feel--mentally and spiritually. I am loving this time and am growing in Christ. I am very excited to go home for Kate's wedding this weekend, but I'm even more excited to return. I finally feel like I have a place of my own now. After living out of a suitcase for a year, it feels great to have a place like this.

I am stoked for Luke and Kate's wedding this weekend. I'm in it and I know pretty much everyone in the wedding party so it should be a blast. Plus, I get to see so many people whom I love, including my parents. I am not stoked about driving 22 hours back to Cali again. But that's the price I pay for wanting my car out here. Anyway, the point of this post was to say that living in Cali is proving to be so good for my soul. The adventures, the people, the nature are all things bringing me joy. Even though I am struggling STILL to find a full time job and therefore am struggling financially, I trust that this is where God wants me. I am in his will. And that, my friends, overjoys me!

simplicity

i walked to the grocery store today. i have two grocery stores right behind my house, but i really like trader joes and it is about 12 blocks away. so i slipped on an empty backpack, put my ipod on, and began the trek. there is not a cloud in the sky today, so the sun beamed down on me during my walk.

when i got to trader joes, i grabbed a basket and shopped for yummy, healthy food. then i had a pleasant interaction with the man at the register, who's name was benjamin, and i was on my way out again. with a backpack full of groceries weighing me down, i walked slowly. it suddenly dawned on me that this grocery trip was taking more than an hour. i started smiling. i was reminded of my life in peru and how i learned to slow down and simplify. i love that i now live in a place where i can walk to get groceries. i love that i'm not stocking up, but just getting enough for the day or the week. i love that i can interact with more people because i'm walking and not driving. i love that i know my grocery boy's name. i love that i was able to be out in the sunshine enjoying god's nature. i love that i have time for this. i love that i'm here, and life is simple right now. i'm alive and god is alive in me. life is an act of worship and today i got to worship him by just going to the grocery store.

sicky

well, i have only been here a month and i've already been sick (without anyone to take care of me). i went to tijuana on saturday with my church to volunteer at the orphanage and it was great. but when i got home i wasn't feeling well so i went to be early. the next day i worked in the morning and could barely make it through work. i came home and slept most of the afternoon. then i tried to go to church (which was not a good idea since i was still feeling like trash). not even half way through church, i got up and went outside to go home since i was feeling so crummy, and i didn't even make it to the car. i puked outside the church in the yard, in front of the only two guys we know at church. how embarrassing!

then i slept most of the day today and then felt well enough to hang out with the neighbors tonight. i love our neighbors. they're fantastic. i feel so blessed to have them here to hang out with--they're becoming like family. we're hanging out with them on the fourth of july, along with my friend kirsten and her roommate. i love meeting new people. i am excited for this weekend. i get to see a lot of people i haven't seen for a while. kirsten is coming up for the fourth and then a couple days later some of my guy friends from project a couple years ago are coming up.

anyway, i was sick, but now i'm better. and i feel a fun week coming on. life is good. i have no complaints.

early birds have reason to chirp

i've never been a morning person. however, life seems more meaningful when you wake up with the sun. i have worked at a coffee shop for about seven months and that requires waking up at dawn (or before sometimes). i have so much energy when i wake up early. i love working a full morning and getting off at 11 or 12 and having the whole afternoon and evening ahead of you.

i have been setting my alarm earlier and earlier each week. this week my goal was to escape my bed before 9am every day (excluding the days i have to open at the coffee shop anyways). my goal is to find some consistency in the length of my days, therefore creating a fuller life. ha. that sounds funny, but really, you can't LIVE while you're sleeping. i am slowly becoming a morning person. yay!

p.s. i'm working on my book today. i haven't written in so long and i'm pumped and motivated.

tinee-weenee-polkadot-bikini

i was at the beach today. the sun was out, i was enjoying the sound of the waves crashing below me, and reading a wonderful book (Bridget Jones: edge of reason). i was wearing my favorite swimsuit, reading a book, when suddenly a shadow hovered over my pages and a voice began to speak.

"i like your swimsuit"

without thinking or looking up from my pages, i began to thank the person above me commenting on my girly swimsuit black and white striped with red polkadots and bows on the sides. but, to my surprise, i look up to see a fifty year-old man WEARING my swimsuit. THE EXACT GIRLY SWIMSUIT!

i quickly look back down at my open book, trying hard not to laugh (or scream). the voice starts in again.

"of course it looks much better on you than me."

i force an awkward laugh and thank you out of my jaw-dropped mouth and glance back up at the man. my eyes, unsure where to look, shoot over to my friend beside me who has her nose buried in her book. i have no escape at this moment and there are no words. so i choose to ignore the man in my swimsuit standing above me, blocking my sunshine. i read the same sentence, what feels like, a million times and the man is still standing there. finally he leaves. i whisper to annie what had just occurred and we laugh for the next hour.

the man pulled up a beach towel about 60 feet from us and began to read a book. i wondered if he was, by chance, reading Bridget Jones too.

i had an unforgettably wonderful day here in california today. below you can see the clearly-female bikini that both my friend and i were wearing. i sure am glad i chose that one this morning when i got dressed for the beach...otherwise it wouldn't have been nearly as great of a day as it was.

What to do...

Right now i am sitting on the stairs outside my apartment enjoying the afternoon sun. these stairs are starting to become one of my favorite places. we live on third floor and the stairs by our door lead to nowhere (a.k.a. the roof). so, i sit on them to catch some rays, have phone conversations, or just to get out of the apartment for a second. it just so happens that i get internet on these stairs too. and, if you climb over the barricade to the roof you can see fireworks at night. it's pretty great.

i'm starting to get established here, little by little. i just started working at the coffee shop across the street from our apartment. the people there are really laidback and hilarious. i think i'll fit in just fine ; ) i also found a great church and have been going to some of their community offerings. last night i went to some guys house, along with thirty-some other people and we talked, sang, and discussed past sunday's sermon. the people there were all really welcoming and genuine. they meet every tuesday and i think i'll get to know people really well through that group. there's also a sunday luncheon for newbies at the church, so i'm going to that too. and, in two weeks i'm going to mexico to volunteer in an orphanage and play with the kiddies.

mexico is 45 minutes away b.t.w.

i really feel god is guiding us during this time of transition. i mean, we got plugged into a church so quickly and we already feel like it's our church home. it's really encouraging.

as for the job search...i am still seeking and not finding. BUT with this coffee shop job i'll be able to get some income and not feel completely worthless...plus i'll get to know people and form a network of some sort. the lord has been really tugging at my heart in many ways since the move. i have had to trust him, and i'm still having to, more than i can ever remember trusting before. i don't know how long it will take me to get a full time job. i don't know how i'm going to pay rent next month. i don't know when i'll establish good friends here. but i do know the lord is good. he brought me here. and i feel him more now than i ever did in NE in the past 6 months.

i am encouraged. and i finally feel like i live here. p.s. we get a couch this weekend. i am so excited! we've been sitting on the floor for 3 weeks. ha. i'm also excited to go home soon and get the rest of my stuff, including my car. our apartment still feels so empty. soon that will change. this process of starting over takes a while. i'm learning how to be patient...really patient.

transition smansition

right now i live at the beach, at the coffee shop, and on the internet searching for jobs. i am trying so so so hard to love this down time, but it is almost impossible. my mind does not let me rest when i know i don't have a job. i am in constant searching for anything, and nothing turns up.

i read a blog on transition and it talked about two feelings that you experience during transition: elation and sorrow. i experience both daily. i both love and hate this time of my life. i am so excited for new things: friends, jobs, communities, etc. but the uncertainty of this transition can really get to me some days. yesterday was a fantastic day. today was just okay. tomorrow is unknown. i do know one thing...god is drawing me closer each day with this uncertainty.

i found a pretty good church yesterday and i'm excited to get involved. i need to start volunteering somewhere with all this time i have on my hands. that will be my goal this week--to find a place to pour myself into while i wait for a job opportunity. i'm slowly transitioning, but just in the past two days have i realized that this transition has moved from point A to point B. it's crawling, but at least i see movement. i'm slowly meeting people, making my regular places feel like home, and realizing i live in southern california. god's moving my heart in some direction...don't know where it's headed, but i know i'll find purpose in this time when it gets there.

my life is just so very different from my friends' lives right now. i had a conversation with a friend who's getting married the other day and this is how it went.

You: choosing cake decorations
Me: laying at the beach
You: preparing to spend the rest of your life with someone
Me: single and don't know a single man in san diego
You: working a full-time job, stuck
Me: unemployed, a nomad

you get the point. and it went on. i wouldn't change this time for anything. but there are days that i wish it was something else. there are days i wish i was married and settled. but then if that were the case i wouldn't be able to pick up and move across the country...and follow my nomad heart. what i really want is someone to be a nomad with me...permanently. ; )

so today i say, 'transition smansition.'

discouraged but hopeful

i've been here for a week and two days. i have an apartment that is slowly coming together, but is more than livable. i have been job searching on a daily basis for 9 days (not to mention the 6 months before that). i've gone to the beach twice in the last week. i met a new friend last night. and with all of this, i am still discouraged.

i didn't realize the height of my expectations until i got here. i was thinking, since things were going so slowly in Nebraska, that when i got here things would fall right into place. and quickly. don't get me wrong, we found our apartment quickly and moved in as soon as we could (although it was not quick enough). but this job search is just continuous and relentless. i had an interview a couple days ago and i thought it went really well. then today i got a 'thank you' in the mail from them saying they needed someone with more experience. i just feel so inadequate for everything for which i'm applying. i'm so sick of being rejected.

i know i have a lot to offer. but it's just not in the corporate setting. it's not in making a profit. it's in people. it's in relationships. i need to just be patient and persevere. the problem with patience is that it doesn't pay the bills. and the more patience i have, the quicker my money runs out. god help me, but i'm asking for patience.

the first day of a new week

well, i have now slept in my new apartment two nights. i spent the whole day at IKEA yesterday buying furniture. i have plans to meet a new friend on wednesday for sushi. and i just officially changed my address with the post office. i live in san diego.

i've technically been here since tuesday morning, but today is the first day that it feels like i am really starting my life here. as i sit in this coffee shop (that is an amazing one block away from my apartment), i have to ask myself how i got here. i know i've been planning this move for a long time, but now that i'm here i almost can't believe it. i've been so stressed out all week with trying to find an apartment, job hunting, furniture shopping, and everything else. now that i can kinda breathe, i realize how excited i really am. there are just so many opportunities here, so many different types of people, and so much to do.

i am so happy with our decision on apartments. annie and i were torn between two very different places: one was a beautiful two bedroom in a kinda-sketchy neighborhood, and the other was a huge one bedroom in an amazing neighborhood 5 minutes away from everything. we went with the one with location and now, i couldn't be happier. we went to dinner the other night three blocks away from our apartment and met a homeless man named Bill. Bill asked for some money outside of the restaurant and instead of giving him money i invited him in for dinner. bill was a little crazy, but he was so thankful and such a delight to be around (for me at least). bill reminded me of why i moved here. i came here for people like him. i came here to be a friend to the nomads. i came here to share dinner with a lonely soul on the street. i came here to be jesus' hands and feet. and now i'm here and i never want to forget what brought me here. i am humbled that god brought me all this way and has blessed me with so much support with my family and friends. i am where i'm supposed to be.

a few things

1. i'm in san diego.
2. i'm signing a lease on an apartment tomorrow.
3. i'm broke.
4. i'm taking one day at a time.
5. i'm still jobless.
6. i'm still hopeful.
7. i'm pretty darn happy.

to be continued...

two days left

well, tomorrow is my last day of work. the next day i drive to my parents' house and pack my car up. and the next day i'm on the road to california.

i've done well so far. no fear. no hesitation. no doubt...

until the other day. there was a brief moment where i almost believed what the world thought of my life. i almost believed i was crazy for moving to california with no money, no job, no place to live. but then i realized, faith is not about having plans. faith is about trusting that whatever needs to happen will happen if only i take the first step. if there is one thing i could choose to be known for, it would be my faith. faith in a better life--for me and this world. faith in goodness and truth and purity. faith in love. faith in a king. faith in jesus christ.

god has never failed me. i've made some really weird decisions based on faith, and they've always brought me to a better place. fear is not really a word in my vocabulary and i'm not sure how i became that way, but i am thankful. i'm thankful that i don't have to fear a life of monotony. i am thankful i don't have to fear failure because i've already won. i am thankful that i don't have to fear death. the only thing i fear is a life full of regrets and a mind full of memories from a safety zone.

so with two days left and no plans set, i fear nothing.
'if god is for us, who can be against us'

the after-vacation blues

well, i got home yesterday from my sister's wedding in antigua. we were 17 degrees north of the equator and i got a pretty good tan. it was a crazy week--one i will probably never forget, but i am now exhausted. the wedding was beautiful and it was so good to spend time with my wonderful family.

now one day back into reality, i am semi-depressed. you know that dreadful time after vacation that everyone has? well, i have it right now. i'm stressed out because i have to find an apartment in san diego before i move...but that's hard to do when i'm not there. so i'm taking a huge leap of faith and just going--probably without an apartment. we have a place we could stay for a short while but i don't wanna put her out, so i'd rather have something set up when we got there.

i'm trying not to stress out but money is just so tight and i have no definite plans so i'm just throwing myself into the ocean, hoping not to drown. i am, however, excited to jump in and see where the tide takes me.

i didn't really get to spend much time with god while i was on vacation...which was disappointing but my own fault. i can't believe how much my spiritual life fluctuates depending on the people i am around. i'm ready to find a community in which i can thrive and be encouraged. so now i am working on moving forward with the lord and seeking his will for my life--even if it doesn't make sense. at this point, i don't even feel like i'm making sense. these ramblings come from a tired mind. i will blog later this week about things i learned on my trip. right now, i just need sleep.

simply wonderful

the sunshine brought me outside today. i had about 20 minutes to chill before i met with a friend for dinner so i decided to take my camera to the park.

i just sat and enjoyed the beauty of nature and the simple joy i received by just being in it. above are some of the pictures i took. after a conversation about simplicity at dinner, drew and i climbed up on top of his roof and watched the sun set.

as i sat there on a rooftop in downtown lincoln, i felt at peace and simple. i didn't feel like i was in lincoln. in fact, i didn't feel like i was anywhere...i was just simply there. sometimes we must just exist. just breathe. just be.

so tonight, as i enjoyed nature and human nature, i found contentment in just being alive. i had no worries, no concerns, no hopes. i just observed. it was simply wonderful.

sha la la la la

i'm in a good place right now. i can feel this transition period coming to an end and i know i am about to thrive. i leave for my sister's wedding on friday and i'm super excited. for months i've been using my sister's wedding as the break in my timeline. i've said, 'i'm sticking around NE until my sister gets married and then i'm off to start my life.'

i feel god preparing me for a really exciting time ahead. first off, i feel him drawing near to me as i draw near to him. i'm craving time with him and finding it super easy to just be in his presence. i'm ready to take this next step of life. i have a couple options right now. i could join student staff for summer in the city--L.A. and spend a month in L.A. and then move to san diego. or, i could go right to san diego and start job hunting while i'm hopefully working part time at a store (where i have connections with the manager). if i go to LA for a month, i need to raise $800-$1,000 in support. for some reason i feel like god is leading me more towards this. that way i could be in LA growing and learning and be able to travel to san diego on the weekends to search for apartments. i feel like this option would be an easier transition for me and it would be exactly what i need to decide what i want to do with my immediate future.

i know i want a job working with the poor. whether that means working directly with them at a homeless shelter, or working behind the scenes at a non-profit. i just know that is where my heart is and i can't ignore that. i want to be an advocate for the poor and oppressed and i'm not sure exactly how to do that. i am sure, however, that god will show me the way.

i am confident that in taking this step of faith, the lord will not leave me to fall on my face. i trust he will be there providing for me and speaking to me, even if it's not easy. i'm just ready. so, i'm going and i couldn't be more excited.

a new day

today was a new day, a fresh start. last night i cried for the first time in 4 months...well, since the day i left peru. it was a much-needed cry. it wasn't because i didn't get the job (that was only part of it), but it was because i felt neglected and trapped. i realized this is something i do to myself. being a strong, independent woman, i sometimes give off the vibe that i don't need help (or pray, or conversation, or whatever). i do things all on my own, and then after a while...it just gets old. i get lonely and complain about no one caring or investing in me. when really, i didn't ask anyone to.

the funny thing is, as i cried out to god last night, complaining that i have no one thinking about me, he heard my cry louder than ever. today i got multiple messages and phone calls of people just plain 'thinking about me'. i felt loved today. plus it was a sunny day and i ran outside around the lake again. then i sat on a picnic table and read my bible and wrote. it couldn't have been more peaceful. it was apparent people were praying for me today and god was watchin' out.

Psalm 31 really spoke to me today. here's a couple verses to leave you with.
"Love the Lord, all you faithful ones! For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him, but he harshly punishes all who are arrogant. So be strong and take courage, all you who put your hope in the Lord." (v.23-24)

where to go from here...

well, today was a sad day. i found out i did not get the job i was waiting on. they were deciding between me and one other girl and they got really busy so they hired the other girl because she already lives in san diego. not gonna lie, i'm kinda heart broken and bitter right now.

i thought for so long that this was my 'out' and that god had placed this job in front of me because it was perfect for me. i was confident that the lord would provide but now i'm just really discouraged. i'm just SO READY to get out and start life on my own and i feel like i keep getting set back. i know this is still a transition time but i just don't know how much longer i can handle 'transition'. i want so badly to be in a new community where i thrive, where i have a job that i love, and i'm helping people. i thought this job would be a great start for all those things, and now i feel like i just have to settle. i hate settling. i'm not gonna wait forever though...i'm just gonna go.

i decided, i'm moving at the end of may regardless of if i have a job or not. if i need to take out a loan or whatever, i will. but i have to get out of here. it's just time.

i've felt called to california for so long so what am i waiting for? clearly no one is going to hire me while i'm here in nebraska, so i'm just going. that's it. my friend told me today, 'sometimes god wants us to do things that don't make sense; that's the first step.' well, that's just what i'm gonna do. i'm going whether it's financially smart or not. i can't wait here forever, and i can't work at a coffee shop forever. i need to do what i'm passionate about and frankly, i'm sick of waiting.

this blog is getting a little long but this is my vent session so there's no telling when it will stop. it's just so hard right now because everyone has something and i feel like i've got nothing. for example, everyone around me is defined by what they are: a student, a wife, a mother, a banker, an artist, a fiance, a teacher, etc.

but right now i am defined by nothing. all i have going for me is that i'm a college graduate...and look how far that has gotten me. i'm just ready, and i feel like god keeps saying 'no'. it's so frustrating. i don't know where to go from here.

embracing this day

well, actually i'm embracing a new hairdo mostly. thought i'd go a little crazy, so this is the first step of the craziness. and i love it.

today is my day off and i've been preparing for sunday and working on my book. i don't know what it is about a day off when you haven't had one in a long while, but it allows you to do whatever you want and not feel guilty even one bit. for example...i think i slept a full 12 hours, and didn't even remotely feel worthless.

days off allow me to slow down and look around. i can embrace the life i have right now and i love that. i'm continually in this transition stage, but i'm more than fine with it. i'm single. i'm free to make my own choices. and i am my own person. i'm slowly falling more in love with god in this transition period because i have to learn to trust him since i have NO idea what is next. as i wait for an answer about this job in cali, i feel more relaxed about it every day.

each day brings new possibilities, but days off bring even more possibilities and i love that. i've been writing about innocence today in my book, and oddly, i feel pretty innocent today. i feel like god's child more today than i did yesterday--maybe it's because i've had less responsibility today on my day off. i don't know, but at this very moment i love my life. i have nothing to complain about. even though the sun doesn't shine on my day off, i can still find joy. even though i work tomorrow, i can still enjoy this very moment. i think this contentment is known as god's presence. i can't explain it any other way.

i have hope of a great future, yet, i don't really think of the future, but of right now. these ramblings might not make any sense but this is the lesson i am learning in life right now--contentment on a day-to-day basis.

just can't do it

i have been asked to speak at church this coming sunday. i'm supposed to talk about what god taught me while i was in peru and the life-changing experience i've had. i said yes of course, but as i prepare to talk, i am speechless.

i'm going through my journals, searching for something...a theme, a lesson, a cry of my heart. but the harder i try to process and try to find something to say, the more i realize i never processed in the first place. my mind just can't do it. it's too hard to process. i don't know if it's because i had such a hard time there and my mind is wanting to repress those memories or if i have neglected the process of processing after coming home from something like this.

i feel like the world issues i have to deal with when processing (poverty, justice, solidarity, etc.) are just too hard for me right now. how do you force yourself to think about something you just don't want to think about?

i think it's hard to ponder these things because of the place i'm in right now. i'm in a transition phase and i have yet to invest in activities or groups that allow me to act on these world issues because i'm about to leave again. i feel like a constant nomad. and until i find a place or community to call my home, i'm hesitant to invest and make a move in advocating for the poor. is that terrible? am i being super selfish right now because i'm trying to figure out where and what before i speak? maybe i'm waiting and i shouldn't be. who knows!

friends

i just want to write right now, and sense i feel today's topic in life is friends, that's just what i'll write about.

i watched a video of my friends in peru and it made me miss them terribly. then i talked to my dear friend erin, whom i haven't talked to in months. then i spent time with my friends at work. and, of course, i have been at home with my bestest, jenna, all day. not to mention, went to a movie with jen and annie last night (the two friends i see the most). oh, and i talked to my dearest ashley yesterday. i am so very blessed by all of these friendships. i don't think there's ever been a time in my life where i've had so many great girlfriends. i love that the older i get, the more girlfriends i get. this used to not be the case.

i still have lots of guy friends, but i always had to deal with the fact that when i was seriously dating someone those guy friends couldn't be as close. i also had to realize that when marriage comes, my guy friends will have to disappear as close friends and become distant acquaintances. so, with all this said, the older i get, the more i appreciate my girlfriends and the long-lasting relationships they are and will continue to be.

it is great to love and be loved--even if it is just by friends. i feel blessed today.

'stop-loss'

i just came from the movie 'stop-loss' and i am overwhelmed with emotion. the movie is about a soldier who wants out of the war but is forced to return to iraq anyway. i won't give anything away, just in case someone wants to see it, but i will tell you it's a really hard movie to watch.

for me, it is hard to take interest in the war since it's A) not here in the states, and B) lasting so long. i forget that there are soldiers fighting and dying for our freedom every day. this movie reminded me how sad the whole situation is. i just cried the whole second half of the movie, watching the results and complications from the war in the lives of these men. mentally, these soldiers are a mess--which is expected, and physically, some of them are torn apart (literally). i know this is no surprise because these are just the facts of war, but it is so sad. i can't imagine having to kill someone in order to not be killed yourself. i can't imagine trying to deal with all the sights of bloody war. and, at this point, i can't even imagine having a close friend or family member who has been to war. their experience takes a toll on every relationship they have.

my heart longs for peace. this war makes me really sad, and i hurt for the family members with soldiers over in iraq right now. i hurt for those who are back and dealing with their issues now. even more, beyond the war in iraq, i hurt for those in conflict all over the globe. the children in uganda who have been, and still are, child soldiers. the people of rwanda dealing with the genocide in the 90's still. and so many more.

how do we help this world find peace? i don't know that answer, but i do know peace comes on an individual basis. we must lead one person at a time to the prince of peace because, god knows, we can't give someone peace. they must find it on their own. and the only source of peace i know is named jesus. i want this world to be a better place for future generations, so my prayer today is that i'll do my best to bring peace to the lives affected by my life.

before i end this post, i want to say thank you to the men and women who willingly choose to go into war for a bigger cause. i pray they would be brought back home unharmed. i pray this war would come to an end.

cucumbers and lettuce

thought you'd like a story.

as some of you may know, i work at a coffee shop. this coffee shop is also attached to a sandwich shop, so we sell coffee and sandwiches. today some lady ordered a sandwich in the drive thru. she wanted cucumbers and lettuce. i repeated the sandwich and asked her 3 times if she wanted anything MORE on the cucumber/lettuce sandwich. the answer...no.

so when she gets to the window, she tells me our turning radius on the drive thru isn't right and the speaker is too far away. she states, "it's a construction problem." i thank her, hand her her cucumber/lettuce sandwich and send her on her way.

a good 40 minutes pass and a voice on the drive thru says, "yeah, i was just here and i ordered a tuna sandwich with cucumbers and lettuce, but there's no tuna."

as we laugh behind the counter at the cucumber/lettuce lady who wanted us to read her mind and put tuna on the sandwich, we make a new one. i give her the sandwich and apologize, and guess what she does...

she gives me a TIP!

well okay then. story over. now, on to more important things. i'm still waiting to hear about this job in cali. i interviewed twice and i've been in correspondence with them for about a month now. she said we'll make a decision 'soon', but i'm not sure what soon is. so again, my life is kinda on hold. i've been working so much lately that i haven't really had time for my writing. friday is my day off and the rest of this week i have some afternoons off, so i'm excited to work on my book. i'm becoming inspired by my daily encounters with people at the coffee shop, so it will help my writing. okay, i have an early morning coffee call so i'm out. i think i'll have a tuna salad sandwich with lots of lettuce and cucumbers tomorrow--hold the tuna.

sunny sunday

sunny sunday. it's sunday. church was good. my friends and i are are goofy today. because the sun is out, i am reminded of sunny sundays in peru. all of these things make me very happy.

it's been a weird week, but now i feel the newness of sunday morning washing away my past week and bringing me a fresh one. last week i failed to do things i love--one of them being my writing, another being spending time with god. this week i vow to do only things i want and love to do, claiming them as god's and finding joy in that.

as i wait for an answer about this job, i realize that if i am offered the job, i only have 3 weekends left here. it all seems really fast if that's the case, but i'm really ready. so as i play the waiting game, my hope is that i soak up this time. this time of familiarity, time of friendship, and time of rest. although i am excited about a new adventure, i don't want to write off this time that i am here. so today i am thankful for all the things i am so familiar with and all the people that have been in my life for so long. i hope they all have a sunny sunday too.

april fools!

i was awaken this morning by a text message from my sister that read:

'The wedding's off! Call me.'

rubbing my eyes, and trying to figure out what could have happened between last night and this morning that the wedding would be off, i dialed her number.
she answered the phone, "April fools!"

nice. i have to give it to her--it was probably the best joke i've heard out of her mouth in a while. you see, she's the queen of cheesy, so this one was pretty good.

all in all, my day has been a pretty entertaining one, and it's far from over. i'm sitting at the mill right now and there is the cutest old grandma sitting next to me. she's probably 75, she has a black sweatsuit on and a cute coach purse. the best thing is, she's listening to her mp3 player and doing a crossword, whilst dancing. i love it!

then, to top off my Mill experience, a boy who was sitting across from me when i came in earlier, pulled some hilarious stunt--or was it? he had been sitting across from me for maybe the first 30 minutes of my time here. we hadn't made eye contact once...not once. i took a phone call and was on my computer the rest of the time. he stands up, grabs his stuff and walks over to me. this was our conversation--no joke:

'Excuse me' him
'Yes' me
'I was, um, won...wondering if, um, I cou...could take you out fo...for dinner sometime. (Breath) Wow, that was a lot of stuttering.'
Me, (not knowing how to respond since i didn't even know this kid's name) 'Well, I'm actually planning on moving, but I'm here a lot so maybe next time we're here we can sit and talk.'
'Oh, well can I have your number then?' him (bold as ever)
Me, (still not knowing where the heck this kid came from) 'Well, I typically don't give my phone number out so soon...'
Him, interrupting, 'Then can i give you mine?'
Me, (feeling sorry for the kid), 'Sure, what is it?'

THEN, to end the awkwardness, we shake hands, exchange names, and he walks away. and don't let me forget to mention the silent roomful of people listening to this awkward encounter, trying to hold back laughter.

at any point in that conversation, an 'April fools' could have been added and i would have fallen out of my chair onto the floor, nearly dying of laughter. however, i'm still waiting for the 'April fools'. guess i should be flattered, right? oh, life. how fun.

rainy day

it rained all night last night, and it's a gloomy, drizzly day today. i'd say i hate this weather because typically i do, but i can't hate it when i know what comes next. i know that a rainy day in the beginning of spring is sure to bring greenness--green grass, green trees, green flowing hills. not to mention, new life. flowers are already starting to bloom and my heart skips a beat each time i see them open just a little more. the thing is, before the beauty of spring must come the ugly preparation and waiting period.

this season is my life right now. i'm living out the rainy days the best i can while i wait for something beautiful. i'm still waiting for answers on my dream job. i'm still waiting for a date that i'll be moving out to Cali. i'm still waiting for this temporary period back in NE to end. the thing that keeps me going is knowing what comes next. knowing that the lord will bring greenness and new life to this ever-waiting life of mine. i have faith that the rain has a purpose, and without it, the green just wouldn't be as green. so on this rainy spring day, i will embrace the clouds for i know the sun lies not far behind them. i know new life, a fresh start, is on its way.

spring and summer are on their way...

i can't wait for...
-rainbows after a storm
-ice cold water after a run
-porch swings
-the smell of fresh-cut grass
-fireworks
-rolled-down windows in my car
-permanent sunglass-wearing
-fresh fruit
-flip flops
-skirts
-the weather, and ability, to hand wash my car
-ice cream cones filled with mint-chip ice cream, being eaten while on a walk with a dear friend
-the stars
-reading books outside on the grass
-smiling at people for no reason
-fans
-colorful flowers
-new life
-iced coffee outside
-trampolines
-sand between my toes
-juice
-sunrise, sunset...the sun. period.

i used to be a fall person, one who loved cool weather and embraced winter when it came slowly. but now i'm finding a love for all seasons. (especially after being in winter for 6 months out of the year--in peru and in the states) it's time for some sunshine in my life. i'm ready for new life, new love, a new season. i'm ready to flourish.

Psalm 33

this psalm has been returning to me a lot recently. instead of telling you how i feel about it, i'll let you read it's powerful words yourself. it just lets me rest in the fact that the lord is the only one who can save me in this crazy world. he's the only one who understands and the only one in whom i can trust.

v.1 "Let the godly sing with joy to the Lord, for it is fitting to praise him.
Praise the Lord with melodies on the lyre; make music for him on the ten-stringed harp.
Sing new songs of praise to him; play skillfully on the harp and sing with joy.
FOR THE WORD OF THE LORD HOLDS TRUE, AND EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WORTHY OF OUR TRUST.
He loves whatever is JUST AND GOOD, and his unfailing love fills the earth.
The Lord merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born.
He gave the sea its boundaries and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs.
Let everyone in the world fear the Lord, and let everyone stand in awe of him.
For when he spoke, the world began! It appeared at his command.
The Lord shatters the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes.
But the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken.
What joy for the nation whose God is the Lord, whose people he has chosen for his own.
THE LORD LOOKS DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND SEES THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE.
From his throne he observes all who live on the earth.
HE MADE THEIR HEARTS, SO HE UNDERSTANDS EVERYTHING THEY DO.
The best-equipped army cannot save a king, nor is great strength enough to save a warrior.
Don't count on your warhorse to give you victory--for all its strength, it cannot save you.
But the Lord watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailing love.
He rescues them from death and keeps them alive in times of famine.
WE DEPEND ON THE LORD ALONE TO SAVE US. Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in his holy name.
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, FOR OUR HOPE IS IN YOU ALONE."

i trust in him alone.

god's hand

i really feel like the lord's hand is on me right now. i feel him protecting me, guiding my heart, and guiding my steps. i am so excited for my interview today and i have a peace about it that only comes from him. as i research the place i'm interviewing at, i fall more in love with their mission and what they are doing to change the world one person at a time. i just want to be there.

this month has brought back so many memories of my summer in LA and it's awakening desires i hadn't thought of for a while. i want so badly to be in a place where i am in contact with the poor on a daily basis. i want to love those who need it most. i want to support those with no family. i want to hope in those who are given up on daily. i want god to use me to speak to those who need to hear truth. i want to walk in solidarity with those who struggle walking alone. i just want to be there.

i trust that, even if this job doesn't work out, god will provide something that will fulfill these desires. i know that he wants me to be in a place where i thrive. and so do i. i trust he will place me there in his own timing. i guess i just hope that is soon. i am so excited.

my dream job...

so, i have an interview on thursday for my dream job. i can't even explain how excited i am about this possibility. i feel blessed to even have gotten a call for this job. i'm trying not to get too excited about it because it's not like i have the job, but at the same time, i really feel like it's a huge possibility i could.

i won't reveal what it is, but for those who know me well, know that it's probably something in california and it probably has to deal with working with the poor. a perfect fit for me.

every night i tell god, 'i trust you with my heart and i know you won't let these desires be wasted.' he has never failed me before. his faithfulness continues to show up in my life just exactly when i'm ready. i feel him working in and through me and i don't even know how to explain how i feel right now. i guess i just feel blessed.

i know life is not about work, but work takes a part of your life so loving what you do is so very important. i can see myself thriving in this job. it really would be a perfect balance for me. oh man, i can feel my heart jumping out of my chest. i'm so excited.

i'm a sleepy head

i've been so tired lately, but haven't been sleeping well. today i took a two hour nap and it was fantastic! i woke up feeling like i just wasted the afternoon though. then i remembered the sermon i heard this morning about rest.

i sometimes feel guilty for not working or not doing something productive that will push me into something else more important than whatever it is i'm doing at that time. the point is, we need rest and maybe i just haven't been getting enough of it. i mean, i only work part time and i have a lot of time on my hands, so i get a lot of sleep. but my mind hasn't let me sleep restfully. i'm constantly thinking and i wish i could just shut it off sometimes.

i don't know--finding rest is so hard to do. you can only find it in the lord, and even then it's hard to sit and be still when the world moves around you so quickly. above all else this week, i hope and pray i can find rest in my maker.

exhausted...

i'm exhausted but i still want to get in a little daily writing. i worked today for quite a while and it was nothing but running...so my feet are tired and i'm ready for a good nights' rest.

i was talking to a co-worker tonight about where my life is headed. i know that working in a coffee shop right now and living in lincoln is only temporary, so the advice he gave me was encouraging. he said, 'everyone is searching for god's will in their lives. sometimes we can never decide which desires are truly god's will for us. but, the desires that just won't go away are most likely god's will and should be followed.' he said this because i had mentioned my heart for california and the fact that it just won't go away. i don't want to move to cali for the sunshine. i don't want to move for the fame. i just want to be where my heart is, and i feel-and have felt for a long time-that it's in cali.

so, after a hard days work and an exhaustion from applying for jobs in cali, i remain hopeful. i have faith that god will act when the timing is perfect. so until then, i actively wait and seek.

youthfulness

last night i decided that i'm young. i've been feeling old for multiple reasons since i returned from peru--everyone is getting married, we're out of school, some of my friends are having kids, etc. and then last night i decided 23 is so young. i still have so much to do and to learn...i'm inexperienced and have so much ahead of me. let's just call me a young supple peach (just because i like peach everything not because i look like a peach).

ecclesiastes has become one of my favorite books in the bible in the last couple years. i opened up to ecc 11 today and felt encouraged in my youthfulness. first of all, a couple verses tell exactly what i feel and think every day lately...here they are: "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God's ways are as hard to discern as the pathways of the wind, and as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in a mother's womb. Be sure to stay busy and plant a variety of crops, for you never know which will grow--perhaps they all will." (v.4-6)

it's like i've been waiting on god, because that's what we do as christians. but waiting and lying dormant are two very different things. there are so many times that i do wait for 'perfect' conditions before i make a move. but there's no need. even if i move too quick, the god of the universe will catch me when i fall. the second part of the verse (god's ways are as hard to discern as the wind) has been hitting me over and over again. it's a windy day today--in fact, too windy to enjoy the outdoors, even with the sun being out. as i look out the window of this coffee shop, i see straggler leaves blow by. although the majority of them blow to my left, some blow to my right. the trees sway back and forth and the dust blows uphill. the direction is unknown and the wind is powerful. that's how i feel god's will is in my life right now.

okay, the last part of the verse is a new insight for me. 'be sure to stay busy and plant a variety of crops...' i've been wondering lately what my niche is. i love kids and enjoy ministering to them. i love writing and am trying to write a book. but i just don't know where the lord wants me to pour myself into. i feel like this verse is telling me, i don't have to choose just one thing. i can love and invest in all of them. later on in chapter 11 it says, "Young man (woman), it's wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do." life is starting to seem so simple in principle...through god's word. basically, do what my heart desires as long as it's in line with god's desires. and know that what is good and what is true, claim it as god's.

today, on this windy and sunny day, i embrace youthfulness. on this day, i embrace the creator. the creator of mystery, of beauty, and of grace. i willingly fall into his hands. jumping, even when the conditions aren't perfect. i invite you to jump with me.

choose your destiny

i was thinking/praying last night and it dawned on me that we choose our lives. yes, god created us, placed us in a family, and has a will for our lives. but we choose every day if we're going to follow that will and we choose what we do with it.

for example, i am here in lincoln right now because i believe it is god's will. i don't know why he has me here--but he does. the catch is he has given me freedom in being here. i complain that i don't have anything to do and i don't know what i should do, but the thing is, it's my choice. i've been choosing to not do much. i choose every day to either lay in bed for a little longer and feel sorry about myself, or get up and be active, making for a productive and happy day.

i guess after contemplating my life recently, i've seen that i have no reason not to trust god. i mean, ever since my senior year of high school i've been hearing his voice clearly, and each time i choose to follow, he amazes me with something. right now i can't see what the amazing thing is (or will be). i do know however, that i'm in the right place. i am with two of my best friends supporting them and loving them as they finish college and i just wait around. i'm taking this time to write a book, to knit a skirt, to take a long walk, to read, and to figure out what i want to do next.

lately i've been telling god i trust him because i have no reason not to. he's never failed me and i trust he never will. but just because i trust him and wait for him to speak, that doesn't mean i don't have freedom in choosing what's next. i do. it's called free will. and that's the beauty of god's creation in our relationship. he loves us more than anything, but allows us to choose to love him back. he has a plan for us, but allows us to choose our own plan. he's always there waiting when we choose wrong. the key to life is wanting to choose the same plan god has already chosen for you. i'm actively seeking that plan.

alive again

this has been a great week. i'm feeling again--no longer numb to the tornado called life spinning around me. the sun has been out multiple times this week and my heart has begun to smile on a more consistent basis.

i guess it just took me getting out of my current state and being 'forced' to have fun in vegas in order to turn me around. this week i have successfully communicated my joy. i worked wednesday and friday and loved every minute of serving others. i ran outside, i talked with old friends, i worked out (daily), and i started writing again. i've been encouraged by the smallest things this week.

a friend emailed me and told me to not feel bad that i'm not following the 'norm' of life--which is graduate, career, marriage, family. he told me not rushing into things is called freedom and it's a great thing. i couldn't agree more. i'm free right now and there's no better time to embrace it. i feel like i'm coming out of a dark cave and the sunlight on my face feels so warm it's calling me to another step toward the light.

i know i have purpose and i'm getting excited about my future. i know the lord will do what he wants with me, but i'm really starting to trust that whatever that is will be good. i'm laughing again and am waking up in the morning with purpose. this didn't just come. if that were the case, i would have made it come a long time ago. but instead there was a time and a purpose for this darkness and there was a savior pulling me out of it. how fitting it is that i feel like a the stone has been rolled away and i'm a new creation as easter approaches.

i love life again. that calls for celebration.

long time

it's been a long time since i've written...at all. i miss it. i went to vegas last weekend with my sisters for my sister's bachelorette party and i've been away from my computer, so my writing has been non-existent.

today was such a great day. i woke up early, worked at the coffee shop with some amazing people, applied for jobs in so-cal and went running outside. then i saw some beautiful friends tonight, talked to some dear friends on the phone, and got home before midnight. today i remembered that i love life.

i've been in a slump for way too long now, and i feel like i'm finally coming out of it. i'm starting to get excited about my future again and i'm realizing my attitude is a choice. i choose to be happy. life is too short to be grumpy.

there are so many opportunities in this lifetime and i don't want to pass any up because i'm too busy complaining about my current situation.

today i experienced joy. and i can only credit that to god, because there's no way i found it myself. so today i am thankful.

Bridget Jones is my hero right now

i'm reading Bridget Jones's Diary right now and am delighted. the front cover exclaims it's "screamingly funny"...and IT IS! i don't remember the last time i laughed this much while reading a book. i probably never have.

i feel oddly connected with "Bridge" because of her unhappiness with herself...with her weight, her love life, her calorie intake, etc. she's single and she hates herself, but yet she's so magnificent. i'm borderline obsessed with the book right now.

i am just excited a piece of literature could give me so much joy. i love that i'm out of school and can read for pleasure now. it makes a world of a difference in the way i read. love it.

my heart smirks

i've been home sick all week. i have sinus infection and a nasty cough. monday i found out i had to come home for a doctor's appointment. i got here monday night and i was angry. angry with the world. angry with god. angry with myself. i was miserable. given part of that had to do with being sick, but as the week continued, my attitude changed and my sickness didn't.

as i sat and sulked most of the week, i began to realize life is truly what you make it. lately, i've been making life crappy. i've let my crappy circumstances define who i am and that's not how you live life. as the hours ticked away with me sitting, reading, knitting, writing, and watching, i felt a peace come upon me that i haven't felt in a long while. it was a whisper of hope. a gentle voice calling me to contentment and joy. my heart smirked.

my parents are holding me hostage. because i'm sick and the roads are icy, they won't let me leave. ha. i am 23 years old and am very capable of leaving without their consent, but the truth is, i have nothing to get back for. and on this valentine's day, i'd rather spend it with my parents than alone. i feel loved and supported. i have hope once again.

join a cause

there's always something bigger to be worrying about. i've realized the more i focus on a bigger cause, another person in need, etc., the more i forget about my sad song i've been singing.

today i got to help a friend with Invisible Children stuff. all i did was sell IC merchandise and tell people what it was about, but for a couple hours i was helping a bigger cause. i turned my eyes to a world issue of children dying daily and felt like i could kind of do something about it right then and there. it was a good feeling.

i want AND need to do something for others to keep myself sane. that is what we all need to do. we need to serve and join a cause and make a difference.

where'd it go?

there are many things i like to do. some things i like so much that i actually make time for them. some things that get put on the list of things i'd do if i didn't have a job. and some that get put on the list of things i'd do if i were actually good at them. after being bored for a month and a half, i realized i'm not making use of my time. i'm not doing the things i say i like. what made me realize this? all the sudden i got 'busy' and HAD to prioritize. let me tell you, i didn't do a very good job.

i've been watching a LOT of t.v. lately, sleeping in late, and being lazy. this week so far, i've managed to NOT work out, not even once, to not work on my writing, to not spend time with the lord, and to not do anything productive with the time i DO have.

i watched a movie tonight that taught me a little about passion and talent. there are things i am passionate about and things i am talented in, but i haven't made time for any of those things. i was inspired tonight to MAKE time for those things...to let my passion drive me, and my talents be known.

i used to draw. i used to paint. i really loved painting, but it took up so much time and money that i dropped it. i stopped drawing and that was completely free...a pencil and paper come cheap from years of leftover art materials. i used to sing...sing at church, sing in the car, sing in school. but that left me too. how did i let these things go? where's my heart and why am i not expressing myself through ways i used to love so much? how did i let the world rob me of MY time?

i fear this person i've become is boring. i want to go back to interesting. i want to inspire.

today

i believe today is going to be a good day from start to finish...my first one in a long time. i had a great morning at work. and i'm excited about life again. i'm headed home this weekend to see a friend and my parents. i don't see how it could be a bad weekend. so, i believe i'm off to a good start. yay for good days!

yep!

i'm going to be a writer. i've been reading a book recently and i realized today that i could write something more interesting. if i want to, i can be a writer. and i'm starting to believe that i want to. i'm writing a fun story about magical mittens and a relationship between a mother and daughter right now. that's my fun project.

but i'm also writing a book on life. i really think i can do this, and i'm starting to get excited. i'm starting to have dreams again. i feel a passion coming back.

here's an excerpt from the mitten story...it's still in progress so if you want the rest, you'll have to wait.

--Glittens. That’s what she called them. They were gloves, but yet they were mittens. She made sure to take them everywhere she went. Even in the summer, Ella wore her ‘glittens’.

They were yellow with bright green, turquoise, and mint green designs knitted neatly into the middle. The ‘mitten’ part folded over the halfway covered gloved fingers—just the four of them. The thumb had a ‘glitten’ of its own. There was a slit in the middle of the thumb, right where the crease is in the skin. And whenever Ella wanted to free her opposable digit, she just bent and slid, and it popped right out—naked as ever. The ‘glittens’ were hers’ and they were magnificent!--

i'm going to write, and inspire. yep. i am.

wrestling

another day of wrestling with myself came and went. as i survive in this period of life called 'life after college for non-traditional graduates like me', i search for answers. i still don't know who i am...what i want...what my purpose is...where my place is...and so much more.

i'm living in a battle. one day their is victory, the next casualty...but each night i return to the homestead to face another day of unknowns. i'm up and down, enjoying this time and hating this time. on days i really evaluate myself, i don't like who i am. on days i remember who i was before peru, i have hope in being that passionate person once again.

i feel like things are rough right now for a reason. i have no money. my car is slowly but surely breaking down. my computer is acting up. my bills are piling up. the responsibilities of being an 'adult' (whatever that is) are taking a toll on my peace. the realities of the harshness of life wear on me daily.

i know my god has not forsaken me. i know he loves me and calls me to himself. BUT, i'm lingering alone. something is holding me back. i'm weary to take that step toward him. i know my life is not terrible by any means. i am blessed beyond belief...but that doesn't mean i still don't wrestle with this life i've been given. when i put things into perspective...a world perspective...where people are dying of hunger and war, i feel thankful for this life i was born into. i am continually learning life on this earth is horrible, and the only way to make it bearable is to live in love with one another and with our maker. but what happens when you feel alone? when you choose not to live and love with one another? you quickly become miserable and discouraged.

this all sounds worse than it really is. i'm fine. i just have a lot of questions. i have confidence that the lord has big plans for my life, and even when i don't get answers, i'll still be able to live the life he's called me to with joy and hope. i'm wrestling with myself and my god. but who said wrestling wasn't a good thing?

being sexy on the inside...

i feel a little bi-polar these days...one i'm up, the next i'm down. i don't know what i want out of life right now and most of the time, that consumes my mind. i try and try to figure out my passion, my love, my purpose, and i get nothing. on the days i'm up, i think it's because i get caught in a moment that reminds me i DO have purpose and my passion comes alive. then those moments fade and i'm back to reality...the reality that life is hard.

i don't know how i got here. i used to be such an optimist, and i truly believe it'll come back, but right now i'm a skeptic. i'm not happy with who i am at this moment. i know it's okay to say that because i know it won't always be that way, and it never really was like that before, but right now...i'm stuck. i used to love who i was and what god was doing with me, but i just can't see it right now. i don't love who i am because i don't know who i am. i can still claim some pretty big promises though, while i try to figure out who i am. i know the lord loves me with all my flaws and failures. i know that i have purpose in christ. i know that i've been called and chosen. i know i'm redeemed. i know i'm forgiven. i know i am blessed. and i know this too shall pass...it always does.

the lord has never failed me...ever. i look back at my prayer journals and remember past prayers and i see that so far, most have been answered (besides the ones still pending). god has answered my prayers in his own time and way...and his way has always been better than mine. so i have faith that although i'm searching my soul right now, so is he. and he knows my heart better than i do. he knows my deepest desires and he'll reveal them to me when i'm ready. it's a weird thing not knowing who you are or what you want, especially when you once knew both. but, i believe that not knowing right now is what has to happen in order to be rebuilt. reworked. rewired. reinvented.

so right now, my first priority is being sexy on the inside. and that only comes with knowing my creator more intimately. if i understand his love for me, i'll surely develop a love and respect for myself...right?